bab evolves

Today my friend Kelly came over for dinner with her family. She and her wife are expecting their second child. Their first child is 6. Kelly is an amazing mom and her wife Janet is too. Kelly became partnered after she has raised her daughter for 4 years by herself. She is a total delight and I have loved her since she was conceived. She is born the day after and I feel like she was sent here from some place to bring laughter and creativity to the world. Well, She is also an incredible artist. She brought her artwork from art camp and I was very impressed by her color combinations, her composition and her expression of feelings. I am now sitting in a quiet house with a sleeping child, wife, dogs and cats. The only thing that is not sleeping is me. I am not sleeping because I am thinking about how different my life is now and I remember anticipating my son's arrival. I could not wait for him to get here. We would just talk to him all the time about how we wanted him to come and how everyone was so excited to meet him and that we were so happy he was coming. While Kelly was here, the baby was moving all over the place, trying to get comfortable, stretching out one leg, then shoving her rear up in the air and then spinning downward. After they left, I remembered how magical that time was while we were waiting. I miss those times, I miss having him in my belly and feeling his every move. There was so much comfort in knowing that he was in there, safe and fed and warm and needing nothing. I felt so close to him, we were truly one. Once he came out I can remember those first few months, just staring at him, watching him breathe, watching his little lips purse in a suckling motion. I remember his tiny little finger clutching my huge pinkie finger like it was his only grasp on reality. Don't get me wrong, he is still dependent,but not like that. Many days, I am so grateful that he is independent, that he can walk on his own, that he can show me what he wants to eat, that he can play by himself long enough for me to pee. But some days, when the house is quiet, and the lights are dim, I lay and think about what it was like having him inside of me, the telepathic conversations we used to have, his first breath and the first time he ever looked at me and I miss that.

What's right is right

Racial discrimination in the workplace is something that many of us are bystanders to. I was a witness to some very racially motivated derogatory comments and I felt that I had to do something about it. I reported the guy to HR. He is pretty high up at the company and he has quite bit of clout. He's one step down from a VP. He's been around for 20years+ and you would think he would know better. But I guess there are assholes at every level. Anyways, I reported him, an investigation was opened, many were interviewed and the investigation has not been closed yet. They are still talking to people. The thing is, this guy ignores me now, it makes it very difficult to work because I am being ignored. I do not work directly for him, so its not that big of a deal but i see him everyday. His office is right outside my desk. The biggest issue I have is, he was wrong, not me, but in our society, for some reason, I feel bad, I feel like I should have given him another chance to mess up before I reported him, but I know it was the right thing to do. There should never be a time when racial discrimination is acceptable. I know, it happens, but I cannot stand by and watch it happen and be silent. It feels like I am participating if I do not stop the slurs. I suppose he will try like hell to avoid me and it will just be the way it is, but I really don't like working like that. In times like these, I think about Mr. Schindler, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Bobby Kennedy. It's never popular to do what is right when everyone around you is too concerned with their own safety to stop the behavior. I know I was brought here to make people wake up and be professional. I hope I can spend the rest of my time here having fun and enjoying my job. Soon I will not have to work here anymore when I open the business, I just need to keep remembering that this job is a means to an end. Nothing more.

more kids?

