Pain and death

Today is a sad day. My brother in laws sister Irene passed away yesterday from a rare form of Leukemia. She had a persistent cough that lasted two years. During that time she went to the doctor dozens of times, they kept saying she had a cold, a sinus infection, post nasal drip,etc... after 2 yrs they finally did a series of blood tests and found that she had leukemia and was acute stage meaning that 30% of her blood was already infected. She went through the chemo and radiation and went into remission, for 4 months, then she got a cold, couging. achy and fatigued. Well it wasnt a cold it was the end. She went into hospice care this thursday and died yesterday.
I found out from my sister, her shaky, broken voice ont he other side of the phone, trying to choke out...I R EE N N EE .....I s D E A D. The rush of emotion that came after that statement was one I have never experienced with Cindy. She is not emotional, she is not open like that. I think when my dad died, whatever part of her that had the ability to be open was permanently closed. I heard the sorrow in her voice, the pain that went beyond anything I had ever experienced and for a moment I felt connected to her in a way that I have never felt connected to her. Hearing her sobbing felt so desperate to me. Like I was absolutely helpless to assist in relieving her pain and completely unable to answer her questions. What are the answers to the Why's when someone dies. I suppose there aren't any. Since Irene was in hospice, her pain was managed until her body could not keep up with the slow decline that the medications were presenting and she finally succumbed to the peaceful rest that was awaiting her.
I told my sister, I don't want mom to die like that. I don't want her to gurgle and moan her way into obliviion. I want her to die when she is still my mom, not just some old person who is waiting to die. At times like these, there are so many things that run in and out of my mind. I want to cry every last tear out of my body, I want run, I want to shout and kick and vomit and collapse. When someone I know dies, it opens up the tunnel where all the dark pain is from the loss of my dad and I just want to run deep into the tunnel where I cannot see light from either end, and stay there in the horror. I want to try to feel the deepest pain, thinking in some way that if I do, I will honor my father and his memory. the risk is, can I find my way out of the tunnel? Will i ever be free from it?

life

So today is November 3rd. My son is getting bigger and i noticed yesterday that he really looks like a (bigger) little boy. His facial structure is changing, his nose is getting a bit longer and his cheekbones are starting to show more as his face thins out. Miraculous, I can see the 9 yr old in him. All of a sudden, I am missing the baby days. They were so hard, so much to do, constantly, changing diapers, washing bottles, pumping breast milk, no sleeping, not eating, baby vomit, baby spit everywhere.... and yet, I miss my baby. Lol. I guess there is no better way to put it other than, it feels so permanent when he starts to grow up. it feels like there will be a moment in time when none of this is even a memory. We will be on to bigger stuff. His first ER visit, his first, love, his first broken heart. The innocence of his early childhood will be replaced by the harshness of life. In place of my cuddly 3 yr old will be my independent and opinionated 9 yr old and mommy will no longer be the first choice for comfort, conversation or collaboration. It will be his friends. I know this is what supposed to happen, I know that. But. I didn't expect it to happen so fast, with such fury and such vigor. The other day I noticed something about his conversation skills. I said, I love you and he said, I love you too mommy. Up until this point, when I would say I love you, he would just smile and kiss me or something. But yesterday, he responded with "I love you too" That was incredible. it stopped me, my eyes welled up and i thought, wow! I was immediately reminded of when he first started saying I love you. Wuv ooo
and then he would take his hand and kiss it and gesture in my direction. Now its a reciprocal conversation. This child is a gift, from another place. I feel so lucky to have been chosen to care for him on this earth. To the Gods and Goddesses who made a portal in the universe for him to enter through, Thank You!

words

So, my son is talking alot more and we can understand most of what he says now, but there is still a list of things he says that I find adorable. Here it is:

machine- asime
instructions-gindrucshuns
winimade-lemonade


phrases:
No problem mommy, no problem
So what, Im still a rock star ( PINK)
but kids need to make noise when people are sleeping
but kids need to tease dogs
Just one, just one more tic tac, then one more
I love my family
This is the family call (eek eek eek- screaching sound)
I love the fall, the leaves fall down and then you can throw them up in the air
No i didnt doop, i didnt
its almost my birthday, i cant wait for the kids to come over
mommy I want to learn about Space- i want to make a rocketship
lets bake brownies
I wnt Piiiiiza and cake

my 3 yr old

Well my little boy is going to be three this wednesday. IT's unbeliveable that he has onl y been in my life for 3 years. He has brought me so much joy and challenged me to be a better person already and we still have a lifetime together. Sometimes, when I look at him I am simply overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for him. When he sleeps, the way he rests his head on his hands that are clasped together under his cheek. So angelic. It is no surprise to me that he came to be in my life and in my wife's life. We have already grown so much as a family with him in it. I dream of the days when he will be able to tell me something I didnt already know. Something unique to his perspective about life. I am curious about how he will see the world and what his opinion will be of things. I tell him everyday how much I love him. He tells me too. We have a delightful, loving and very sweet tender relationship..I think about myself at 80 years old, him at 40, holding hands, walking together in the woods, talking about life. Him talking about new discoveries, me talking about past experiences and the lessons I learned along the way. There will come a day when my son will find himself a companion and I will become the steady, foundation for him to jump from. It will be a difficult day for me, but I anticipate it with excitement and joy. This boy, this beautiful boy, what a gift.

