Christmas 2008

This year was amazing
my son LOVES christmas. it is also my favorite holiday. He was adorable this year, totally into all the packages.
Surprisingly polite for a 2 yr old. He would take the package from under the tree and say, "Mommy is this for me?" If I said no, it's for gammy, he would simply put it back and say, " oh, ok, is there a present for me?" This was just the sweetest most heart melting thing. I mean, come on, at 2? I was ripping through anything in my path, I am sure. I worry about him sometimes, that he will be such a sweet person and get hurt. But, I dont give it to much time, since I think being a nice person always has its rewards in the end.
As for his christmas, we got almost all of his toys at the resale or mom to mom sales in our area. We spent less than 100 dollars for it all and he was so thrilled with everything. Even the stuff that were missing pieces. I want to savor these times to remember, for when he is 13 and is pissed the day after christmas because he only got last years version of the latest ipod or whatever the "thing to have" is at the moment. I want to be able to think back to the christmases when he only cared about having some simple little anything, it was truly the thought that counted. As for his darling sweet heart, he has been doing some really precious things. Like, the other day, my wife said, " i love my family" I said , I do too, i love our little family. Then he talks over his fake chicken nugget with a mouth ful of food and says, " I love you da-dee too, I love you mommy, too" We both welled up and began to sniffle. What a darling child. Also he LOVES christmas cookies, the baking the mixing and of course the eating but especially the decorating. he loves Pwasting and prinkos. The other day he said, mommy i love prinkos, have more. so I poured like three sprinkles into his hand and one of them was the shape of a heart. he eats the others, looks at the heart in his hand and says, mommy I love you, look there is a heart in my hand, i love you too. I smiled and said, I love you too baby. I love you too. Can life get any sweeter?

What has been happening

Well there has been a lot happening these days.
December has been very busy with life. There are times that I wish I could just stop the clock, sleep for a week and then start it back up and begin again. We had some major milestones with our son. 1. he has 2 cavities! now we have to figure out what to do about them. We don't want him to have to get his teeth drilled, but we really have no choice. So we are searching for a pediatric dentist to do the work. UGH! 2. he spent a nihgt at my in-laws. He went on Saturday night Dec 6th and came home on Dec 7th. WOW, we had the evening to do whatever we wanted. it was really weird. First I was very worried about him, his sleeping, his crying, whether or not he wouldbe scared, how they would handle it and about a million other little things, but I let it all go. I just said to myself, they will call if he needs us and left it at that. We got to see the movie MILK which we will buy as soon as it is avaialable so that our son can see it and realize what an amazing person Harvey Milk was. If you don't know who Harvey Milk was, SEE THE MOVIE, and if you do know how Harvey Milk was, SEE THE MOVIE! It was FANTASTIC! When we went to sleep that night I was thinking it would be great! no baby, but I woke up at 4:30am and stayed awake for an hour, just thinking about him and being grateful for him and what he has brought to our lives. I was able to fall back asleep and when I woke up I was so happy to have been able to sleep in, just a bit. My wife made me frendh toast, we read the paper, we talked, had coffee, did house projects and had a very nice day,but we were both already missing him like crazy by the middle of the day. It was nice to be able to just to hang curtains without having to say, thats not for the mouth, no no baby, mommy is the only one who can use the drill, etc.
We picked him up and we felt whole again.
3. He has moved into statements even more, for example:
Me do it
How open it?
you bring me toy?
i hongry now
no go nigh nigh, play cars
sing rudof da re nos yandier ( sing rudolf the red nose reindeer)
sing rock a baby (rock a bye baby)
i love you mommy
fell better mommy
here ya go mommy
thats orange like gigi's car orange ( thats the same color as my grandpa's car)

language

what is he saying lately?
Well he is making great sentences. like
Mommy its cold inhere, can I have a blanket please?
No baba, don't go home, stay here.
Mommy wuvooo- This one is my personal favorite of course!
Suzie
Steph
Geegan- which means "again"
Gigi's took it home in their car
chase luna now
I want cake now

Weaniing Day 1I just could not do it anymore, I hit the breaking point and that was it. My son woke up at 12:30am on Monday night and I just refused and thats when it all began. He thrashed, he screamed, he hit me, he cried.... Oh did he cry, and all the while I was telling him, i understand. I just kept saying you can be angry, I would be angry,but you may not hit mommy. He would try to lay on my shoulder and then get really mad and crya ll over again. He was up for 4 hours the first night, and eventually fell asleep sitting up watching TV. He tried every diversion to get out of the situation, Lets build a snowman, lets got to the store, lets go outside, get Da-Dee up, i want Da-dee, anything. Nothing worked.
When I woke up, I did not feel regret, I felt energized, I did it, I made it through the first night!
Weaning Day 2The second night, my wife and I devised a plan, i went ot bed at 8pn and slept for 3 hours, while she wore him out. Then when it was time for him and her to go tobed, I got up and began the ritual of settling him down. I expected the same thing as the night before and figured I would be up for awhile. Well, to my surprise I offered him the pacifier ( chupo) and He took it! He took the Chupo and he fell asleep in 15 minutes. He woke up twice that night, cried for about 15 minutes and then tookt he chupo and fell asleep. I kept him close in our bed all night long and it was miraculous. I was so excited I could not sleep. I think I was actually more tired on day 2 than I was on Day 1. But in the morning, he had only woken up 2 times and cried for less than a half hour total!.
Weaning Day 3I astucally had Thai food last night for the first time in 2 years, well I have had thai food, but not the one I like. The potato Curry with Tofu from May's Bangkok Express. It was Divine! I ate every bite! All the while thinking, yes! I am done nursing, I can eat curry!
We went to bed at 8pm, my son took the chupo after about 10 minutes of crying, he fell asleep by 8:40pm. I went to bed. He didnt wake up until 1:30am, I thought I would have to get up take him downstairs and walk him around as I havebeen doing the last 2 nights. But, he surprised me, He just crawled over to me, lay on top of my chest and snuggled his little head into the crookof my shoulder and fell back to sleep, it was literally 5 minutes! WOW, I am amazed, he never woke again when I left for work,so I consider that sleeping through the night.
Tomorrow I am having Indian food, another milestone and nursing is done. I have not had Indian food in 2 years either because he was very senstitive to curry and it caused him a lot of discomfort.
Hallelujah! I can have Iced Tea today! The caffeine used to keep him awake.
Today I feel like a warrior walking outof a cloud of dust after a battle. I made it through and he is doing really well!
I love my family again!

funny

The other day, my son was lookin in the mirror as he was brushing his teeth and he had no shirt on. All of a sudden a light bulb went on over his head. He looked at me and said, baby boobs! Baby Boobs! I said, thats right, those are your boobs. Then he got a huge smieland laughed and said, penis! Penis! penis! I started cracking up! and had to leave the room as my wife calmly acknowledged that he had a penis!

So funny

Weaning!

There have been moments in my life, when I have known I went in the wrong direction and then realized I was going to have to go back to point A and start again. Breast feeding my son is one of these moments. I feel so conflicted about it all. I know all the stuff about the reasons why it is so great for him. There is no doubt that nursing him this long has enabled him to be a healthy child with a big brain and amazing cognitive and motor skills. No doubt, that's proven. Where I vasilate is, the comfort, the bond that has developed between him and my breasts, i say that intentionally. it's not me, so much as it is my breasts. I know he is bonded to me as his parent and I know he sees me as someone who can satisfy his needs, but I also know that he is bonded to my breasts, like an alcoholic to alcohol. his eyes widen, he giggles a little and then dives in to my chest with such delight, its almost a little creepy. Sometimes, I wish I never started nursing him, then I wish I would have weaned him when I went back to work, then I wish I would have weaned him when he turned 1, etc....I was planning to wean him this weekend,but my wife was sick, so it has been postponed until this weekend, hopefully. I want to remember all of these feelings I am having but am reluctant to write them down, because many of them are not very nice. I think that many women would have just fought through it and just gotten over it long ago. One friend of mine said, "weaning? Well I just told him no,and that was it." I said, well didn't he cry? Wasn't it confusing for him? Aren't you worried about his emotional health? she said " Uh, yeah he cried, so what! I was done and that's it." I have tried to be that closed off, it does not work for me. I see him as such a darling sweet innocent child who is only doing what I have programmed him to do. But, I am tired. I am exhausted, and I am done. So how do I balance the Doneness with the love I have for him. I feel like I am abandoning him, letting him down, being hypocritical. I feel like there is no way for me to wean him without being those things. I just don't see how it works any other way. I can do a lot of things for a few days, so I keep doing it for a few more days, but I want to be finished and I want him to know that although I am finished with nursing, it does not mean we cannot be as close as we have been, just in different ways. I feel so totally alone.

life changing

The night of the election, after we heard that Barack Obama would be our next president, I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I looked into the bedroom to see my son sleeping, peacefully, with arms sprawled out, chest moving slowly up and down to match his very relaxed breathing pattern, eyes gently closed and his face so softly resting. I thought to myself, you have no idea what has just happened little man. In your lifetime, you will never know that there was a time when black people could not be president just because they were black. Such a monumental thought, such an impact on your life, and yet you sleep. So gently and peacefully allowing this moment to pass with no observation, no celebration, no recognition. Just sleep. I thought about how he will have a better future, just because a democrat will be in office for the next 8 years. I thought about my black friends who have kids, andhow their kids will not be more hopeful about their futures. I did not yet know that California had repealed legal marriage for gays. I was nervous about it, but thought it would remain, by an ever so thin margin. The next day, I woke to hear that Calfornia did in fact vote to repeal marriage rights for gays and I thought to myself. What the hell are people so afraid of? it's amazing how we are demonized in the media and in certain religious groups. The fear that is fed to Americans is just incredible. It's like the most tasty treat you have ever had, you can have as much as you want and you never have to be aware of what it. I wish for the day when I can once again see my son sleeping peacefully as the country finally changes the direction of his life once again. Making acceptance and kindness the priority and placing fear in the dumpster.

