total quiet....

This sunday, We shipped little one off to gammy and gampy's for a few hours, so we could sleep.
My wife and I were both very sick this weekend and needed some down time desperately. So I drove him up to Great Lakes Crossing, made the drop, drove back home and went to bed. the first hours was great. I closed my eyes, and immediately feel asleep, the next thing I knew an hour had passed. I was totally awake, I was supposed to be using these 5 hours to sleep,but coudn't so I got up. Went downstairs, made something to eat and sat on the couch. Quiet.........
It was very strange, so quiet with nothing to do. Well, not nothing to do, but nothing in particular that was jumping at me. The first ten minutes were nice, after that I started to think about my little boy, being out there in the world without me. What was he doing, what was he eating, who was he meeting? Just curiosity. Then I began to worry, what would I do if he were kidnapped, if he died, fell from a playscape or was hit by a car, what would I do if I never saw him again, what would I do? I would lose my mind! Why did I let him leave! Then I realized I was being irrational and began to giggle to myself. I realized at that moment that I really never want "my old life" back. My life was now THIS life. The life I have that includes him in every aspect of existence. It seems strange to have a moment when he was not in it. It feels uneasy and disjointed and overall just lonely. I love my time with my wife, when he is asleep or playing with one of the many people who love him in the next room. it is entirely different for him to be gone, out of touch and out of view for a half day. Just totally different.

Sleep

Most nights days after I get home from work, little boy is running around the house, performing his newest tricks/skills for me to cheer and celebrate. We eat dinner, well some of us do, while others fling most of the contents of his high chair tray on the floor. We play a few games, chase, cars, or stack blocks, and watch one of his favorite shows. He begins to pull at my shirt, meaning he wants to nurse, which I immediately use as an opportunity to take him upstairs so he can go nigh nigh. When he begins to nurse, he is very serious aboutit, focused, intensely engaged. Well, about 3 minutes into it, which is when I think the milk runs out, he begins to fidget. Pulling at my other breast, scratching my, smacking my belly, kicking me, shoving his toes into my thigh, etc. I usually tell him 3 or 4 times, no, go nigh nigh, to which he replies.... hahahahhaha, he gets the sweetest smirk on his face, like this is the funniest thing I have ever heard! and then goes back to nursing. We wrestle for awhile longer and eventually he begins to relax. This is one of the most presious things he does, he surrenders, his breathing changes, he begins to inhale deeply and exhale deeply, his arms gently melts to the bed, his eyelids relax and he switches to intermitent nursing. Suck suck suck, pause.......suck suck suck, pause...... for awhile, maybe 5-8 minutes. Then I am able to sloooowly pull away from him and he adjusts his body ina large gross movement to the right or left. This is about the time I usually say to myself, I have to get up, the kitchen is still a mess, the toys are all over and I really need to do some things. But, unfortunately, because I spend most nights waking every 2-3 hours, by the end of the week, there is no chance of me getting out of that bed. Like last night, I have every intention of getting up, awashing the pots and pans I left in the sink from dinner, and putting the toys away, but I fell asleep. This morning, little boy woke up at 7am, after several night waking, which he never remembers and was soooo happy! He gave a big yawn, and smiled at me, rubbed his bleary eyes, pointed to the radio, to ask me to turn off that music, and raised his arms with an anticipatory look, I picked him up and gave him a big hug. Another night of sleep over, a new day begins...