The hole

There is a part of me that never feels whole. Even when I am totally happy, have everything I could ever imagine in a spouse, a child and friends, I still feel the space.
What is that? Where does it come from? REcently, I have discovered that there might be an underlying vibe of lack in my life. No matter what I have I still see the lack, or if I don't see it, people around me remind me of it. One small comment can send me spinning into a place of self judgement and emptiness. How can I get the people around me to change with me? To focus on the fullness of life, instead of the lack. In a way I think it contributes to my feelings of fraud and also leaves me with a feeling of not being authentic. I have tried very very hard to be an authentic person, saying what is truly going on, being honest and owning it. I don't feel like a fraud anymore, I feel like I live a life that I am fully representative of. I don't feel like I have 2 separate ways of living. I used to feel that way, but that was old stuff and I am not there anymore. But, I can't get out from under the judgement of others or their ability to pull me back into the space of lack rather than abundance. Will there ever be a time when I say, Look, look at all this amazing stuff we have in our lives, and the response will be Yeah! I see it, instead of yeah but.
As my life progresses emotionally, professionally I am stagnant. I am suffocating,the job is boring and the lifestyle is mundane. Get up , go to work, listen to other people complain, try to be positive, listen to other people try to slice me down to their level of discontent, try to be positive, leave work, come home, love on my son, say hello to my wife, wish her well in her studies, go to bed.
Today, not a good day. Just feeling a bit crappy, lonely, empty and defeated.

San Francisco, Pink and the beauty of love

So, last week I flew off to San Francisco, to see Micki and Annie and to go see PINK in concert.
Pink is one of my favorite artists, some might say I am obsessed, but I love her. I love her music, her lyrics, her physical expression of it all and I love how she is never willing to settle for less than what she wants. Admittedly, it would be VERY difficult to live with someone like that, but as an inspirational female, it works. I was so excited to be in san fran with my darling friends, meeting their nanny, lovin all over their son and dog and cats. I loved exploring San Fran, and San Jose, and all the touristy things. I also enjoyed just taking walks near the bay. There is no doubt that living there is very desirable. It is just a beautiful place to be. Sun, water, mountains, and most importantly, the promise of gay marriage and equal adoption rights (already legal there). I was thinking on my flight home, Hmmm I could live there. It would be nice. Of course, that takes into consideration that we would be mega rich, because it is so FREAKIN expensive! I mean, its just ridiculous! I have no idea how someone who works at Borders, can make it. They must have 5 roommates!

I spent a few days alone, just me and the city, and I have to say, I was lonely. It is always such an incredible thing to me, how you can be in a city with millions, and yet still feel very alone. I was missing my wife a lot. This trip was one that she should have been on. She is nuts about music and culture and new places and she LOVES SanFran. But she stayed home with our son, so I could jet off and live spontaneously. That to me is what love is. It is stepping aside for the one you love so they can manifest their dreams. However small or large the dream might be. Taking the second chair, or just allowing them to step first is the gift of love. In my lifetime, there have been so many situations where I had to race to the door so I could open it first before the person who "loved" me got there.
I think that Stephanie is the first person who loves me for all of me, all of my beautiful offerings, but also all of my faults. ALL of them. That is miraculous. She is someone I will never stop loving.
It was so amazing seeing Micki and Annie, I love them so much and I really missed them. As soon as I got there, it was like they just picked me up in Ferndale and we were going to Pontiac for a bar night. So normal, so confortable, so natural and so damn beautiful. I want those times to last longer than a few days. It is hard for me to be back in Michigan and have them out there. I was feelin pretty down yesterday and I think part of the reason was that I had to say goodbye again.