funny boy

yesterday we did the Royal Oak Spooktacular. We have been working up to this for weeks since I bought a lion costume for my son to wear and he immediately despised it. So the next 2 weeks were spent talking about the lion, practicing to be a lion and even playing lion with the lion hand puppet. Well it worked, and the conversations about getting candy. He decided he would wear it yesterday. It was great, we walked to all the stores in town, said tick-teet and tank oooo after each deposit into the bucket. Then we sat down and took a rest on one of the benches and the fun began. Mommy Candy, mommy candy now. So I gave him a choclate covered pretzel to eat and he gobbled it up, mommy more candy, more candy more candy now. To which I replied, you can have more after you take 3 bites of your bagel nd one bite of peanut butter to which he replied, NO, more candy now. I kept saying the sam script, to his escalating requests for candy, and finally I said. If you eat your bagel, you can have one more bite of candy, then the candy is going nigh nigh until tomorrow. he protested and he never got the other candy, because he never ate anything else. Then we went to bed. When we go up to bed, the ritual begins, mommy and baby walk u the stairs, he calls out Da-deeee, come upstairs, go nigh nigh. Then da-dee follows, we all get in bed and he says mommy boobs. This is hilarious! then I let him nurse. Usually he falls asleep in 15 minutes or so. After checking for Da- dee about 3-4 times. tomake sure she has not slinked out of the room when he was busy nursing. So, tonigh, same ritual and all of a sudden, he looks up and says, luna, luna.... Goonie. Me and Steph look at each other and start Cracking up. Goonie is Lunas nickname, today we realized that he knows the dogs "other" names. That was incredible. We just kept laughing and laughing and then he liked that, so he repeated goonie about 20 times, while nursing so it was more like... glomnie. these are the things I really want to remember when he is older. I want to be able to tell him all of these funny stories. he has a funny sense of humor. Today at the dinner table, he farted, then steph said, something stinks, did you doop? He says no, duck. Which steph has taught him to say when he farts, because she says it sounds like a duck in his butt.Aaaanyway, so he says duck, I then say, did you fart, he says yes, i farted! Smiles, and starts pushing really hard and he farts again, I crack up! out loud so loud that he starts laughing really loud and we are both just cracking up and I cant stop laughing at him. This is where it begins..... This is how people get the idea that farting is funny... it's times like these.

profound

my son is hilarious-he is now repeating every single thing I say and when he is not sure what a word is, he just garbles up the words and I think to myself, hmmmm this is what he is hearing. interesting. He loves to repeat everything we say to each other, my wife and I, so we are bing more careful about our language and our inflection.
He totally knows when we re being snipy and he will show physical signs of it, like swattin the dogs, banging on the table or kicking a toy. sometimes I think to myself, this is so obvious, Why do most parents think their kids are being difficult when they ae just mimicking what they are hearing and seeing, it is all so unfair.

He is putting 3-5 words together at a time and his favorite phrase right now, is Mommy Hup me. Which can mean, mommy help me or mommy pick me up depending on his body language. it is very cute but at the same time, it sounds really pitiful. Mommy help me.... I just say, of course I will help you honey what do you need.

I love this kid. I totally adore his entire little person. Someday, when he is a grown man, I want him to know that all the silly kid things he did were actually some of the richest experiences I had ever had in my lifetime. It's amazing how watching a child first discovering how a flash light works can be so very satisfying and tear jerking at the same time. If I had to use one word to describe this experience I am having with him, it would be Profound!

Growing up

I am ready to wean my son. I have finally gotten to the point that some days, it pisses me off that I have to still nurse. That's not good. I feel agitated at times by the way he yanks up my shirt and dives into my breast. Well it's just starting to feel a bit weird to me. So, we are going to try to have my wife take him to the grandparents for a weekend and hope that my absence will not be a negative, and that being over there will be a distraction. Truth is, there is no real guideline on when to do it or how to do it. Everything I have read says, you will know when it is time, the child can self- wean but some never do, and you just need to make the decision and be consistent. Well, thanks, that helps! I am constantly struggling with the need for me to have my body back and the need for him to have the comforting cuddling and nursing he has known since he took his first breath. I just don't know when it won't be difficult for him and I know that it is starting to get difficult for me. I want to enjoy my child, I don't want to feel agitated when he goes to bed and wants to paw at me, stroke my belly and nurse until my nipple is halfway down his throat. I am not kidding...... and nobody EVER shared any of this with me. I wonder why? I am not sure if I would have REALLY listened anyway but a little foreshadowing would have been nice. So I am looking for some herbs to dry up the breastmilk and we will begin the process in a couple of weeks.

One of my deepest fears

Today was hell.
I got to work and was catching up on email when I saw Micki's email asking me if I heard that there was a plane crash in nepal. I did not panic at first, even though I knew that Janice was on a trek at Everest and that she flew into the most precarious airport in the world. I assumed she was already there. She left on Monday. But, there was a minor doubt. So the first thing I did was to look for the name of the orphanage that they volunteered and sent an email to beverly to see if she could help me make sense of the news. I then looked at Janice's Blog and zoomed in on the plane and wrote down the name of the airline and the plane number. This plane is tiny, so the planes have numbers that are in view, they are prop planes. Just 20 people inside. I went to the Nepali times online and saw the story and expected to see some weird airline name and an odd plane number. To my horror. it was her airline and the same plane number that was showing on her blog. I immediately went to another place.
In my mind, i was somewhere,I was not in my body. I was out there, somewhere realizing that this could mean that Janice had died. I was devastated. I was at work and I suddenly began wailing and sobbing and screaming. I was in total shock, I just was in shock. There was no way to stop the crying, it had taken me over and was running my life, I could not be "appropriate" could not quiet my sadness for the sake of others, I was just experiencing raw emotion. My friend Trisha offered to call Steph, to have her come pick me up. When she answered the phone, Trisha said, Steph, can you come get Suzanne, Steph shouted, WHATS WRONG! WHATS WRONG! and then I took the phone, I told her that I believed that Janice was in a plane crash and that nobody survived. She began yelling and crying NO! NO! NO! OH MY GOD!, IS SHE DEAD? IS SHE DEAD, I just kept crying and saying I think so, I think so, I am not sure, I don't know. To told her to call my mom and I would be right home. Trisha drove me home and i have no idea how we even got home, I have no recollection of driving home. When we got home, the house was eerie, the baby had no idea why I was home and he was thrilled, mom was tearful and worried, Steph was stoic. We went upstairs to continue to do research, to see if we could figure anything out. If we could determine that she was not on the plane. I was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, thinking she was really gone. Then Micki called and said that she saw the flight manifest on the airline web page and Janice and Christy were not on the manifest. At first I didn't believe it, i just wanted to hear her voice or touch her or hug her or hold her hand or something, something. Eventually I did realize that she was alive and she was not on the manifest and I needed to comeback to reality and start healing. I just basically for a few hours and kept re-reading the manifest. She was not on the manifest, she was not on the plane she is alive. At that point i shifted to the people who actually did perish in that plane crash. I could be their family, it could have been me grieving for the rest of the day. And the rest of my adult life. Instead, by some miracle I am allowed to continue on living the same life I had yesterday. I get to decide what things to get angry about, whether or not I want to eat sweets or eat something healthy, I get to see my son smile again. I am incredibly blessed!

The ironic part is that Janice is probably trekking in the mountains,having a blast, not even aware of what hell we went through today. No knowledge of our fears, our gripping at the hope that she was alive and the deep loss we were trying to get our head around.

For many reasons, this is day was just impossible. Losing someone i love without being able to talk to them or tell them I love them before they go is my biggest childhood core trigger. It rules my life. This was devastating, to think that I had lost Janice and had never had a chance in the past few weeks to tell her I loved her or how much I value her in my life.

Today I realized that the depth of love I have for my friends is amazing, it is pure, it is more than just friendship.
There is no word for it, it is far more than just friendship, it is far more than family it is not of this place.
It is from another plane of existence. The friends i have in my life, continually remind me how good, goodness can be. They teach me things, they learn from me, we all love together. We all celebrate together and at times, we all grieve together.

I will be forever grateful for the love ad kindness my friends have blanketed me with in my life. I will be forever in awe of the gifts they have brought to me.

Janice has brought me one of these gifts, without her knowledge, she has made an impact on my emotional healing, at the deepest level. Through this Brush with the Oh my god moment!, I have gained a deeper understanding of how I am built. My emotional pain that has been with me my entire life, had a moment of healing, a brief release of some of that pain.

Tonight I will be able to sleep a bit deeper, a bit longer and a bit more adult. My childhood pain has found a soothing balm for the moment. I will never forget this day.

2

My son is almost 2
In 5 days he will have lived for 2 entire years. Already I am missing his babyhood. I am rejoicing at his toddlerhood, but missing him as a baby. It is weird how this happens. I want him to progress and grow and learn and talk and live a happy and joyous life. But I also want to hold him and cuddle him and protect him. This is something I had no grasp of before I was a parent. I was always thinking, the purpose of having children is to help them become really good people and then send them out into the world. Well sometimes, I think about how safe he will be when he has sex, or if he will know when to stop drinking, when he has had too much or when someone he rode to a party with has had enough. There are so many things to teach him, to guide him, to show him. And yet, I feel like I have already shown him so much. The first 2 years are pretty much non-verbal. They are gestures and silent acknowledgement. They are mostly, simply love. In its purest form. No back talk, or rejection, just love. Gimme gimme gimme, I need I want I need. that is the sum of the first 2 years of his life. I find myself feeling overjoyed that he is progressing already to be a compassionate. sensitive and loving individual. I think that is just his nature. I believe in my heart that he is already the person I hoped he will be. What does the future hold for this delightful and magical 2 year old?