Doggy

Little Boy is getting to be a big boy. When I came home from work yesterday, he said Doggy and pointed to Jupiter. Then I said, yes that's right, to which he replied, doggy, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. Then I said, you are so smart, how are you sugar? He looked at me with this very serious face and said, GRRRRRR so i said, are you growling like a lion? He smiles and said, GRRRRRR, then pointed to Luna and said Doggy. I giggled. We went into the living room, where he immdiately climbed up on the chair and hoisted himself on top of the dining room table. I said, uh-oh thats not for babies, we are not climbing on the table, then picked him uip and set him back on the floor. The quickly repeated the last several steps to climb on top of the table again. To which I replied, Uh-oh tahts not for babies, we are not climbing on the table. Put him back on the floor. Then he got really angry, starting screaming and cried. I todl him I was sorry, but he cannot climb on the table. Let's do something else, where is your Elmo? WAHHHH! Ok, where is your book, the one with the mouse on it, WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! ok, let's see.... Do you want some water? some juice? are you hungry? WAAAHHHH!!!!! hmmm, I don't know what the trouble is babe, what??? he points to the table. I say, oh well we can't climb on the table. You can climb onthe chair, but not on the table. This I think is actually kind of silly, because the table is much bigger and safer to climb on than the chair! But, he doesn't know that. So,I let him get on the chair, I hold him around his belly and he tries to push my hands away. so I let go, he climbs on the table. I say, Little boy, I really don't think you should be on the table. He smiles at me, I say, little boy, I have an idea. Let's go in the kitchen and make something to eat. He seems interested and excited, I pick him up, carry him in the kitchen and begin to look in the cupboards for something to make for dinner. I put him down, he points at Jupiter and says doggy....

Mothers Day 1870

Julia Ward Howe's Proclaimation of 1870
Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearnAll that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,Will be too tender of those of another countryTo allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.
"From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up withOur own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.
"Blood does not wipe out dishonor,Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,But of God
-In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly askThat a general congress of women without limit of nationality,May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Mothers Day

I have decided that Mothers Day is not really for Mothers. I mean, it is because it is called mothers day and all of the restaurants/flower shops/card shops call it a special day, but in reality, it is just another day. We started out our mother's day making brunch for our mothers and the mothers in our lives. We had my mom, Stephs mom and dad and Micki and Annie(new mothers) over this year. We spent 2 days cleaning the house, getting things in order and buying food to cook. We made waffles, scrambled eggs with cheese and sundried tomotaoes and fresh chives from the garden. We had fruit and juice and brownies for dessert. We all had a nice time and it was lovely to have everyone over.
In reality, I would have also loved to just sit in my dirty house with my wife and child and a few friends and just hang out with no pressure to clean or cook. But we wanted to do it, we love entertaining, especially now that we have a functional kitchen. In my lifetime I have been consistently programmed to believe that Mother's Day is a very important day. If you love your mother, you celebrate this day with her for all of the things she does for you throughout the year. It is very hard to balance all of that when we each have a mother to honor and we are both mothers. Maybe thats why fathers day was invented so that fathers take care of the house and kids on mothers day and mothers take care of the kids on fathers day. That way each of the parents in a traditional heterosexual relationship gets a day off. But what happens when both parents are the same gender? I think there should be a way for each of us to be honored and celebrated on mothers day, each of us get a day to ourselves. Maybe we will start having mothers day weekend, so we can each get a day to ourselves and on Sunday we have the grand finale where we get all the mothers in our lives together and celebrate. That might work. Then I think of the single mothers out there, who gives them a break? How do they do it? Never having anytime to regroup or recharge. I think there should be a special holiday for single mothers, maybe it would be a requirement that all single mothers sleep for 6-8 hours by themselves- no kids in the bed- on single mothers day and someone in the family takes care of the baby/toddler for that time. This would be great, wouldn't it? Well, the main issue with mothers day is that it started during war time, at least that is what my friend Diggs told me, she sent me this speech from a very determined chick who wanted the war to end, I will post it here as another post on my blog.
I think it is a nice gesture to have mothers day, but I really dont think it changes anything. I makes those of us with moms who are great, feel great, that we had such a great mom. It makes those of us with moms who are jerks feel crappy because our moms are jerks. It makes those of us whose moms are gone, sad that they are gone, and it makes those of us who are moms of toddlers realize that its just another day, he still wants grapes and orange juice, he still wants to chase the dogs and at night, he still won't sleep.
Happy mothers day.