Overall, the past few days were something out of my 20 something years. Leave work, fly across the country to see a concert, hang out with friends, fly back, come to work. Am I having a midlife crisis???

grandma love

My son loves my mom. he calls her gugga. Gugga is one of the coolest people in his world. She tops me and steph for fun, she tops us for patience. She still cant top us for boo boos but that might be coming soon.
Gugga spent the night last night. WE spent the whole day together and then she went home for a few hours and then came back. When she was leaving o go home, he kept saying, Dont go Gug. Please dont go, just read me one more book, one more book, pleeeeeeease! Mom ended up staying an hour longer than she was expecting because she just couldn't say goodbye. Even though she was coming right back.
SO mom spent the night last night, we (steph and I) went to the Joan Jett concert at the Arts beats and eats festival and mom stayed here to watch my son. He conked out at 9pm, but when he woke up this morning at 645am, he immediately called to me, Mommy... Where is Gugga. When I told him she was downstairs, he said, lets go see.... He was SO excited to find her awake and waiting for him. Hi Gugga, did you have good dreams or bad dreams last night? Gugga did you sleep on the couch? How was your sleep? Lets go up in my room and play, lets read, I want to eat pancakes... he is just SOO happy to have her here with him when he wakes up. I can remember feeling that attached and conneced to my grandpa at times, he was my buddy.
My mom is a blessing, we already know that but she is a blessing to his life. She teaches him compassion, love, acceptance, patience, and kindness. She remembers to tell him how much she loves him. She will drive all the way back to our house if she leaves before he remembers to give her a hug. I think the love he has for her is a special love, one that is unmatched by anyone. I love to see someone else love my mom as much as I do.
I wonder what his future with my mom will be like. Will he call her when he has a life dilemma? Will he call her when someone breaks his heart? How will they walk through the years?
It will be interesting to witness. I feel so fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to see this from this perspective.

the joys of boys

Ok, so this is totally out of left field.
Yesterday my wife is changing my sons diaper, and he says, let me see my doop momma.
So she says, ok, he looks in his diaper and says, "it's Ginormous!" She responds, yes, it is.
Then he says It's a ginormous monster! to which she replies... Lol!!!!
later in the evening she is re-telling the story to me, and then he says, Mommy I think I dooped, can I see it this one is Ginormous too~! I bet it is, I bet it is...
I am cracking up and I say, uh, ok..?
so we change his diaper, it's not ginormous, and he says, I think the next one will be ginormous mommy.

What a riot!
This was not shared by anyone with Boys excpet fo rmy aunt pat, who had a stoyr about her son seeing his doop in the bath tub floating around and said, look mommy, boat!

Boys will be boys.

making new friends

We met some really nice people at our newly initiated parenting/tot group.
Lux liked all the kids, we were driving from the meeting spot to the lunch spot and we had a chance to talk in private. We said, so what did you think of the kids? he said, well they are a bit bossy, they are not like Javier. Then he said, yeah but they are gonna move away soon.

Awww so sad.
We were skyping with Javier the other day and he and my son were both putting their hands ont he screen to touch each other's faces. It was really hard to watch.

lately

So, recently my son has been blowing me away with his incredible skills.
For instance, the other day he said, "mommy, if we cant find all the pieces to the puzzle, we can just improvise!" Uh, what?
I just can't believe what come out of his mouth.
Also, yesterday, we were talking about the weather, I said, well summer is moving into fall, that's why it's a bit more chilly than usual. he said" Mommy, I love the fall, the leaves come down fromt he trees, and then you can pick them up and throw them in the air, and then you rake them up into the bags!" so I'm looking at him dumbfounded and realize that it's been a year since we did that! Then I say, "That's right baby, that's exactly what we do in the fall. Then he says, I know, mommy, I know.

The other night, I was laying in bed withhim, he was cuddling before falling asleep, he grabs my face to get as close as he could to his face and says, buddies, mommy, we're buddies. I said, Aww sweetheart, I love you, he says I love you too mommy, we're buddies, I loveyou mommy, then he starts kissing me on the face, he kisses my forehead, my lips, my cheeks, my earlobes, and my chin. then lays back on his back and sweetly drifts off to sleep.

You can't make this stuff up!
I was just covered in love at that moment. Amazing!

the result

Well the traveling went really well, he did fine he didnt start missing me until day 4 whcih is pretty darn good. 2 days after I got back, he had a meltdown, serious separation anxiety and that is to be expected. All in all the entire trip was fantastic. I got re-energized about Scentsy! and I am totally committed to making this business work!
I am focused on recruiting and building my team.

Scentsy is going to take us into next year with a lot of success, and a lot of happiness.

traveling

Well, in about a week I will be heading off to Salt lake city for 5 days to go to the Scentsy Convention.
I cant wait to see what Scentsy has for us and how this will help me build my business.
I am a bit worried about how my wife and son will do while I am gone, but I am sure they will have a great time.
I think it will be good for both of them to have several days without me around, so they can re ly on each other and grow together. Maybe they will be closer when I get back.