All of the 20 something's in our life are in trouble. Drug addictions, Dead beat husbands, Apathy, and mental illness. What can you do when the people you love, the 20 something's have an entire life ahead of them, but they have chosen to stop right here. How can you help them? How can you convey that they could have it so much easier than they have it now, if they just took 2-4 years to invest in their future? I am reminded of the errogance of the main character of "Into the Wild"
He thought he knew where his life was going, he was a free spirit, no obligations, no possessions, no nuthin'. Then his "know it all " way of living betrayed him when he made a huge mistake. He didnt realize that the frozen river would be raging river when he was ready to turn back and go home victorious. It cost him his life.

This is a very sad time for us, we have some major issues with the intelligent young people in our lives and we don't know what to do to help them.. is tough love the answer?
Abandonment? Totally enabling them? Where is the line? I default to- well, how does it affect me? How does it impact my life? they are not ASKING for help. They think they are fine, but they are young and stupid.

I remember being stubborn in my 20's but I would still be able to hear the advice. It might take me awhile to come up with the idea on my own, but eventually I would do what the adults in my life suggested. These young adults do not hear us, they do not want any advice, they just want to have people do everything for them. Like pay all their bills, pay for their food and their lodging and their gasoline, so they can support their drug habits. How do we shake them awake?

Garage Sale

When you have a garage sale, things really come into perspective. Things you wanted to "enhance" your life in some way, have virtually no value. You may have paid $20 for something and you belabored buying it. Thinking, do I really have a need for this? How will it look over the couch? I wonder if the color is right, etc. They suddenly become a mountain of burden that you just want gone so you dont have to touch it anymore. Well this weekend, we had a garage sale and it was a doozy. We made over $1000 dollars. We split the money with my mother in law since she had just as much stuff as we did. We each made about half when all was said and done. $1000 may not seem like a lot of money, but when you start to think that about 60% of the stuff was under a buck, that's a lot of stuff! It was a series of strangers stopping by, becoming momentary friends when they saw we had something in common. Like, Oh I love cows too, or I really love that blue shelf. Does this thing work? and What is this? trying to figure out if they need it. For a moment we seem so much a like. As they drive away with their newfound treasures, feeling joy that they "just got a bargain", another layer of relief blankets me as I realize I never have to decide what to do with that pillow, again! I find it comical and also very deep that there are so many garage sales and so many people looking for so many different things. Do you have a TV? I am looking for twin bed sheets? Any maternity clothes? A shower chair? A portable potty for adults? A wheelchair? A series of yes and no answers that either connect us or separate us. You can learn a lot about a person just by what they are looking for at a garage sale. Some of them just looking for a person to talk to for awhile. Someone to tell about the last "great bargain" they got. In some cases, a connectedness because they have just as much stuff to sell as we do. There is a kinship that blossoms in that moment, Whew, I am not alone, there are others who have just as much stuff as I do. This weekend was a philosophical exercise in what do I need, what do they need and overall what does the world need to be happy. I found that, as usual, everyone needs the same thing. To be loved and to belong. Simple as that.

Septmber 11th 2008, it has been 7 years, does anyone care?

I have been reading a lot about 9-11 this week.For some reason, since the anniversary of all of those people dying is tomorrow, I feel compelled to know more about what happened and what is happening. I find it so disturbing that there are still so many unanswered questions. The lists of the deceased is overwhelming and then I think of the children. All the children who are without one of their parents and it immediately brings me to my own experience of loss. I wish I could find a way to help those kids. A way to talk with them, explain to them what is in their future. The emotional impact of what they have experienced will not be fully present for many, many years. Then again, what would it help? Would I have wanted to know what my life would be like when I was 30 or 40 from someone whose father died when they were 2? probably not. It's a personal journey, something so terribly painful and personal. About 9-11, I am so frustrated at how "life goes on". Once the story was not "newsworthy" anymore, it disappeared. It feels like a struggle sometimes to keep the topic alive. When I talk about it at work, people say, "oh yeah, it IS 9-11 tomorrow. What the hell! Thousands of people died and people forget? How can that happen. I think this somehow plays into a fear of mine, but I am not yet sure what the fear is. The fear of being forgotten? I dont think so, it doesn't feel right. i cant place it. Maybe it is a fear of not being acknowledged for the severe and debilitating loss I experienced. I think that might be it. People, society just expects those of us who have experienced this kind of loss to just move on. To get through it and to stop talking about it because it is uncomfortable. I know it is uncomfortable, but what do you do with all this pain? How do I shake it, or make it part of me, or integrate it? At this time, especially, I feel so sad for losing my dad, and I feel so sad for those kids who have lost their parents. The sadness is stinging and dark and lonely and empty and constant.

vacation

Well we left our neighborhood on Thursday evening, I was thinking it would be easy, since it would be night time and all the books say that when you drive at night, your child will sleep. Uh, No- They have not met my son.
We started out getting food from burger king veggie burgers and apple fries. They are just apples, cut into a fry shape but he thinks they are something really special. Burger King is brilliant, far smarter than Good ole Ron mcdonald. Anyhow, we are driving and things are going fairly well, he is getting tired and we are watching the sun set as we drive. Well, my son is still nursing, so night time mean nursing before bedtime. He held out for about 2 hours, complaining, whining, throwing every toy he had, watched his video 3 times, still no sleep. finally we stopped for gas, I let him nurse and he passed out. Until, I put back into his carseat. WAHHHHH! now he is really crying and complaining and i am trying to decide what to do. Against my better judgment, i took him out of the carseat, and made a mini bed on the seat of the van, laid him on it and let him nurse, in second, he was asleep.
Ahhh blissful quiet and sleep, i had to keep looking back like every 2 second to make sure he was not rolling over, and then out the window to make sure nobody was careening across 4 lanes f traffic to slam into us, but he was asleep. It was all very relaxing, NOT! Once we got to my sisters, I carried him into the bed, plopped him down and he kept sleeping, he was exhausted. The next day we woke up late and took a 3 hour nap, it was wonderful!

This weekend,he was really expanding his vocabulary. here is what he is sayin these days:
nani- mommy
Dadi- momma
gaga-baba
gigi- gammy/gampy
haier-Javier
dudido-jupiter
nuna-luna
didi-aunt cindy
unco dis- uncle vince
turki-turkey
duk-duck
cow
durdl-turtle
owsigh- outside
dadur-water
onkie-monkey
atulfyes-apple fries
more
eat
nighnigh-night night
mine
me
dux-lux
dye dye- bye bye
hi
oops
no
yesh-yes
cayou-caillou
diky mous - mickey mouse
moush-mouse
housh-house
one
dooo- two
teee- three
yawr-four
die-five
teeet-treat
gapes-grapes
dost-toast
gake-cake

I think those are all the words he can say

This weekend, we had coffee cake at my sisters house, he takes a bite and says, mmmmm, didi's gake. then he looks at the glass and says didi's dadur (water). then he points out the window and says didi's dower (flower). He totally knew he was at his aunt cindy's house. I was amazed. In the morning when he woke up, he took a dee breath and whispered in his little toddler voice, didi's housh. He did not know we were up yet, so he kept saying it, and then he looked over at my wife and said, dadi- didi's housh, then she says good morning, to which he replied, norning... and then flashes us a huge bright smile.
I love being his nani.

Tomorrow we are going to my sisters house in Traverse City for the long weekend. I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. I started thinking about why it feels so different to be away and why it feels so realxnig? And most importantly, why I cannot get to that sense of relaxation right here in the present. It's interesting how we train the mind to let go while we are on vacation. Who started that? I find it funny that I am able to let myself be in the moment when I am on vacation, but it is very challenging to be in the moment when I am at home. Just being in the moment is a challenge at work, and I cant figure out why. My mind wanders, I begin to think about all of the other things I could be doing, would rather be doing, should be doing, etc. But I don't think like that when I am on vacation. There is no talk about, hmmmm I really shouldn't be sitting here reading this book when I could be walking to get ice cream. Or, well I guess I can't hang out on the beach too much longer, I have site seeing to do. I just don't get it.

I am going to try today, living my life as if I am on vacation, that everything I choose to do in a day is enjoyable and I choose to do it. I have choices, I could stay in bed instead of go to work. I could sleep instead of play with my son, I could do yard work instead of make dinner. There are all choice aren't they?
What do you think?

The new family

Tomorrow we go to Canada to meet little boy's big sister. She is 6 months older than him and has the same donor. We are choosing to call his siblings, sister, brother,etc not half sister or half brother. It is an interesting feeling preparing for this. We have been talking to all the other moms, there are 4 others, for over a year. Once lives in California, one lives in North Carolina, two live in Texas soon to be having twin boys, and one lives in canada, used to live in Connecticut. This is kinda cool, it's like he has family all over the country. Well, he does have family all over the country. We are all very similar in our parenting styles and our engagement level with our kids. This is remarkable to me. We are from so many different places and yet we are similar. I suppose it is because we are not all that different from one another. In our world, we create differences where there are none, in many cases.

