Thursday, June 19, 2008
more kids?
Kids are incredibly fulfilling and challenging at the same time. I feel so selfish because I just do not want anymore kids. Maybe someday, we will adopt another child, maybe in a couple of years my perspective will change. I mean, there was a time when I wanted no kids. Obviously that has changed and I am thrilled that I did get to the point that I actually yearned for a child. To have my son in my life is a whirlwind of excitement, isolation, happiness, sadness, fulfillment and emptiness all at once. I am feeling so relieved that he is getting so much easier. I have to be honest, I sometimes dream about the day that he will be able to get his own meals, feed himself, go to the potty, read, write and talk all on his own. It's not that I don't enjoy motherhood, I do, I love it. I just want a portion of me to remain. I am more than a mother, I am Suzie and I have an identity that goes far beyond mom. I think this is coming up for me for a few reasons. 1. Many strangers ask me, so when are you having another one? Usually it is right after they tell me how beautiful my son is. When I say, oh no we're done, they look at me like I have just stolen their hope for more beautiful people in the world! And then they usually say, oh to bad, he is so beautiful. 2. My friends Mick and Annie are going to have another child, they want another child as soon as possible. Their son is not yet 2 months old. I remember feeling like I wanted another baby when my son was that age. I respect their decision, but I am just not in that space to have more kids right now. I have actually been less supportive than I should be, I mean I guess I have just been cynical and I should not be, it' s not my life. I love them, they are family to us, and I should celebrate their excitement and anticipation, not discourage them. 3. Many coworkers ask me repeatedly when we are having number 2. To which my response is, Uh, no, no number 2. Then I have to listen to 20 minutes of reasons why I should have another child, mostly it is guilt ridden questioning, such as, Well, what are you gonna do, just raise one child? Won't he be lonely? It's not really fair to only have one child. The child needs a companion. All of these questions I answer with a smile. Yes, just one child, He wont be lonely unless he spends his childhood living alone, Oh yeah you're right, its not fair to give him everything he needs without struggling, maybe having a sibling would be more adversity than he is interested in. I guess I find it very presumptuous for people to offer their opinions about my life. This wouldn't be so bad if I were asking for advice. But I am not. I am very content being the mom of 1 for now and I am happy to keep a tiny little spot open for the possibility of having another child someday. I wonder what my son would say if he could tell me what his life is supposed to be like. I cannot envision splitting myself in 3rds (4ths actually) I am split in 3rds right now. one 3rd for my son, one 3rd for my wife and one 3td for me. Actually its more like one half for my son, one quarter for my wife and one quarter for me, yes that's more realistic. Most days it is challenging to decide if I will get sleep, clean the kitchen, or just lay on the couch for an hour with nobody needing anything from me. If i had to split myself in 4ths I think I would disappear. Maybe this is the real issue, I don't want to get placed so far back in the drawer that I disappear. Right now, I am just feeling like I am able to reacquaint myself with me. I think I would like to see what my life looks like now, before I add another child.
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3 comments:
You and your wife having just little boy works perfect for you ladies and thats okay. I grew up an only child and even though I was lonely, I also had a different mother. You and Steph are very different parents than mine, so I think little boy will be very happy and content with being an only child.
Some people say we are crazy planning our next child. Perhaps Ann and I will say " what were we thinking?" while we sit and cry in our living room because our children are upset from being wet and hungry, but I doubt that will happen. Ann and I make a great team. (which does NOT negate your team). We just want a larger family and now is the time to make it happen for us.
Just wrote you, but lost it. So here it is again, I hope. You are ok w/1 kid. Stop beating yourself up. There are no rules saying you have to have more. What about that woman on the west coast who has 18. We may not agree w/her, but it's her choice, her life and that's it. You & Steph are great Mom's, don't forget that! Plus Lux has dogs, cats, family & friends to keep him company & be happy. A 2nd kid may not work, then what? You have a right to time for you, steph & lux, so use it, enjoy it and keep it light. Don't think about it so much or try to analyze it or care what people think, it's your life, your family, your time. This is right for you, maybe not for someone else, but that's ok. You are not selfish, or bad, or anything else negative, you are a full & complete woman: you are a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend & most of all a great person. So kiss yourself & get a manicure & pedicure, you need it, let along deserve it. pat xoxoxo
I get this too! Sometimes in an accusatory way, sometimes in a 'poor you' kind of way. Either way, as if E. is not enough in and of herself. There's strong social pressure to have a second. But I'm happy with just one, and E. is thriving. And single children do just fine; they share more easily than kids with sibs, they're known for being very social, and they tend to have good outcomes in life (research geek rears her head).
Although, sometimes, depending on who's asking, I tell them that my daughter has plenty of half-sibs. :)
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