Kids are incredibly fulfilling and challenging at the same time. I feel so selfish because I just do not want anymore kids. Maybe someday, we will adopt another child, maybe in a couple of years my perspective will change. I mean, there was a time when I wanted no kids. Obviously that has changed and I am thrilled that I did get to the point that I actually yearned for a child. To have my son in my life is a whirlwind of excitement, isolation, happiness, sadness, fulfillment and emptiness all at once. I am feeling so relieved that he is getting so much easier. I have to be honest, I sometimes dream about the day that he will be able to get his own meals, feed himself, go to the potty, read, write and talk all on his own. It's not that I don't enjoy motherhood, I do, I love it. I just want a portion of me to remain. I am more than a mother, I am Suzie and I have an identity that goes far beyond mom. I think this is coming up for me for a few reasons. 1. Many strangers ask me, so when are you having another one? Usually it is right after they tell me how beautiful my son is. When I say, oh no we're done, they look at me like I have just stolen their hope for more beautiful people in the world! And then they usually say, oh to bad, he is so beautiful. 2. My friends Mick and Annie are going to have another child, they want another child as soon as possible. Their son is not yet 2 months old. I remember feeling like I wanted another baby when my son was that age. I respect their decision, but I am just not in that space to have more kids right now. I have actually been less supportive than I should be, I mean I guess I have just been cynical and I should not be, it' s not my life. I love them, they are family to us, and I should celebrate their excitement and anticipation, not discourage them. 3. Many coworkers ask me repeatedly when we are having number 2. To which my response is, Uh, no, no number 2. Then I have to listen to 20 minutes of reasons why I should have another child, mostly it is guilt ridden questioning, such as, Well, what are you gonna do, just raise one child? Won't he be lonely? It's not really fair to only have one child. The child needs a companion. All of these questions I answer with a smile. Yes, just one child, He wont be lonely unless he spends his childhood living alone, Oh yeah you're right, its not fair to give him everything he needs without struggling, maybe having a sibling would be more adversity than he is interested in. I guess I find it very presumptuous for people to offer their opinions about my life. This wouldn't be so bad if I were asking for advice. But I am not. I am very content being the mom of 1 for now and I am happy to keep a tiny little spot open for the possibility of having another child someday. I wonder what my son would say if he could tell me what his life is supposed to be like. I cannot envision splitting myself in 3rds (4ths actually) I am split in 3rds right now. one 3rd for my son, one 3rd for my wife and one 3td for me. Actually its more like one half for my son, one quarter for my wife and one quarter for me, yes that's more realistic. Most days it is challenging to decide if I will get sleep, clean the kitchen, or just lay on the couch for an hour with nobody needing anything from me. If i had to split myself in 4ths I think I would disappear. Maybe this is the real issue, I don't want to get placed so far back in the drawer that I disappear. Right now, I am just feeling like I am able to reacquaint myself with me. I think I would like to see what my life looks like now, before I add another child.

daysh

There is a new word in my sons vocabulary, it is Daysh.
It means yes, he was saying NO to everything, even the stuff he did want, so I decided that I would offer yes and see if it stuck. When I asked him a question like, do you want juice, he would say NO, then I would say, can you say yes? his reply was Daysh. and then a gentle up and down head shake. So sweet.
I realized today that there are so many words he says that are not words to anyone else except for us.
Here is a sampling of his latest vocal achievements.

NO- obviously NO
Daysh- yes
Da-Di- what he calls stephanie
Aweee- sorry
yow yow- the sound a cat makes
growwwwllll- the sound a lion makes
dagum- he calles me this, this week
geek- not sure what this means but he uses it to communicate something while pointing with distinction
tanooou- thank you
eeeeeee- i want that
EeEeEe- i WANT that
EEEEEE- I want you to do it

thats all I can think of right now
I will teach him to say Peace and namaste next week