We are excited about meeting his sister and her mom, we are also a little sad that he is not "just ours" anymore. We are beginning to share him with the rest of his family. We plan to take lots of pictures.

mowing the lawn

I got home yesterday to a thrilled little boy. I came in through the back door, he heard me and came running into the kitchen and i came walking into the living room around the other way, so we missed each other. I turned around and he came slamming into me with the biggest grin! I picked him up and kissed him about 10 times, he said na-ni, garble-de booly, cars! I think he wanted to tell me something about his cars! So I said, wow, you played with cars today? cool, then he wanted to show me something that my mom brought to him, so he said, ga-ga, ga-ga, and pointed to my mom (he calls her Ga-Ga for baba). She came over to me with this clear plastic bottle that had a lady bug in it. In actually I think it was a japanese beetle because it was orange and lady bugs are red,but I went along with it. Oooohhh lady bug, wow, then he holds the bottle and he pulls it really close to his face and gazes at it for like, 3 minutes, which is a long time for a 2 year old. Then he says ouside, ouside, mom tells me he wants to let it go outside. So we go outside and I open the lid, the lady bug crawls to the top of the container and hangs out there for a second or two, then jumps onto the deck, he is amazed! he looks at me with these brilliant eyes and says, WOW! then the lady bug takes flight and flys away...... Well, he wasnt aware of that, so he then makes a very serious frown face and starts complaining. GARBLETHEUTHUGOSE, SHOEURHGLMASNDOT, Uh-OH! I tell him that the lady bug flew away and thats ok. We go back in the house. A few minutes later he is very concerned about the lady bug again and grabs my hand and walks me to the back door, to let him go see where the lady bug went. So I oblige. We walk outside, this time he walks down the steps of the deck, and makes a beeline for his lawn mower, the smaller version of the grown up lawnmower. He begins pushing the lawnmower and I am amazed how he is mimicking what we do. My father in law cuts the grass on tuesdays when they come to babysit and he must watch him the whole time. He is pushing it forward then doubling back, then pushing it forward, then walking in a pattern and the entire time he is not looking at anything but the grass. He IS cutting the grass. No doubt in his mind. I watched him for 20 minutes, I am not kidding, 20 minutes, pushing the lawnmower. Then I was getting hungry, so I said hey, let's go inside and get some watermelon. He looks at me, considers the offer and decides that he will. So he pushes the lawnmower into "its" spot, wherever that is, than comes up the stairs, looks at me, pushes the doorhandle and says, ne-non. ne-non. I say watermelon? He shakes his head yes and we go inside....... I know these stories are not that remarkable. I know they are just simple toddler stories that are most likely the same for every family who has ever had a toddler, but to me these stories are the cake of life. The rich, sweet, delectable moments of childhood that my son will appreciate when he is wondering what kind of kid he was. These are the stories I will refer back to when I am missing his baby years, and when he is learning to drive, or getting married or leaving for college.

The library

So, we took little boy to the library yesterday and he had a blast. He was doing all of the puzzles in record time, it is amazing how skilled he is at puzzles. He can assemble them without pictures behind them, he just manipulates the pieces until they fit and he doesn't give up if he doesn't get it right. It's impressive. He found a book he wanted to check out but didn't want to leave the puzzle area. Since we are trying not to bribe him evryday wtih ice cream, I tried another angle. I said, hey lets go give the book to the lady and she can scan it and then we can take it home for awhile. He was agreeable. Carried the book to the elevator, held the book with both hands, it covered his body from chin to knees, it was a larger picture book with lots to look at. he loves this book, so he sat down on the floor of the elevator, read the book until we made it to the first floor, got up, walked out of the elevator and said laaadddyy. i told we had to use our inside voice in the library and he began to whisper, llllaaaddddyyy. then we made our way tot he coutner, he handed the book to the lady with a reluctant smile, like, hey, uh, you are gonna give that back, right? She scanned it, handed it back and he said in a very proud voice Taann oouuu, which means thank you. Then took the book from her, sat down on the floor and continued reading. We finally left the library and he held thebook most of the way home. What precious innocence. I love seeing him be so in love with books. It reminds me why I love to read so much! When you read, you can go anywhere, create anything and enjoy the ride. All in a few hours and then nod off to sleep. It's the BEST.

Slide

I remembered that my boss gave us a toddler slide when I was pregnant and we sent it up to my inlaws to store until little boy got bigger. Well he's bigger and they brought it to us today. This guy LOVES the slide. Either that or he loved us all staring at him and applauding when he would slide. I'm sure he enjoyed both things thoroughly. It's a cute slide,little tikes, just big enough for a 2 year old. He went up and down the slide about 20 times outside, then we brought into the living room and he went up and down the slide another 20 or more times, first he put two pillows at the bottom of the slide so e would not get an owie. I am amazed by this, I mean ohow many kids know to do that at his age? Anyhow, he then decided that Na-ni (me) and Da-Di ( Steph) had to slide down the slide as well. it's not our size but we pretended. He sent his cars down the slide, his trains, the ball, more cars and then began combining the cars together, so 2 cars could go down together. Then he would point to himself and babble something and then slide down. It was very cute. We videotaped it and he was a ham. Then he decided to bounce on the ball,like a yoga ball in mini size. he is gonna have massive ab muscles, do you know how strong your abs have to be to bounce like that? Anyways, I was thinking about how much fun it must be to slide down the slide, carefree, expecting to arrive somewhere different than the last time, loving the security of the ground beneath. i think I will slide more often, there is a certain feeling of freedom when you let it all go and just sliiiiide.

Sitter shopping

So we decided that we should try to find a sitter for intermittent needs and for a date night every now and then.
My wife is more freaked out than me, but I have to say that whenever I hear of a kid disappearing,I worry that maybe it's not time for a sitter yet. Anyways, we had our first interview with this really nice woman, she is 39, loves kids, is very calming and the pets loved her. But, and there is a big but. She talked to us for 2 1/2 hours! about other peoples problems. These are not her problems, these are her clients problems,and I find that rude and offensive. My son was surprising comfortable with her, as soon as she came in, he warmed up to her in about 10 minutes which is pretty amazing, considering that he doesn't even do that, that quickly with people he has known his entire life. So, we listened, watched her interact with him, made mental judgments, etc. Then I went to put him to bed, thinking she would stay a few more minutes and then excuse herself. When I came back downstairs she was still here. Sat and listened again so another hour and a half. Ok, here's the thing. I get very little time with my wife. We rarely get early bedtimes. My son decided to go to bed an hour early, and I was very excited. I was actually going to get to talk to my wife about life and still have time to do some things around he house before going to bed. I know, it sounds like I am complaining. Well, I am. Don't you think that someone who has been a babysitter for 17 years would get that when we gethome, we want to be together and making a space for her and an interview was generous of us. An that she should make herself scarce after all of the important stuff was discussed? I mean, it's not like we invitedher over for a visit. This was an interview! Oh I am so pissed. I guess I shoudl be grateful, she talked herself right out of the job. We would have hired her if she hadn't kept blabbing on and on about her other clients kids, divorces, poor daycare situations,their finances, their custody agreements, their autistic children.... Oh I am so not even kidding! She actually told us more than that. Two things bug me. 1. I do not want her talking to anyone about our lives that way and 2. It is totally disrespectful to eat up my time like that. I just lost 2 1/2 hours I can never get back. Damn. What would you have said? anyone?I am wondering if we should let her down easy or just be blatantly honest. Look, we loved you, we think you would be great with our son, but you just talked too much and we want someone who has better boundaries and can pick up on the cues we are giving you, like yawning, getting up from our seats, excusing ourselves to go do other things.... and still you are talking! You need to listen more and talk less. or should we just say, sorry we are not going to hire anyone right now, we changed or minds. and lie.

I don't know, I am not sure, but one thing is for sure, the next interview will be at starbucks, for 1 hour and the baby will not be there.
Sooo disgusted!

jasmine

Yesterday, we had to eutahnize jasmine, our sweet little tabby cat. She was 16 and had been in our lives for 14 years. Here is her story:

I had just recently separated from my soon to be ex-husband. I could not take our two dogs with me because I moved into an apartment. Just 2 months prior to me moving out, the cat we had for 8 years, started getting sick, he had crystals in his urinary tract. My ex-husband took him to the vet for a check up and called me when he got home to tell me that he had to put Cheebah to sleep, the doctor said he was not able to help him. I knew this was mostly BS and that he was just being mean, since he knew we were separating and I loved that cat, more than him!
So, i was very angry and devastated. The day I moved out, I was a mess, i had to say goodbye to my two dogs and I was not sure when I would get them. I planned to get them within a year, once I got a house. But it would be awhile before i saw them again. Being in an apartment by myself was difficult, I could only hear silence, and the creaking of the stairs outside my door. it was eerily quiet for me and so after 2 weeks I decided I would get a pet. Cats were allowed and I loved cats. So, I went to the humane society in auburn hills, looking for a cat. I had no idea what kind of cat I wanted, I just knew I would connect with someone. Well I walked into the Cat room and there she was, now, there were 20 cages with cats in them, all different ages, sizes and colors but I was drawn to her. She had the most incredibly green eyes I had ever seen. Her eyes seemed as if they were lit from behind and were a deep lime green. Just beautiful. I asked, what about this cat? Is she fixed? how old? Why is she here? I was told, she is fixed, she is 1 1/2 years old, the family surrendered her because their kids were harrassing her and they felt bad for her. her name was Tammy! lol. I was like oh, tammy, well thats doesn't fit her at all.
I asked to hold her, she came home with me that afternoon. I named her Jasmine after princess jasmine from the disney movie Aladdin, that princess has bright green eyes and it just seemed to fit her perfectly. I brought her to my apartment and she immediately jumped up on the couch and started purring, she never hid, she never acted nervous or uneasy. She was "at home". Those of you with cats know that this was very unusual, most cats slink around and investigate for a few hours at least, if not a few days and then hide under something until they know that things are ok. She just knew we were meant to be together. When Stephanie and I began seeing each other, she would walk around the apartment and cry for me, like she was looking for me, Steph would call her and pet her and tell her I was coming home soon. She did that for years. She would sometimes just be in the middle of the living room and if we were in the back part of the house, she would all of a sudden cry out, meow? meow? until I came in the room to tell her I was still here, then she would swipe up against my leg and walk away. She had been through many many pets, fosters and overnight stays. We had Zoey, harley, rocky, rudy, gracie, jupiter, venus, haley, emily and katie, shiloh, moosie, larry and of course the baby.
Everytime she would just look at me with this stare and scrunched up nose as if to say, I rather prefer the three of us, but I will tolerate them because I love you. She was a loving adorable kitty. She would walk up to Jupiter and rub all over her face and legs, asking Jupiter to pet her. Sometimes we would lift Jupiters paw and pet jasmine and jasmine loved that. They had a special bond. Last week. She was looking very sick, she had lost a bunch of weight and I was just wondering what is going on. Over the weekend, she got really bad and thin and stopped eating from what I can tell. By monday night she not walking anymore and was stationery on her cat bed. She had a few accidents upstairs and we think it was because she could not walk down the stairs anymore. By the time I got her to the vet on Tuesday morning, she was barely alive. Her breathing was very shallow, her eyes were stuck open, she was not blinking and her whiskers were not working anymore. They were not moving like antenna at the slightest touch. The doctor said, there is really nothing we can do for her. She is too far gone. We are not sure why. Most likely kidney failure or diabetes. but it is hard to say. So I made the decision to let her go.She weighed 7 lbs. I held her for a long time, and told her how much I loved her, what a great friend she had been, how lucky I was to have her and I thanked her for all of her love. I sang the song to her that we sang to her, "jaaazz man, take my blues away". She went quickly, as soon as they injected her with the pink serum that looks like dishwashing liquid. I had my hand on her heart and I felt it stop. Jasmine was my friend when I had nobody else, she just a loving spirit who was brought to me my someone and who made a huge difference in my life. I always knew when something was wrong. Like one time, we bought the automatic cat litter box, after 2 days she started peeing outside the box, a week later, she pooped right on the couch, there was no mistaking that she was not happy. I was like, hmm she trying to tell us something, I discovered that she was afraid of the automatic box. $150 litter box went into the trash the very next day!
I will miss her, I will miss her love and he striking green eyes. When I brought her home from the vet after she died, my son saw her in the blanket and began to babble in a sympathetic way, he had a sad face and was saying dye,dye Thats how he says goddbye. I think that sums it up. Dye Dye jazzie