Saturdays

Saturday, the day of errands, and being too busy to stop and enjoy the sunshine.
Today we got up and all 3 went to yoga, it didn't last though , Little boy was not into it at all. Momma had to occupy him while Mommy taught. This was ok, except during the meditation, I could hear him crying and kept getting distracted. Cam home, had a protein shake while little boy played with his cars and the swiffer. Then went for a walk, checked out some garage sales, not that we need anything, just always looking for a bargain! Then little boy fell quickly to sleep upon our return. Momma came home from the gym. I leave for a dental apt, then, go to a graduation party then shop for mothers day brunch at our house. Saturday is over!
Life is...

Yoga and the art of staying inside your own body

Ok, so I have been really trying to get back to yoga, for me. I already teach on Saturdays for other people and well, I do get something out of it. But,I wanted to get back into my personal practice, the practice that led me to become a yoga teacher in the first place, 4 1/2 years ago. Well I joined Yoga Shelter, and was cautiously optimistic, I had a feeling it would be different than what I was used to, and well yoga is all about letting go of the familiar comfort that we become so accustomed to that it actually limits our growth rather than enables it. Soooooo anyways, The first week was free and I went a few times. Every class was intense and I prespired a lot! I mean, like I ran 3 miles, a lot. I was thinking, hmmmm maybe my saturday classes are not intense enough. I kept trying, I went to a Sunday morning class, it was packed 60+ people in a room with the heat on and that's when it happened. The instructor said "I'm having a retreat, it's a yoga retreat but it's not a freaky yoga retreat, you won't have to roll around in the grass and eat bark! it's gonna be a "cool" retreat, and I don't want to give away the whole movie, so just sign up and see what it's about. Well, for the rest of the class as I moved in and out of postures with little or not direction from the teacher I realized, I am one of those freaky yoga practitioners. That is where yoga originated! that is where the best work happens! in the grass, in silence. Well, I kept going, last week I could not get there at all, I wanted to go to the Sunday class again, but it did not work out. I finally got there yesterday after work. It was a class called Xflowsion. Ok- I don't remember anything called Xflowsion in the yamas or niyamams of yoga? So, the class starts and it is a series of gyrations that are really more like sexually explicit bodily movements to get us "warmed up". Then as we move through the hour, thank God it was only an hour, its gets more like Tae-Bo and kickboxing. About halfway through the class, I realize that I am spending more time focusing on the other students in the class to see if I am doing it "right" than I am on me. This is supposed to be my hour, and I am giving it away to a bunch of strangers. Soooo as everyone is jumping all around and making the floor bounce, I decided to lay down in svasana and rest. This was very unusual to the teacher and I could tell she was feeling a little uncomfortable because she kept saying, it's ok if you want to just rest for a bit, this is your hour, you can do what you need to do for you. The rest of you -Kick it one, two, threee... etc. So, at the end of the class I decided that I would not be going back to Yoga Shelter. It just does not work for me. I prefer a yoga class that is slow and deliberate and respectful to my body as it is today. I wonder how yoga has gotten so off center, how places like this can actually call themselves yoga studios, how people can actually come there and "think" they are doing yoga. I'm not trying to be a purist, but I guess I am a purist when it comes to yoga. I love the yoga experience, the self reflection, the inner work, the body work, the self love, the self forgiveness, the peacefulness, the calm and the rest. The permission we give ourselves to just be in the moment is so infrequent. Life is simply too valuable to me, to let somebody else place their expectations on me. I wonder what the gurus in India would think of Yoga shelter, and I wonder what they would think of me and my yoga experience. Maybe they would see me as something other than a yogi. I hope I can uphold the integrity of yoga as it speaks to me and as I share it with everyone I know. Someday my son will be passing on this legacy. Namaste'

We are a family

How did this happen? In a matter of just under 2 years, our lives have changed completely.
We are a family. We have this little boy, and he is so incredbily magical. We are in a routine, we know what he likes and does not like. We have a frame of reference that we can refer back to when we are reveiwing his facial expressions, his giggles, his cries. We know that he likes to go outside and he will be very content with a mini vanilla cone from DQ. This is the most amazing thing, how we just fold into the groove of this new life, as if it was always there, waiting for us to slip our foot in.