I am also starting a parenting group for my area. I am trying to find like minded people who are interested in making new friends and als having our kids connect. I hope some people start joining.

Maybe i am the only one who wants friends?

Awareness

There are a few things I know about myself and one of them is that I am a deeply feeling and loving person. It does not suprise me that my son is also very deeply feeling and loving but sometimes, it is shocking to me, the way he relates to me. The other day I was crying, about our friends leaving, and I was feeling really lonely and well, just really sad. He saw me crying and asked, "mommy, why are you crying?" Steph said, she is sad because Micki and Annie have moved away, and he looked at me and said, "Awww, dont worry mommy they will come back. You will be ok." Then he got a tissue and wiped my tears and my nose and said, "There you go" "it's ok". I know he is mimicking what we do for him, but in some way, it just felt so much more connected and aware than just mimicking. There have been times when he has imitated my behaviors and they are equally as surprising, but in a different way. I knew he was a special gift to us even before he was born, and as he grows I can just see his contributions to our lives and the lives of others. Wherever he goes, people say, he is so handsome, he is so special, he has such an advanced vocabulary for his age. I am getting more used to people approaching us, but at times, it is still startling that people are drawn to him. Sometimes, from across a crowded farmers market, people will just cross the sea of people to get to us, just to say hello to him. Some days I have anxiety about him disappearing or being kidnapped and I think about how firghtened he would be. I would like to allow him the opportunity to interact with people without feeling afraid that someone might take him. I am justnot that trusing of the world and all of it's what-ifs.

Empty

I have suddenly realized that our world has gotten very small. Our friends have moved away. One to Nepal,well, eventually to Santa Fe, and the others to San Francisco. It is a lonely place here in Royal Oak now. Many of the people we have been friends with over the years, have drifted, due to differences in philosophy. I understand, that happens. But, one thing i was not ready for is the sudden realization that it is really hard to make new friends in the same community you have been in for so long. I finally understand why my mom has so few friends. Once you have kids, you dont have a lot in common with a lot of people anymore. Plus you want to protect your kids from people you dont know and you dont have time to just sit and talk and get to know new people. I was thinking yesterday about what a luxury it was to be able to sit for hours and talk with new people. Discovering them, hearing about their lives, their families, they challenges. You cant really do that with a toddler, there is not an infinite amount of time to linger over wine and listen. I am finding this very challenging. I am not sure what kind of network we will build now that the friends we have in close proximity are gone. The short notice get togethers are no longer an option. We have friends in AnnArbor, but thats 45 minutes away. Theres not spontaneous ice cream runs there. I am feeling a nervousness I have not felt since high school. I used to get this way the night before the first day of school. The worry, the excitement and the nervousness of making new friends, seeing old friends and trying to put it all together. It feels awful. I like feeling like an adult, not a child. I like having a grown up life. I am not betting on any of them coming back. I know they will settle in nicely in their new homes and find a path that works for them. I know they will eventually think to themselves, This is home....It pains me to realize that I am at this place in my life. I feel really blindsided by it all. I never expected this at this stage of my life and here I am.

sayings

My son is saying some funny stuff these days, here are a few of them for the record books!

-who is stephanie-She is my daddy, she fixes things.

-How will baba walk without her cane? She can use a rake

-Why is water wet?

-I want my nuther mommy

-I want my nuther mommy with the bunch of moles!

-Don't worry mommy, it will be ok, I am here with you.

-What would you do if you got mommy's mole off of her face? I would play with it. LOL

-Excuse me mommy, i need to tell baba something.

- I needed you

- Come on Steph, lets go downstairs

-If I dont listen to you mommy I have to sit on the simmer down step.

-(mommy says) i dont have a penis honey, I have a vagina, ( little boy says) OOOOHHH yeah you do mommy, oh yeah you do!

being 2

Well, its kinda hard being 2, there are meltdowns, totaly joy, total anger, total hapiness and total exhaustion. I hope he appreciates being able to feel the full extent of every emotion when he is 13 and doesn't want to cry anymore about a girl or boy who broke his heart with a mean comment or a snide look. It's so amazing to me how mnay people stifle their kids, just because its inconvenient for them to hear the whole thing. My son has been having some MAJOR meltdowns, when he has them. They are getting more intense and more strategic, but not in a manipulative way. he is just trying to work an angle because he wants what he wants. Anyways, it is really hard to see him angry, and feel so out of control, but I am not sure what to do I have tried to offer him ways to cope, but they all fail. I think we need to start yoga. I amy try to get him intoa yoga routine soon, it's actually about time for that. So, maybe when he is 3 he will have better coping skills and life won't seem so damn unfair. It's gonna be a sad day when he realizes that he is not the only thing that matters to the entire world. He will always be one of the only things that matters to us, but its a harsh reality, the world just doesn't really care all that much.
Bitches!