BIG BOY BED

Well this weekend we decided that it was time to get little boy his own bed. it is still in our room and it is right next to our bed and he can get to us with ease. It has made sleeping easier for all of us. Steph is back in our bed, rather than sleeping in another room, which is very comforting and adds to our intimacy. it is amazing how just being able to touch her arm while we sleep gives me a sense of calm and rightness in my heart. I was very happy to have her back, with her arms around me and snoring in my ear.. haha... Seriously though, life is whizzing by. I cant believe that our son is sleeping in a twin sized bed. It was just last week, I swear it was just a week ago when he got his first tooth. Now he is in his own, one of many in his lifetime, bed. It is so bittersweet, seeing him become another step more independent. Still, I feel like I can help him and protect him from the pain and fears that will inevitable creep in to our delightful flower garden like intrusive weeds in the grass. I have the power, and the control to save him from many, many things. And yet, a part of me is overjoyed with his independence. It think being a parent might make you a little schizophrenic, or just a little crazy. I feel like most of the time I want him to grow and progress and discover and become. Then there are a few moments every so often when I think, wait, I wasn't done with that yet. I just wanted one more bite... There was still a crumb or two left on the plate. I am hoping that he can sleep in his big boy bed in our room for awhile. We are comfortable with how things are right now, and I would never begin again and choose not to co-sleep. It is the best thing for him. I know that and I was very happy to make the space for him, so was Steph. We are just feeling that we have the ability to length the distance between us and him, just a smidge.

Anniversary

Steph and I had our 14 year anniversary on July 10th. Wow, I cannot believe it has already been 14 years, nor can I believe that I am 40. I am so lucky to have her. She is the silver lining. Whenever my life seems to be spinning out of control, I always look to her for guidance, support and love. We met with some much needed help from beyond. We both believe that the angels were at work, we were so dysfunctional and so needy. Well i was more needy than she was, but we were both dysfunctional. Each of us had a lot of baggage and we have a ton of stuff to learn about each other. The first day I ever heard her voice, I knew she was the one. I knew I had found my true love. I feel like she fits me so well that when there is ever a thought of her not being in my life, I ache all over. I have spent the last 14 years breathing her in at night, gazing at her in the morning light, and touching he soft petal skin. There have been times when our fights have put so much distance between us that we both felt like we were on the edge of a cliff with the soil crumbling beneath us. There have been times when we have felt so connected that we felt like we were one person. She knows what I think, what I feel how I see the world, how I fit into the world, and what I like on my garden burgers. She will always know me better than anyone else because I am totally authentic with her. My love for her is intense and powerful. I married her 4 years ago on our 10year anniversary and i felt different as soon as the ceremony was a thought. I remember feeling very nervous and excited and hopeful and it was so funny to me because we were already together for 10 years, but it was different. Having all of our family and friends there, and we were making our commitment in front f all of them Suddenly it felt very serious. Once we drove home from Canada, we were no longer legally married, but in our hearts and in our relationship we are married and will be forever. Stephanie and I have always known we would be together forever, we have never given up on each other and we have never tried to live by anyone else's expectations. We live this life together so well. Some day, long from now, I will think back to the first time I ever heard her voice and I will relive those moments. All of them.

vocabulary

The language of a 21 month old is very interesting and unusual. It is adamant, determined and also a bit insecure. But he tries. Lately he has made huge strides in language. He says didi for my sister cindy, he says gaga for my mom who is actually called Baba. he says Cow, Cat, Doggy, No, car, donkey, eat, ice cream which actually comes out i....e..... but we all know what he means when he says, its sing songy, there is no mistaking it. He says bye bye, hi, there it is, WOW, Whoa!, outside, ouch and sit down. These are all uttered in syllables, not actually words, but what happens when you are around him a lot is, your brain fills in the gaps and so it actually sounds like real words, but people who do not talk to him very often just look at me with a blank stare and say, uh, what? So I know there are not a lot of words there, but to us, he is talking, a lot! Having language is such an incredible tool. When I watch him learn the words and try to say them, I totally get why I have still not learned Spanish! I have tried, but I only end up with a few words. My brain has gotten to the point where I discriminate the sounds and there is no way to just go back and try talking like my son does. I cannot simply say the syllables with the intention of the word and have someone fill in the blanks for me. But, this is an incredible gift we give our children, the encouragement and patience it takes to try to understand everything he is saying so he can communicate is definitely one of the most loving things I have ever done.

vacation

We took our first vacation of the summer at the end of June. We went to my sister and brother in law's house in Traverse City. We stayed for 5 days, it was a really nice break. We had my mom and the dogs with us, plus our son and all of his gear. So, when we got there, he spent the first evening being very uneasy around my sister and my brother in law. I think it is amazing how kids are so cautious about people at this age, but are fearless in every other aspect of their lives. I have seen my son climb up on a table that is 3 feet off the ground with glee and sit on top of it with a smirk that says, hey- see I told you I would be fiiiine. But when it comes to new people, forget it! He is a total clingy velcro strip. Well the visit went really well, we went to the beach, he loved the water and the sand and the potato chips. We went to a dairy farm when he saw his first live cow, and he exclaimed! COW!
it was really cool. We als had an afternoon to ourselves as my sister and mom watched for us so we could have grown up time, which was like a drink of ice cold water on a hot summer's day. We really need to make more time for ourselves as grown ups and begin to let others watch him more often.
Overall it was a lovely vacation, a little bit of rain, a little bit of fudge, lots of watermelon and a few priceless pictures on the beach. I find myself appreciating the smallest things these days.

bab evolves

Today my friend Kelly came over for dinner with her family. She and her wife are expecting their second child. Their first child is 6. Kelly is an amazing mom and her wife Janet is too. Kelly became partnered after she has raised her daughter for 4 years by herself. She is a total delight and I have loved her since she was conceived. She is born the day after and I feel like she was sent here from some place to bring laughter and creativity to the world. Well, She is also an incredible artist. She brought her artwork from art camp and I was very impressed by her color combinations, her composition and her expression of feelings. I am now sitting in a quiet house with a sleeping child, wife, dogs and cats. The only thing that is not sleeping is me. I am not sleeping because I am thinking about how different my life is now and I remember anticipating my son's arrival. I could not wait for him to get here. We would just talk to him all the time about how we wanted him to come and how everyone was so excited to meet him and that we were so happy he was coming. While Kelly was here, the baby was moving all over the place, trying to get comfortable, stretching out one leg, then shoving her rear up in the air and then spinning downward. After they left, I remembered how magical that time was while we were waiting. I miss those times, I miss having him in my belly and feeling his every move. There was so much comfort in knowing that he was in there, safe and fed and warm and needing nothing. I felt so close to him, we were truly one. Once he came out I can remember those first few months, just staring at him, watching him breathe, watching his little lips purse in a suckling motion. I remember his tiny little finger clutching my huge pinkie finger like it was his only grasp on reality. Don't get me wrong, he is still dependent,but not like that. Many days, I am so grateful that he is independent, that he can walk on his own, that he can show me what he wants to eat, that he can play by himself long enough for me to pee. But some days, when the house is quiet, and the lights are dim, I lay and think about what it was like having him inside of me, the telepathic conversations we used to have, his first breath and the first time he ever looked at me and I miss that.