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
Today is the 39th fathers day I have spent thinking about you. This year, I am deeply empty inside for the loss of you. I feel your presence around me all of the time, I see your smile in mine and in my son's. I can almost see you sometimes. These almosts don't really add up to much. They are ways that I have derived to cope, simply cope with the canyon of loss I feel without you here. In my lifetime I have only had a very small slice of you. Not even one and 1/2 years. I was 15 months old when you died. What could I possibly do with that? When I was growing up, I used to wish for you, I just knew that you were lost somewhere or that you had been injured, got amnesia and forgot that you had us three girls at home waiting for you. The space in my heart is filled with cobwebs of old desires, wishes, dreams, and what ifs that never happened. They are just flapping in the wind of my mind waiting for a large enough gust to blow them away into the atmosphere. What do these weighted thoughts serve? What do they possibly offer me as an adult with a child? I am not sure. I only know that each father's day, I am reminded that I have spent my entire life without one. Not a day that I can remember did I laugh with you, feel your touch, your hug, the roughness of your hand after a days work. I have felt none of these things. The sound of your laugh is only a vague sound that I have fabricated, to soothe my echoing mind, the sound of your laugh so quiet, and so elusive. In the foreground of my mind, I hear the crashing sound of emptiness and pain. How do I measure the vastness of the space between you and me? There have been times that I have felt so close to you that I did not even know the space was there, but they are always so short lived. The day you sent stephanie to me, the day my son took his first breath. So few days. In my heart I know you are always with me, in my mind I analyze why people say that, what do they think it is really soothing by saying that? It is jut not true. I cannot feel you here, You are here in my mind and in my heart and in spirit and yet I feel the loneliness of not having you here. Mostly I feel the loneliness. On this day I also feel so relieved that our relationship has not gotten eaten up by materialism and the acquiring of things. I have never bought you one gift, I have never had to walk the aisles of the local discount store looking for something you "need". I have only ever given you the gift of my undying love, the pent up desire for just one hug. That is what I give to you. In the night, when my son is sleeping and I feel the softness of his breath on the hair of my arm, I wonder, are you here?, have you seen me?, are you proud of me? I will never know, this hole I have dug and fertilized and prepared for your tree of life, will never be planted in the soil. It will be a hole that will eventually erode, slip inward and blend into the earth.

Faith

Today I am feeling somewhat lost in the universe. There is a part of me that is shriveling and crumbling and I am not sure how to breathe new life into that space. My faith in God is stagnant. I mean, I have faith, I guess it is mor feeling of floating with no grounding force. It is something that my wife and I have struggled with off and on for many years. There is an ebb and flow that moves us close to and then away from spiritual happiness and spiritual growth. A few years ago, we were going to a church that we were really enjoying. I was enjoying it more than my wife was. There was a break from that place and a break from the deep feeling of connectedness that I was beginning to settle into. I have been searching for something that speaks to me. Yoga is a huge help. It has allowed me to find clarity and self acceptance that I never thought I was capable of. But, yoga still leaves me with a space for something, I am not sure what, but something. I read a book by Krishnamurti, and it was about how the seeking is the biggest distraction. The more you seek the more elusive the answer becomes. It is really hard to go through life everyday with a feeling that there is no spiritual safety. In reality, I am not sure if I am looking for a church or just a community of like minded people. We are in a space in our lives again where our friends have thinned out. The constants are still there, but there are no peripherals. That can leave us feeling isolated and alone and disconnected. I wonder why there is a need to have a circle of people around us who are living similarly. I suppose it comes down to belongingness. A way to feel "one" with others. I find myself thinking about finding a new religion. A way to explore the possibilities of what might make sense for me and there is a deep feeling of fear and guilt hat comes to the surface. I believe that I am Christian but I also believe that other religions may make more sense to me than the religion I was raised following. Orthodox. This is something that I try to reconcile and always hit a wall. I believe that I am faithful, I believe in the law of attraction, karma, universal consciousness, universal love and understanding. I believe some things that are jewish, krishna, buddhist, christian. How do you blend all fo those religious theologies into something that makes sense in my everyday life. Practicing a little bit of each, feels too diluted and only practicing christianity feels imbalanced. I want little boy to grow up with a healthy knowledge of many different religions, not just the ones that make sense to me, but the ones that make sense to him. I feel like it is my responsibility t give him the option to choose what he resonates with. But, I don't even know what resonates with me, so I feel ill-equipped to teach him. Prayer feels contrived at times and not praying feels uncomfortable. What is the answer?

Words

Before I had a child, I used to think it would be so awesome for my pets to be able to tell me what was going on with them. Are you sick? Are you hungry? Do you hurt somewhere? Are you tired? Do you need help? And they would just tell me what was going on. It seemed was so heart wrenching to know there was something wrong with my darling pet, and I could not to anything to soothe them, or help them or make things easier or better for them.