Family Sucks

So my grandparents had their 70th wedding anniversary today. 70 years! we wanted to go to the party and celebrate. We got there, it was at their church, and the experience was awful. All of my uncles, aunts and cousins that live locally, were there. Many of them have met steph several times before. Except for my one cousin and her husband, who have kids and we get along very well with, nobody said hi to her or eve acknowledged her existence, except for staring at her and whispering. It sucked. Being at a church, which is totally judgmental of us and our lifestyle, then my uncles and their kids acting like idiots. What a bunch of bullsit. We have been together for 15years! Thats longer than most of my uncles have been married in all of their marriages.. They have been divorced, numerous times, they have been married to drug addicts and abusers and alcoholics and trophy wives, And yet, they are judging us ! the whole thing was just ridiculous and I felt realy angry, steph feels totally hurt and my son is oblivious, but will feel the sting, some day and will be asking us why? What is wrong with people!? I am 41 years old, I am a prductive and loving member of society,and stil there are people who think they can judge me and tell me what they think about how I am living. Or not even tell me what they think, but just be totaly fucking rude to my wife. I dont know what to do. I want to call everyone of them on their shit! i want to punch them in the face and just lose my mind! I feel so angry and betrayed and just so damn sick of this. Whats gonna happen at my grandparents' funerals. Steph loves them and will be sad when they die, she will be grieving. She does not deserve to be treated that way and I need to do something. But what?

lack of sleep does things to a person

So my little boy was up way to late.
I went to a scentsy meeting and didnt get home til 9pm. Steph is not the night mommy and it is hard for her to get him to bed. So I got the put him to bed. Well he only had a 45 minute nap today, so I am thinking, hmm shouldnt be too bad, thats usually a 4 second humming routine and hes out. No nap means excellent bed time.
Well, no, he had gotten to the, unreasonable, insane stage. I tried to get him to brush his teeth after he agreed that he would do it after he had "just one more snack" and he had already brushed them a few minutes ago. He hasnt been eating alot because he was sick,so we thought he was hungry. Didnt want him to go to be hungry like some poor child with no food. So we let him have a snack. Then I said, ok, we agreed that you would bruch your teeth, he zips his lips and says no I dont want to! I dont want to brush my teeth. Immediately at this point I realize, uh-oh hes beyond tired, this isnt gonna be pretty. 10 minutes of thrashing in y arms, kicking, screaming, and crying, turning blue and holding his breath, we finally et his teeth brushed. Then he is pissed, I mean PISSED. He realizes that I am holding him, and begins to cuddle in to me and then thinks, this B*tch just forced me to bruch my teeth ! and starts screaming and kicking me with all his might. I learned how to raise his legs up away from me so he can still kick but not kick me, ah ha! You didnt get me. Then he decides that he is NOT putting his head down on my shoulder, so he is exhausted, dozing off and his lower lip is poking out in a pout his head is bobbling like a dashboard statue and when I gently ease his head onto my shoulder, he immediately stiffens his body, starts crying and saying NO I dont want to put my head down, dont do that! So i just keep rocking him i my arms, and eventually he softens and places his head down on my shoulder. Ahhhhhh delightful peaceful sleep has arrived and removed the demons of sleep deprivation from my sons body. It is soo hard to hold it together sometimes, but it is also very funny to see him so determined. I kept saying, I know you are angry, and you can be angry but you cannot hit or kick mommy. I will still love you when you are angry at me, because there will be times when you think I dont love you because you got mad at me, but I will love, I love you now and I will always love, I especially love you when you feel safe enough with me to express yourself.
I ended up feeling really happy for him that he go to go through the entire experience without me redirecting him to a result that I wanted.

Poor little boy, what a sweet tired little boy.

ups n downs

This weekend was a plethora of ups and downs
Up- Went to an early b-day party for my dear friend Annie. Had great conversation, fabulous food and a blast at the karaoke bar. Royal Kubo is SMOKE FREE!!
Down- baby and wife were sick, wife stayed home. I am not that used to being single.
Up- weather was gorgeous on saturday and had a lot of things planned
Down- baby was very feverish, stuck to me like a infant monkey and i got nothing done, besides nurturing.
Up- Baby looked into my wife eyes as she was holding him just after he vomitted all over the chair, the floor, the carpet and he said "I love you daddy" puffed a little puff of puke breath in her face and then drifted off to sleep. But we both cried and thought it was the most beautiful thing we had ever experienced!
Down- Baby vomitted all over the chair, carpet, floor
Up- Reconnected with my wife in a way I have not been able to in many years.
Down- got little sleep and woke up tired.
The ups and downs of life are so important to the overall makeup of what you see as important. My son is growing incredible fast. We linger on the thoughts of what he was like when he was "little" like he 18, but he's only 2 1/2.
Life is capturing him and carrying him away already. Amnazing to watch but also very lonely and empty feeling as he begins to turn away and explore outwardly.