What's right is right

Racial discrimination in the workplace is something that many of us are bystanders to. I was a witness to some very racially motivated derogatory comments and I felt that I had to do something about it. I reported the guy to HR. He is pretty high up at the company and he has quite bit of clout. He's one step down from a VP. He's been around for 20years+ and you would think he would know better. But I guess there are assholes at every level. Anyways, I reported him, an investigation was opened, many were interviewed and the investigation has not been closed yet. They are still talking to people. The thing is, this guy ignores me now, it makes it very difficult to work because I am being ignored. I do not work directly for him, so its not that big of a deal but i see him everyday. His office is right outside my desk. The biggest issue I have is, he was wrong, not me, but in our society, for some reason, I feel bad, I feel like I should have given him another chance to mess up before I reported him, but I know it was the right thing to do. There should never be a time when racial discrimination is acceptable. I know, it happens, but I cannot stand by and watch it happen and be silent. It feels like I am participating if I do not stop the slurs. I suppose he will try like hell to avoid me and it will just be the way it is, but I really don't like working like that. In times like these, I think about Mr. Schindler, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Bobby Kennedy. It's never popular to do what is right when everyone around you is too concerned with their own safety to stop the behavior. I know I was brought here to make people wake up and be professional. I hope I can spend the rest of my time here having fun and enjoying my job. Soon I will not have to work here anymore when I open the business, I just need to keep remembering that this job is a means to an end. Nothing more.

more kids?

Kids are incredibly fulfilling and challenging at the same time. I feel so selfish because I just do not want anymore kids. Maybe someday, we will adopt another child, maybe in a couple of years my perspective will change. I mean, there was a time when I wanted no kids. Obviously that has changed and I am thrilled that I did get to the point that I actually yearned for a child. To have my son in my life is a whirlwind of excitement, isolation, happiness, sadness, fulfillment and emptiness all at once. I am feeling so relieved that he is getting so much easier. I have to be honest, I sometimes dream about the day that he will be able to get his own meals, feed himself, go to the potty, read, write and talk all on his own. It's not that I don't enjoy motherhood, I do, I love it. I just want a portion of me to remain. I am more than a mother, I am Suzie and I have an identity that goes far beyond mom. I think this is coming up for me for a few reasons. 1. Many strangers ask me, so when are you having another one? Usually it is right after they tell me how beautiful my son is. When I say, oh no we're done, they look at me like I have just stolen their hope for more beautiful people in the world! And then they usually say, oh to bad, he is so beautiful. 2. My friends Mick and Annie are going to have another child, they want another child as soon as possible. Their son is not yet 2 months old. I remember feeling like I wanted another baby when my son was that age. I respect their decision, but I am just not in that space to have more kids right now. I have actually been less supportive than I should be, I mean I guess I have just been cynical and I should not be, it' s not my life. I love them, they are family to us, and I should celebrate their excitement and anticipation, not discourage them. 3. Many coworkers ask me repeatedly when we are having number 2. To which my response is, Uh, no, no number 2. Then I have to listen to 20 minutes of reasons why I should have another child, mostly it is guilt ridden questioning, such as, Well, what are you gonna do, just raise one child? Won't he be lonely? It's not really fair to only have one child. The child needs a companion. All of these questions I answer with a smile. Yes, just one child, He wont be lonely unless he spends his childhood living alone, Oh yeah you're right, its not fair to give him everything he needs without struggling, maybe having a sibling would be more adversity than he is interested in. I guess I find it very presumptuous for people to offer their opinions about my life. This wouldn't be so bad if I were asking for advice. But I am not. I am very content being the mom of 1 for now and I am happy to keep a tiny little spot open for the possibility of having another child someday. I wonder what my son would say if he could tell me what his life is supposed to be like. I cannot envision splitting myself in 3rds (4ths actually) I am split in 3rds right now. one 3rd for my son, one 3rd for my wife and one 3td for me. Actually its more like one half for my son, one quarter for my wife and one quarter for me, yes that's more realistic. Most days it is challenging to decide if I will get sleep, clean the kitchen, or just lay on the couch for an hour with nobody needing anything from me. If i had to split myself in 4ths I think I would disappear. Maybe this is the real issue, I don't want to get placed so far back in the drawer that I disappear. Right now, I am just feeling like I am able to reacquaint myself with me. I think I would like to see what my life looks like now, before I add another child.

daysh

There is a new word in my sons vocabulary, it is Daysh.
It means yes, he was saying NO to everything, even the stuff he did want, so I decided that I would offer yes and see if it stuck. When I asked him a question like, do you want juice, he would say NO, then I would say, can you say yes? his reply was Daysh. and then a gentle up and down head shake. So sweet.
I realized today that there are so many words he says that are not words to anyone else except for us.
Here is a sampling of his latest vocal achievements.

NO- obviously NO
Daysh- yes
Da-Di- what he calls stephanie
Aweee- sorry
yow yow- the sound a cat makes
growwwwllll- the sound a lion makes
dagum- he calles me this, this week
geek- not sure what this means but he uses it to communicate something while pointing with distinction
tanooou- thank you
eeeeeee- i want that
EeEeEe- i WANT that
EEEEEE- I want you to do it

thats all I can think of right now
I will teach him to say Peace and namaste next week

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
Today is the 39th fathers day I have spent thinking about you. This year, I am deeply empty inside for the loss of you. I feel your presence around me all of the time, I see your smile in mine and in my son's. I can almost see you sometimes. These almosts don't really add up to much. They are ways that I have derived to cope, simply cope with the canyon of loss I feel without you here. In my lifetime I have only had a very small slice of you. Not even one and 1/2 years. I was 15 months old when you died. What could I possibly do with that? When I was growing up, I used to wish for you, I just knew that you were lost somewhere or that you had been injured, got amnesia and forgot that you had us three girls at home waiting for you. The space in my heart is filled with cobwebs of old desires, wishes, dreams, and what ifs that never happened. They are just flapping in the wind of my mind waiting for a large enough gust to blow them away into the atmosphere. What do these weighted thoughts serve? What do they possibly offer me as an adult with a child? I am not sure. I only know that each father's day, I am reminded that I have spent my entire life without one. Not a day that I can remember did I laugh with you, feel your touch, your hug, the roughness of your hand after a days work. I have felt none of these things. The sound of your laugh is only a vague sound that I have fabricated, to soothe my echoing mind, the sound of your laugh so quiet, and so elusive. In the foreground of my mind, I hear the crashing sound of emptiness and pain. How do I measure the vastness of the space between you and me? There have been times that I have felt so close to you that I did not even know the space was there, but they are always so short lived. The day you sent stephanie to me, the day my son took his first breath. So few days. In my heart I know you are always with me, in my mind I analyze why people say that, what do they think it is really soothing by saying that? It is jut not true. I cannot feel you here, You are here in my mind and in my heart and in spirit and yet I feel the loneliness of not having you here. Mostly I feel the loneliness. On this day I also feel so relieved that our relationship has not gotten eaten up by materialism and the acquiring of things. I have never bought you one gift, I have never had to walk the aisles of the local discount store looking for something you "need". I have only ever given you the gift of my undying love, the pent up desire for just one hug. That is what I give to you. In the night, when my son is sleeping and I feel the softness of his breath on the hair of my arm, I wonder, are you here?, have you seen me?, are you proud of me? I will never know, this hole I have dug and fertilized and prepared for your tree of life, will never be planted in the soil. It will be a hole that will eventually erode, slip inward and blend into the earth.

Faith

Today I am feeling somewhat lost in the universe. There is a part of me that is shriveling and crumbling and I am not sure how to breathe new life into that space. My faith in God is stagnant. I mean, I have faith, I guess it is mor feeling of floating with no grounding force. It is something that my wife and I have struggled with off and on for many years. There is an ebb and flow that moves us close to and then away from spiritual happiness and spiritual growth. A few years ago, we were going to a church that we were really enjoying. I was enjoying it more than my wife was. There was a break from that place and a break from the deep feeling of connectedness that I was beginning to settle into. I have been searching for something that speaks to me. Yoga is a huge help. It has allowed me to find clarity and self acceptance that I never thought I was capable of. But, yoga still leaves me with a space for something, I am not sure what, but something. I read a book by Krishnamurti, and it was about how the seeking is the biggest distraction. The more you seek the more elusive the answer becomes. It is really hard to go through life everyday with a feeling that there is no spiritual safety. In reality, I am not sure if I am looking for a church or just a community of like minded people. We are in a space in our lives again where our friends have thinned out. The constants are still there, but there are no peripherals. That can leave us feeling isolated and alone and disconnected. I wonder why there is a need to have a circle of people around us who are living similarly. I suppose it comes down to belongingness. A way to feel "one" with others. I find myself thinking about finding a new religion. A way to explore the possibilities of what might make sense for me and there is a deep feeling of fear and guilt hat comes to the surface. I believe that I am Christian but I also believe that other religions may make more sense to me than the religion I was raised following. Orthodox. This is something that I try to reconcile and always hit a wall. I believe that I am faithful, I believe in the law of attraction, karma, universal consciousness, universal love and understanding. I believe some things that are jewish, krishna, buddhist, christian. How do you blend all fo those religious theologies into something that makes sense in my everyday life. Practicing a little bit of each, feels too diluted and only practicing christianity feels imbalanced. I want little boy to grow up with a healthy knowledge of many different religions, not just the ones that make sense to me, but the ones that make sense to him. I feel like it is my responsibility t give him the option to choose what he resonates with. But, I don't even know what resonates with me, so I feel ill-equipped to teach him. Prayer feels contrived at times and not praying feels uncomfortable. What is the answer?

Words

Before I had a child, I used to think it would be so awesome for my pets to be able to tell me what was going on with them. Are you sick? Are you hungry? Do you hurt somewhere? Are you tired? Do you need help? And they would just tell me what was going on. It seemed was so heart wrenching to know there was something wrong with my darling pet, and I could not to anything to soothe them, or help them or make things easier or better for them.

Well, fast forward 20 months. Now I have the same problem with my child. He is not talking yet, so everyday there are a series of rituals we have to go through to determine what his needs are.