We went for a walk yesterday with Aunt Micki, Aunt Annie, Javier and Misty. We walked to downtown Ferndale, talked about life, about silly stuff and about serious stuff. We saw people who used to be in our friendship circle and we discovered that Just for Us has a lot of sexual content for a 2 year old! Watching Micki and Annie taking Javier on his first walk reminded me how far Steph and I have come. How many firsts we have already passed and how we have already established a rhythm with our son. Watching Steph hold him and comfort him from a distance is just about the most beautiful vision I have ever seen. It is breathtaking to realize how much she loves him. She puts so much time and effort into loving him and still has a heart that overflows with love for me. How does that happen? Is the love we have in our hearts infinite? Are we capable of loving fully, as many as we choose?

The walk was fun, and I missed our friend Janice, she would have totally got the peanut buster parfait which would have encouraged me to get something bigger than, a plain old vanilla cone with sprinkles. I really wanted the hot fudge sundae with nuts and a cherry but nobody else was getting anything...... SO... What could I do?

For today, I am delighted that I have this family, this rhythm and the opportunity to get a peanut buster parfait, even if I choose the vanilla cone.

So much love...

Time time time

Time, the most valuable and evasive commodity. When I was young I always thought time was something that took too much. It took too much time to make the cookies, it took too much time to make the paper mache pinata that I would fill with candy. It took too much time to wait in line at Cedar Point, etc. As I grew, time became something that I was in the middle of. The time is right for me to enroll in this program, it's time to go on vacation, it's time for another job. Now, as I am at the halfway point of my life, time becomes something that is continually slipping from my hands through my fingers like sand. Where has the time gone? How did it pass so quickly? When will I ever have time to clean the house, do the laundry, be with my wife? How wasteful I was with time, laying around for hours on a Sunday, arguing a point for hours, sleeping for hours... Those were the days. As I write this, time is passing, and I am too busy to stop for a moment to soak it in. I think today I will take 10 minutes and go outside and sit in silence.
Not sure when it will be, not sure if it will even happen, but its a good goal.

The time I have with Lux, is very much like when I was a child. I find that time stops or stands still when I am with him. We can examine a worm for 30 minutes and it feels like just a moment.
I love to see the world through his eyes. As I realize that my time is rushing by, I also realize that he has an abundance of it, and somehow I feel like the recipient of his time.
What a beautiful gift he has given me.

Time to go...

baby it was a rough one

Today was a difficult day, little boy was very unhappy. Woke up with a somewhat frustrated perspective. He was very warm, feverish actually, and also fighting a runny nose. I was also fighting a runny/stuffy nose and was feeling really crappy. Steph was generous and watched him all morning so i could sleep. When I stumbled from bed at 11:30am, the living room looked like a toy store threw up. I came to discover that the entire time I was sleeping, little boy was flinging new and old toys about the room, trying very diligently to make Steph insane. The ending was when he pulled a container of crackers out of the pantry, and flipped the lid and flung them all over the kitchen. Then he fought with the dogs over the crackers. The dogs won.

After he woke from his nap, I took him on a walk, we looked a the lilacs, crab apple blossoms and tulips all in full bloom. We walked through the neighborhood, singing and talking about the trees. Well, I was talking, he was listening. Then we went to the grocery store, I brought my reusable bag with me and had it hanging on the back of the stroller, I put everything in it as I was shopping and was wondering if anyone was watching me from a secret grocery cam.
When I got to the checkout, the cashier asks, "paper or plastic" to which I reply, I have my own bag . As I am unloading my bag, I realize that the cashier did not even know I had the bag and I could have left with the $15 worth of groceries and nobody would have been the wiser. Unless they did have a secret grocery cam. But I paid, rebagged my unbagged groceries and we went back home.

I thoroughly enjoy the moments I have with little boy. He is always teaching me things, like even if you think he won't notice, he will notice the cluster of mushrooms growing in the backyard from all the rain and try to eat them. If you are not quick, he'll get one in his mouth and then dry heave from the texture.

He went on his way through the yard, running in his crocs and enjoying the moments that were unfolding in front of him, as he always does. I wonder what day it will be when he doesn't anticipate the moments unfolding in front of him anymore?