Mothers day

Happy Mothers Day
This year I am vividly aware of what it is to be a mother. I was in a daze the first year, the second year is much more intense. It is a magical experience, but there are bumps. There are sleepless nights and there are frustrations. When you give up your Individualness ( I know its not a word!) to be a mother, you are not really ready for it Even when you think you are ready for it, you are not. it's like a newly bottled wine, it needs time to age and to ferment and grow in order to really be the motherhood you were ready for. Overall, I have enjoyed these past two and a half years of mothering my son. I have so many tiny little things that are written on post its in my mind. So many "firsts" and so many more to come. I realized this year, that my mom was an excellent mother and still is. She was always, and I mean always, compassionate, loving and patient with me My whole life! I am in awe of the patience she had and has. She is remarkable When I was a young child, I would foolishly worry that my mom was sad, or that she was sick or worried. Then as I grew into a teenager I thought my mom was dumb, dressed like a dork and didnt have any idea what the world was about! Then in my 20's and 30's she was frustrating at times, but mostly, the best friend I have every known. I can relyon on her for anything! We never get into fights, we never have any estrangement between us and she is always the one I can call when there is nobody else. She will show up. She always shows up. I have realized that 99% of everything I know about being a mom, came from her and it was not in a book,or a video or a story. It was on a cellular level, from experiencing her total devotion and love I have learned how to love.

My mom is the most precious gift I have ever received, She would say that about me too. I think that is why it works so well, because of the love and respect we have for each other and the gratitude that we have for each other.


The second most precious gift is between my wife and my son, but for different reasons. They are both amazing gifts to me. I know some day she will be gone. I already feel so alone, just thinking about what my life will be like without her. She was the first face I saw when I came into this world and I imagine I will be the last face she sees before she goes. In some odd way, I feel like a part of me will cease to exist when my mom is gone.

sister love

Yesterday my son spent the day with his sister from canada E. E. and her mommy came to our house for the day and they had such a sweet time. My son is always reluctant when he sees new people, and since he has not seen them since October, that qualifies as new people. So I was totally expecting to have to ease him into his time with them. Well, I think he knows on some biological level that they share something special. He was not shy at all, he immediately came right over to her and started playing. this is very unusual for him. He usually checks things out for at least 5 minutes before diving in. Then he was hugging her and holding her and hey were giggling into each others eyes. We went for a walk, they held hands, ran together, jumped together, hoped together, laughed together and just had a grand old time! It was truly tear jerking to watch, they were soooo adorable. They ate together, argued about the flavor of E's drink, He said it was Strawberry, she said it was blackberry, It was blackberry but it was the color of strawberry, so technically they were both right! She bossed him around, he obeyed, most of the time and when he didn't she cried. Typical sibling stuff but with the added softness and sticky sweetness of not being live in siblings, so there was very little fighting. They chatted about toddler things, they ate strawberry ice cream together, they talked about their lives. I have this toy, I don't have that toy. They said thank you and you're welcome, they exchanged presents, and had a blast playing together. Together, they actually played together. When it was time for them to go my son said, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go, I will miss you. All 3 mommies had teary eyes. it was very touching. I have discovered that my son, really does understand who E is even though he does not live with her. He knows she is someone special. He knows she has a special place in his life. We joke that when they are a bit older, they will be calling and texting and chatting up the phone bill.

When he was still in the belly, we used to hope for a day when he could know his donor, his half siblings and maybe just know who they were and if we were lucky, he would get to meet his donor. I never imagined that we would have this delightful relationship with his sister and her mommy, who we will need to call something more endearing, like auntie or tia or cha chi. something more meaningful than just E's mommy. She is very dear to us, we are all on the same page and we want our kids to have a relationship. its magical to watch and to be a part of.

My son dreamt of the evening, at one point, he was talking in his sleep and said, thank you, thank you thank you. Awwww so precious.

LOVE this kid!

So last night we had a breakthrough.
My son says to me, Mommy come here
Come into my "table office"

So I climb under the dining room table and he proceeds to tell me that this is his office, this is where he goes to work and then he gets the money and he can get paper, crayons, bananas and strawberries.
I looked at him in disbelief, and I was thinking in my head, WOW this IS working.
It does pay to explain rather than force!
So, we caht for a minute and then he says, da dee come into my office too.
So she climbs under the table too, so here we are the three of us, crammed under the dining room table just as happy as
can be watching our son "tend" (pretend) he is a working part of the family.