This weekend was extremely challenging, he was totally inconsolable for about half of the weekend. I'm not exaggerating! It was hell. He would be playing and happy and then, for no apparent reason, just stand up and start sobbing, I mean soooobbbbbiiiinnnnggg. Just totally losing it, and it wasn't because of any specific issue. Well, that lead me to a series of questioning, Are you hungry? WAHHHHH!!! are you scared?, What baby? Are you thirsty? WWAAAAAHHHHH! Honey, are you sore somewhere? Did you hurt your leg? Is your tummy aching? WWWAAAHHHHHHHH! Ok, just come here and let mommy hold you while you cry, maybe that will make you feel better. this went on for hours. At one point we thought, hmmmm maybe we should go to the ER, it seems like something is really wrong, but we cannot figure out what! Then, it hit me, he's overtired. I remembered reading a chapter in this book about sleep that said that when kids are over tired, they become irrational, just like adults. They begin to respond to things in a way that seems out of character for them. This is usually something you realize after several days of confusing behavior which leaves the mom and the kid feeling frustrated and wiped out. I wish he were at the point in his communication that he can say, Mom, I want to eat, can we get pizza? I want to be able to talk to him and hear his responses and provide him what he is trying to ask for. Right now, it is just a series of signs, questions, facial expressions and hopefully smiles, when i get it right. I feel so motivated to try to give him the best childhood experience I can, I want to look back on this time as a time of great awareness and learning for me. I am starting to believe that he is more mysterious than the pyramids. Just when I feel like i can't take it anymore, I look into his eyes and he gives me this precious smirk, the one I have seen before that says, hey, I love you, thanks and I am so glad you get me. All in one glance. At that moment., time stands still, I look around and wonder, Am i on camera? is this really happening? How can I be so lucky? Being a mother is a blessing, the greatest blessing I have ever known. At times it is overwhelming, but it is amazing how I don't really remember it for very long. It passes, quickly and with no residual damage. In it's place comes a deep feeling of love and appreciation. I feel so totally grateful for the moments we have already spent together, even the non-verbal moments, which I know, someday I will long for. The innocence of his life is so glaringly obvious, I want him to always have that drive to learn and communicate and still be able to sit quietly and listen to his inner voice and communicate from his inner voice. This is the irony isn't it?

The right time

Some people would thinkthat a pay cut would be a serious hit to the bank account. I do think that it will be hard,but I see it as a motivator. I really want to start this business of mine. I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I want to be able to walk away from this job, knowing that I did everything I could, to make my life better here and had no other choice,but to leave. I think it is interesting that in the midst of trying to start a business, I am getting a paycut. This is all rumored to be at least 5% but could be as high as 10%. One of the reasons, it sucks to be a contractor is for reasons like this. You have no control over your financial health when things like this hit you in between the eyes. Last night I was a little discouraged, thinking about the immediate changes that will have to happen, cancel the cable, no more pedicures, maybe no cell phone, but today I am encouraged. I think it is a great way to see things as they are and be able to say, you know this is ok, for now, but I have bigger plans, and my plans don't depend on this job. My plans are far more about the future than they are about the moment. Although if you live in the moment for the moment, you find that the future really is not all that important. So I am conflicted. Philosophy vs. reality. I gues sboth answers are right at different times.
I want our lives to be happy and safe and financially secure, but I also want to take a risk, jump out of the "right thing to do" and start this business. I believe in it, totally. I want it to succeed and I want to keep moving toward opening day. In time, the gifts of my perserverence will blossom. In a year or two I will look back on this time and think, that was totally the right decision, totally. I know in my heart that this moment is the right moment for this. I believe it will happen. There are a lot of reasons people can come up with the to try to derail me and my desire for this business to open. To them, I just say, well I have been waiting for the "right time" for 20 years, when will it be the right time? When I am ready to make the commitment, that's when the time is right and that time is now.

total quiet....

This sunday, We shipped little one off to gammy and gampy's for a few hours, so we could sleep.
My wife and I were both very sick this weekend and needed some down time desperately. So I drove him up to Great Lakes Crossing, made the drop, drove back home and went to bed. the first hours was great. I closed my eyes, and immediately feel asleep, the next thing I knew an hour had passed. I was totally awake, I was supposed to be using these 5 hours to sleep,but coudn't so I got up. Went downstairs, made something to eat and sat on the couch. Quiet.........
It was very strange, so quiet with nothing to do. Well, not nothing to do, but nothing in particular that was jumping at me. The first ten minutes were nice, after that I started to think about my little boy, being out there in the world without me. What was he doing, what was he eating, who was he meeting? Just curiosity. Then I began to worry, what would I do if he were kidnapped, if he died, fell from a playscape or was hit by a car, what would I do if I never saw him again, what would I do? I would lose my mind! Why did I let him leave! Then I realized I was being irrational and began to giggle to myself. I realized at that moment that I really never want "my old life" back. My life was now THIS life. The life I have that includes him in every aspect of existence. It seems strange to have a moment when he was not in it. It feels uneasy and disjointed and overall just lonely. I love my time with my wife, when he is asleep or playing with one of the many people who love him in the next room. it is entirely different for him to be gone, out of touch and out of view for a half day. Just totally different.

Sleep

Most nights days after I get home from work, little boy is running around the house, performing his newest tricks/skills for me to cheer and celebrate. We eat dinner, well some of us do, while others fling most of the contents of his high chair tray on the floor. We play a few games, chase, cars, or stack blocks, and watch one of his favorite shows. He begins to pull at my shirt, meaning he wants to nurse, which I immediately use as an opportunity to take him upstairs so he can go nigh nigh. When he begins to nurse, he is very serious aboutit, focused, intensely engaged. Well, about 3 minutes into it, which is when I think the milk runs out, he begins to fidget. Pulling at my other breast, scratching my, smacking my belly, kicking me, shoving his toes into my thigh, etc. I usually tell him 3 or 4 times, no, go nigh nigh, to which he replies.... hahahahhaha, he gets the sweetest smirk on his face, like this is the funniest thing I have ever heard! and then goes back to nursing. We wrestle for awhile longer and eventually he begins to relax. This is one of the most presious things he does, he surrenders, his breathing changes, he begins to inhale deeply and exhale deeply, his arms gently melts to the bed, his eyelids relax and he switches to intermitent nursing. Suck suck suck, pause.......suck suck suck, pause...... for awhile, maybe 5-8 minutes. Then I am able to sloooowly pull away from him and he adjusts his body ina large gross movement to the right or left. This is about the time I usually say to myself, I have to get up, the kitchen is still a mess, the toys are all over and I really need to do some things. But, unfortunately, because I spend most nights waking every 2-3 hours, by the end of the week, there is no chance of me getting out of that bed. Like last night, I have every intention of getting up, awashing the pots and pans I left in the sink from dinner, and putting the toys away, but I fell asleep. This morning, little boy woke up at 7am, after several night waking, which he never remembers and was soooo happy! He gave a big yawn, and smiled at me, rubbed his bleary eyes, pointed to the radio, to ask me to turn off that music, and raised his arms with an anticipatory look, I picked him up and gave him a big hug. Another night of sleep over, a new day begins...

Doggy

Little Boy is getting to be a big boy. When I came home from work yesterday, he said Doggy and pointed to Jupiter. Then I said, yes that's right, to which he replied, doggy, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. Then I said, you are so smart, how are you sugar? He looked at me with this very serious face and said, GRRRRRR so i said, are you growling like a lion? He smiles and said, GRRRRRR, then pointed to Luna and said Doggy. I giggled. We went into the living room, where he immdiately climbed up on the chair and hoisted himself on top of the dining room table. I said, uh-oh thats not for babies, we are not climbing on the table, then picked him uip and set him back on the floor. The quickly repeated the last several steps to climb on top of the table again. To which I replied, Uh-oh tahts not for babies, we are not climbing on the table. Put him back on the floor. Then he got really angry, starting screaming and cried. I todl him I was sorry, but he cannot climb on the table. Let's do something else, where is your Elmo? WAHHHH! Ok, where is your book, the one with the mouse on it, WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! ok, let's see.... Do you want some water? some juice? are you hungry? WAAAHHHH!!!!! hmmm, I don't know what the trouble is babe, what??? he points to the table. I say, oh well we can't climb on the table. You can climb onthe chair, but not on the table. This I think is actually kind of silly, because the table is much bigger and safer to climb on than the chair! But, he doesn't know that. So,I let him get on the chair, I hold him around his belly and he tries to push my hands away. so I let go, he climbs on the table. I say, Little boy, I really don't think you should be on the table. He smiles at me, I say, little boy, I have an idea. Let's go in the kitchen and make something to eat. He seems interested and excited, I pick him up, carry him in the kitchen and begin to look in the cupboards for something to make for dinner. I put him down, he points at Jupiter and says doggy....