Well, fast forward 20 months. Now I have the same problem with my child. He is not talking yet, so everyday there are a series of rituals we have to go through to determine what his needs are.

This weekend was extremely challenging, he was totally inconsolable for about half of the weekend. I'm not exaggerating! It was hell. He would be playing and happy and then, for no apparent reason, just stand up and start sobbing, I mean soooobbbbbiiiinnnnggg. Just totally losing it, and it wasn't because of any specific issue. Well, that lead me to a series of questioning, Are you hungry? WAHHHHH!!! are you scared?, What baby? Are you thirsty? WWAAAAAHHHHH! Honey, are you sore somewhere? Did you hurt your leg? Is your tummy aching? WWWAAAHHHHHHHH! Ok, just come here and let mommy hold you while you cry, maybe that will make you feel better. this went on for hours. At one point we thought, hmmmm maybe we should go to the ER, it seems like something is really wrong, but we cannot figure out what! Then, it hit me, he's overtired. I remembered reading a chapter in this book about sleep that said that when kids are over tired, they become irrational, just like adults. They begin to respond to things in a way that seems out of character for them. This is usually something you realize after several days of confusing behavior which leaves the mom and the kid feeling frustrated and wiped out. I wish he were at the point in his communication that he can say, Mom, I want to eat, can we get pizza? I want to be able to talk to him and hear his responses and provide him what he is trying to ask for. Right now, it is just a series of signs, questions, facial expressions and hopefully smiles, when i get it right. I feel so motivated to try to give him the best childhood experience I can, I want to look back on this time as a time of great awareness and learning for me. I am starting to believe that he is more mysterious than the pyramids. Just when I feel like i can't take it anymore, I look into his eyes and he gives me this precious smirk, the one I have seen before that says, hey, I love you, thanks and I am so glad you get me. All in one glance. At that moment., time stands still, I look around and wonder, Am i on camera? is this really happening? How can I be so lucky? Being a mother is a blessing, the greatest blessing I have ever known. At times it is overwhelming, but it is amazing how I don't really remember it for very long. It passes, quickly and with no residual damage. In it's place comes a deep feeling of love and appreciation. I feel so totally grateful for the moments we have already spent together, even the non-verbal moments, which I know, someday I will long for. The innocence of his life is so glaringly obvious, I want him to always have that drive to learn and communicate and still be able to sit quietly and listen to his inner voice and communicate from his inner voice. This is the irony isn't it?

The right time

Some people would thinkthat a pay cut would be a serious hit to the bank account. I do think that it will be hard,but I see it as a motivator. I really want to start this business of mine. I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I want to be able to walk away from this job, knowing that I did everything I could, to make my life better here and had no other choice,but to leave. I think it is interesting that in the midst of trying to start a business, I am getting a paycut. This is all rumored to be at least 5% but could be as high as 10%. One of the reasons, it sucks to be a contractor is for reasons like this. You have no control over your financial health when things like this hit you in between the eyes. Last night I was a little discouraged, thinking about the immediate changes that will have to happen, cancel the cable, no more pedicures, maybe no cell phone, but today I am encouraged. I think it is a great way to see things as they are and be able to say, you know this is ok, for now, but I have bigger plans, and my plans don't depend on this job. My plans are far more about the future than they are about the moment. Although if you live in the moment for the moment, you find that the future really is not all that important. So I am conflicted. Philosophy vs. reality. I gues sboth answers are right at different times.
I want our lives to be happy and safe and financially secure, but I also want to take a risk, jump out of the "right thing to do" and start this business. I believe in it, totally. I want it to succeed and I want to keep moving toward opening day. In time, the gifts of my perserverence will blossom. In a year or two I will look back on this time and think, that was totally the right decision, totally. I know in my heart that this moment is the right moment for this. I believe it will happen. There are a lot of reasons people can come up with the to try to derail me and my desire for this business to open. To them, I just say, well I have been waiting for the "right time" for 20 years, when will it be the right time? When I am ready to make the commitment, that's when the time is right and that time is now.