So he finally decides that we can leave his office and he goesover to his play kitchen and starts cooking dinner and tells us that he got home from work and is now cooking dinner.
So he brings all the food over one item at a time and says, here , its pizza its your favorite! ( which is what we tell him)
Then he says, heres some toast with peanut butter and jelly, and I say, I dont like peanut butter, andhe says well you like it sometimes, you like it. ( thats what we say to him)
My wife looks at me and says, he has progressed to a different stage of play.
I say yep, and just like that, he has moved on to the next stage of play.
AMAZING!

Last night I told him a story about a little boy who had magical powers who could see love in peoples hearts, and who could tell when his mommy misse dhim just byb looking at him. Then I told him that the little boy would give his mommy a toy to take with her to work so she wouldnt be lonely while she was away from him.

This morning he was crying and carrying on about me leaving No mommy, dont go, I dont want you to go, please dont go,. I want you to stay here, I dont want to see gigi's and so on. Then all of a sudden his face changes and he says, ok Mommy I WILL let you goto work. I will go get you a toy so you can keep it with you at work. So goes downstairs and grabs me a wind up caterpillar and says, here mommy hers a "padapula" put it in your pocket. I didnt have pockets becuz I was still in my jammies and he notices right away and says, OH you donthave pockets! and gets this look of distress. I said No worries, I have pockets on the clothes I am wearing to work.
he smiles and says OK I want to make my shake now! and runs in the kitchen to "help" steph make his breakfast protein shake.

I stand there in amazement as i get to walk up the stairs without sneaking or hearing him scream!
Today is a Gift of a day

Life Part 2

Mom hurt her knee and cannot stand on her leg.
She is goign to have to have knee replacement surgery, its been a long time coming and she no longer has the luxury of just being able to push it off and pop pills to get through the day. She is at the end point. This sucks for her, for us and for our son. We will need to get a new baby care person, or adjust our schedules in order to accommodate the fact that she can't watch him anymore. This is not awful, but withthe separation anxiety thing going on, its just bad timing. In addition to that, she will be in a lot of pain and having to go through lots of physical therapy after the surgery and who will take care of her after the surgery? I have a very volatile situation at work and can't really just take time off this time, to take care of her, it's not a good idea. So now what? Well, for now, we are just waiting to see what the ortho surgeon will say, when she gets in to see them. And then we will go from there.
Remember when I said I'd rather havea bunch of little things go wrong, instead of a big thing? Hmmmm , i might be changing my mind about that!

Life part 1

So much going on.
After the brain tumor scare, things were settling down, but now we are dealing with separation anxiety. This is just awful.
Our son does not want either of us to leave, EVER. for Any reason. Every morning when I leave for work, I leave in my wake, a little guy with snots running down his nose,a red face, screaming and crying MOMMY DONT LEAVE ME!! What the Heck? Who ever said motherhood was rewarding? Well I think I did at one point, but I think it was when he was first born and just took those little baby breaths and made those squeaky baby noises to let me know he was here and he was depending on me, it was so cute. So I thought, now I just wish he would be able to understand that I will be back. he doesn't, there is no reasoning with him and there is no way to soothe him. I have tried many many things, and just end up having to leave. With the crying toddler in the background. I feel like I am in a movie, me walking down the path from the house, with stress and worry in my eyes, but walking briskly, in the background , our home, Front door open and a little boy standing there sobbing, reaching, pressing his face against the glass and total chaos going on around him. What a nightmare!

Prayer works!

You will all be amazed and delighted to hear that she DOES NOT, I repeat DOES NOT have another tumor.  The radiologist did not have her previous films and so he determined that she did have a  tumor.  We saw the neurosurgeon today totally expecting to hear that we would need to go through the surgery, so  he comes in and says, " you films look great!"  We are stunned and say, uh, WHAT?  Then he shows us the two films side by side, one from 2003 and one from 2 weeks ago.  So they both look the same, there is no change.  The area that the radiologist was looking at was residual tissue from the previous tumor but since it have not changed in 6 years, he said, not to worry, nothing is wrong!  We jumped for joy, kissed, hugged and could not contain our excitement! then we went to eat breakfast!  This has been a crazy few days, but it is amazing how many people love us and how many people were praying for us!  We had Jesus Buddha and Krishna on our side! Thank you to all of you, we are planning a party, Life is so vivid again.  Yesterday everything was muted, and heavy and dragging and today the air is clean, the colors are bright and our future is promising!

Gratitude is the most important thing I can give to all of you! We love you!!!