Mothers Day 1870

Julia Ward Howe's Proclaimation of 1870
Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearnAll that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,Will be too tender of those of another countryTo allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.
"From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up withOur own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.
"Blood does not wipe out dishonor,Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,But of God
-In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly askThat a general congress of women without limit of nationality,May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Mothers Day

I have decided that Mothers Day is not really for Mothers. I mean, it is because it is called mothers day and all of the restaurants/flower shops/card shops call it a special day, but in reality, it is just another day. We started out our mother's day making brunch for our mothers and the mothers in our lives. We had my mom, Stephs mom and dad and Micki and Annie(new mothers) over this year. We spent 2 days cleaning the house, getting things in order and buying food to cook. We made waffles, scrambled eggs with cheese and sundried tomotaoes and fresh chives from the garden. We had fruit and juice and brownies for dessert. We all had a nice time and it was lovely to have everyone over.
In reality, I would have also loved to just sit in my dirty house with my wife and child and a few friends and just hang out with no pressure to clean or cook. But we wanted to do it, we love entertaining, especially now that we have a functional kitchen. In my lifetime I have been consistently programmed to believe that Mother's Day is a very important day. If you love your mother, you celebrate this day with her for all of the things she does for you throughout the year. It is very hard to balance all of that when we each have a mother to honor and we are both mothers. Maybe thats why fathers day was invented so that fathers take care of the house and kids on mothers day and mothers take care of the kids on fathers day. That way each of the parents in a traditional heterosexual relationship gets a day off. But what happens when both parents are the same gender? I think there should be a way for each of us to be honored and celebrated on mothers day, each of us get a day to ourselves. Maybe we will start having mothers day weekend, so we can each get a day to ourselves and on Sunday we have the grand finale where we get all the mothers in our lives together and celebrate. That might work. Then I think of the single mothers out there, who gives them a break? How do they do it? Never having anytime to regroup or recharge. I think there should be a special holiday for single mothers, maybe it would be a requirement that all single mothers sleep for 6-8 hours by themselves- no kids in the bed- on single mothers day and someone in the family takes care of the baby/toddler for that time. This would be great, wouldn't it? Well, the main issue with mothers day is that it started during war time, at least that is what my friend Diggs told me, she sent me this speech from a very determined chick who wanted the war to end, I will post it here as another post on my blog.
I think it is a nice gesture to have mothers day, but I really dont think it changes anything. I makes those of us with moms who are great, feel great, that we had such a great mom. It makes those of us with moms who are jerks feel crappy because our moms are jerks. It makes those of us whose moms are gone, sad that they are gone, and it makes those of us who are moms of toddlers realize that its just another day, he still wants grapes and orange juice, he still wants to chase the dogs and at night, he still won't sleep.
Happy mothers day.

Saturdays

Saturday, the day of errands, and being too busy to stop and enjoy the sunshine.
Today we got up and all 3 went to yoga, it didn't last though , Little boy was not into it at all. Momma had to occupy him while Mommy taught. This was ok, except during the meditation, I could hear him crying and kept getting distracted. Cam home, had a protein shake while little boy played with his cars and the swiffer. Then went for a walk, checked out some garage sales, not that we need anything, just always looking for a bargain! Then little boy fell quickly to sleep upon our return. Momma came home from the gym. I leave for a dental apt, then, go to a graduation party then shop for mothers day brunch at our house. Saturday is over!
Life is...

Yoga and the art of staying inside your own body

Ok, so I have been really trying to get back to yoga, for me. I already teach on Saturdays for other people and well, I do get something out of it. But,I wanted to get back into my personal practice, the practice that led me to become a yoga teacher in the first place, 4 1/2 years ago. Well I joined Yoga Shelter, and was cautiously optimistic, I had a feeling it would be different than what I was used to, and well yoga is all about letting go of the familiar comfort that we become so accustomed to that it actually limits our growth rather than enables it. Soooooo anyways, The first week was free and I went a few times. Every class was intense and I prespired a lot! I mean, like I ran 3 miles, a lot. I was thinking, hmmmm maybe my saturday classes are not intense enough. I kept trying, I went to a Sunday morning class, it was packed 60+ people in a room with the heat on and that's when it happened. The instructor said "I'm having a retreat, it's a yoga retreat but it's not a freaky yoga retreat, you won't have to roll around in the grass and eat bark! it's gonna be a "cool" retreat, and I don't want to give away the whole movie, so just sign up and see what it's about. Well, for the rest of the class as I moved in and out of postures with little or not direction from the teacher I realized, I am one of those freaky yoga practitioners. That is where yoga originated! that is where the best work happens! in the grass, in silence. Well, I kept going, last week I could not get there at all, I wanted to go to the Sunday class again, but it did not work out. I finally got there yesterday after work. It was a class called Xflowsion. Ok- I don't remember anything called Xflowsion in the yamas or niyamams of yoga? So, the class starts and it is a series of gyrations that are really more like sexually explicit bodily movements to get us "warmed up". Then as we move through the hour, thank God it was only an hour, its gets more like Tae-Bo and kickboxing. About halfway through the class, I realize that I am spending more time focusing on the other students in the class to see if I am doing it "right" than I am on me. This is supposed to be my hour, and I am giving it away to a bunch of strangers. Soooo as everyone is jumping all around and making the floor bounce, I decided to lay down in svasana and rest. This was very unusual to the teacher and I could tell she was feeling a little uncomfortable because she kept saying, it's ok if you want to just rest for a bit, this is your hour, you can do what you need to do for you. The rest of you -Kick it one, two, threee... etc. So, at the end of the class I decided that I would not be going back to Yoga Shelter. It just does not work for me. I prefer a yoga class that is slow and deliberate and respectful to my body as it is today. I wonder how yoga has gotten so off center, how places like this can actually call themselves yoga studios, how people can actually come there and "think" they are doing yoga. I'm not trying to be a purist, but I guess I am a purist when it comes to yoga. I love the yoga experience, the self reflection, the inner work, the body work, the self love, the self forgiveness, the peacefulness, the calm and the rest. The permission we give ourselves to just be in the moment is so infrequent. Life is simply too valuable to me, to let somebody else place their expectations on me. I wonder what the gurus in India would think of Yoga shelter, and I wonder what they would think of me and my yoga experience. Maybe they would see me as something other than a yogi. I hope I can uphold the integrity of yoga as it speaks to me and as I share it with everyone I know. Someday my son will be passing on this legacy. Namaste'

We are a family

How did this happen? In a matter of just under 2 years, our lives have changed completely.
We are a family. We have this little boy, and he is so incredbily magical. We are in a routine, we know what he likes and does not like. We have a frame of reference that we can refer back to when we are reveiwing his facial expressions, his giggles, his cries. We know that he likes to go outside and he will be very content with a mini vanilla cone from DQ. This is the most amazing thing, how we just fold into the groove of this new life, as if it was always there, waiting for us to slip our foot in.

We went for a walk yesterday with Aunt Micki, Aunt Annie, Javier and Misty. We walked to downtown Ferndale, talked about life, about silly stuff and about serious stuff. We saw people who used to be in our friendship circle and we discovered that Just for Us has a lot of sexual content for a 2 year old! Watching Micki and Annie taking Javier on his first walk reminded me how far Steph and I have come. How many firsts we have already passed and how we have already established a rhythm with our son. Watching Steph hold him and comfort him from a distance is just about the most beautiful vision I have ever seen. It is breathtaking to realize how much she loves him. She puts so much time and effort into loving him and still has a heart that overflows with love for me. How does that happen? Is the love we have in our hearts infinite? Are we capable of loving fully, as many as we choose?

The walk was fun, and I missed our friend Janice, she would have totally got the peanut buster parfait which would have encouraged me to get something bigger than, a plain old vanilla cone with sprinkles. I really wanted the hot fudge sundae with nuts and a cherry but nobody else was getting anything...... SO... What could I do?

For today, I am delighted that I have this family, this rhythm and the opportunity to get a peanut buster parfait, even if I choose the vanilla cone.

So much love...

Time time time

Time, the most valuable and evasive commodity. When I was young I always thought time was something that took too much. It took too much time to make the cookies, it took too much time to make the paper mache pinata that I would fill with candy. It took too much time to wait in line at Cedar Point, etc. As I grew, time became something that I was in the middle of. The time is right for me to enroll in this program, it's time to go on vacation, it's time for another job. Now, as I am at the halfway point of my life, time becomes something that is continually slipping from my hands through my fingers like sand. Where has the time gone? How did it pass so quickly? When will I ever have time to clean the house, do the laundry, be with my wife? How wasteful I was with time, laying around for hours on a Sunday, arguing a point for hours, sleeping for hours... Those were the days. As I write this, time is passing, and I am too busy to stop for a moment to soak it in. I think today I will take 10 minutes and go outside and sit in silence.
Not sure when it will be, not sure if it will even happen, but its a good goal.

The time I have with Lux, is very much like when I was a child. I find that time stops or stands still when I am with him. We can examine a worm for 30 minutes and it feels like just a moment.
I love to see the world through his eyes. As I realize that my time is rushing by, I also realize that he has an abundance of it, and somehow I feel like the recipient of his time.
What a beautiful gift he has given me.

Time to go...

baby it was a rough one

Today was a difficult day, little boy was very unhappy. Woke up with a somewhat frustrated perspective. He was very warm, feverish actually, and also fighting a runny nose. I was also fighting a runny/stuffy nose and was feeling really crappy. Steph was generous and watched him all morning so i could sleep. When I stumbled from bed at 11:30am, the living room looked like a toy store threw up. I came to discover that the entire time I was sleeping, little boy was flinging new and old toys about the room, trying very diligently to make Steph insane. The ending was when he pulled a container of crackers out of the pantry, and flipped the lid and flung them all over the kitchen. Then he fought with the dogs over the crackers. The dogs won.

After he woke from his nap, I took him on a walk, we looked a the lilacs, crab apple blossoms and tulips all in full bloom. We walked through the neighborhood, singing and talking about the trees. Well, I was talking, he was listening. Then we went to the grocery store, I brought my reusable bag with me and had it hanging on the back of the stroller, I put everything in it as I was shopping and was wondering if anyone was watching me from a secret grocery cam.
When I got to the checkout, the cashier asks, "paper or plastic" to which I reply, I have my own bag . As I am unloading my bag, I realize that the cashier did not even know I had the bag and I could have left with the $15 worth of groceries and nobody would have been the wiser. Unless they did have a secret grocery cam. But I paid, rebagged my unbagged groceries and we went back home.

I thoroughly enjoy the moments I have with little boy. He is always teaching me things, like even if you think he won't notice, he will notice the cluster of mushrooms growing in the backyard from all the rain and try to eat them. If you are not quick, he'll get one in his mouth and then dry heave from the texture.

He went on his way through the yard, running in his crocs and enjoying the moments that were unfolding in front of him, as he always does. I wonder what day it will be when he doesn't anticipate the moments unfolding in front of him anymore?