Tsunami

There is a time in all of our lives when we realize that no matter how good we have been to others, how loving, how giving, some things are just going to happen and there is no explanation.
My wife has a brain tumor. It IS operable, it is on her pituitary and it is the same one she had 10 years ago.
Life was very different for us then, things seem so much more serious now. Maybe its because we have child, or because we are together 15 years this July, or that we are just so intertwined. I don't know, but, it is not something we re taking lightly. When we went through this the first time, we knew there was a chance that she could get it again. after 10yrs! she has it again, we thought she was clean. This tumor is called a non-producing pituitary adenoma ( look it up if you want more info) basically it just sits there on your pit gland and starts screwing everything up, kinda like the bratty kid at school who would just come over and knock your popsicle house over, just to see it fall. Well this bratty kid is really a pain the ass. We are seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday to discuss options, we already know the drill, but are hoping she can take the non-invasive way this time, due to size and location of the tumor. We'll see.

I think in our lifetime we have been very lucky, we have not had to deal with much, but then I wonder, if we had had to deal with little things, would we ever be hit with BIG things? Maybe we get the BIG things becuz we are strong and can handle it better than others and its just that random. Maybe its just that random. it feels random

Spring Fever

My son is SOOOOOOOOOO happy that spring is here, he is running around outside, playing with bubbles, going to the park, pushing his truck outside, trying to ride a tricycle. All the while his mommy is thinking, how can I keep this kid safe? Anyone could take him, he is so cute and .....i need to get a DNS kit and his fingerprints, do we have any recent pics, blah blah blah.
I cannot stand being haunted by what ifs, I feel like every time I think that, I am chipping a hole in my resolve to keep him safe and letting a bit of fear acid in. I just need to remember that lots and lots of kids make it all the way through their lives and NEVER get kidnapped. I remember being age 12 and suddenly being afraid of being raped. I have no idea why. And It took me until I was almost 28 to let that fear go.. My boss who is a dear friend to me said, once you are a parent, you are never not a parent anymore. You will always worry, you will always be trying to think a half step ahead of them and you will survive, we all do, its just what its like when you are a parent.

dentist

So my son has 5 cavities! and we believe it is mostly because of the fact that he slept for 2 years with a trickling of breast milk constantly pressing on his teeth and gums. Also, his diet sucks. and he eats sweets and drinks a lot of Juice. And he would not agree to tooth brushing. Well all of that has changed. We have to get his teeth fixed, he has to have 2 rot canals and 3 fillings and he has to go through IV sedation in a hospital in order to do it. Well, we want him to. We took him to an "urgent" visit on saturday thinking he was having all this work done. But I didnt like the doctor, steph didnt likethe doctor and the doctor would not let us be in the room with him while they were working on him. So, we said, thanks very much, we'll take a referral and left. Then my son ate an entire plate of pancakes and a bowl of fresh strawberries and blueberries since we had to starve him all morning in preparation for the procedure that never happened. We will be seeing the hospital dentist next, we'll see what happens.

My son is obsessed with my moles, I have one on my face just under my chin, it sticks out a little and yeah, I suppose it can be a bit interesting. But, he has to touch it to fall asleep, in the middle of the night, if he wakes up he will have his eyes closed and be searching with his hand for my mole! Hahahahaha Stephanie and I find this Hilarious! My mom says I can never have it removed because he will miss it. What a riot!

Singing, hugging and playing

Its been awhile since I have updated here. Well as usual my son is amazing me.
About a week ago, he told me that he loved me and that when I was old he would take care of me.
He placed his tiny little hands on each cheeks and said mommy "feel better mommy, when youa re old, I will take care of you mommy". Sometimes I have this feeling that he is a very old soul who has been here many times.
Also, we were hugging him and he was sitting wiht us on the couch, all of the sudden he says, daddy is my mommy and mommy is my mommy. You are my two mommies!We just looked at each other and looked at him and said, That's right!
I have no idea how he figured out that two mommies had to be plural!

This child is growing so fast, his language and sentence skills are amazing.
he knows his ABC's, sort of.
He can count to 10
and he know 6 colors and 5 shapes.
He also has begun singing, singing, singing which I think it soooo cool because he is feeling so safe and not judged that he will just belt out a song! Like tonight, he was singing, knife, knife, kniiiiiiife! I dont know why he was singing about a knife, but I sang with him. Then he started singing his list of songs. Abc's, itsy bitsy spider, twinkle twinkle, pat a cake, which is not really a song, but its ok. And happy birthday Luna. She was 5 yesterday and we sang to her. I think Luna might be one of his best friends! he is realy loving her these days, she will play with him when he throws a toy and then she will ruuuunnnn and he will chase her.
its nice to see a little boy enjoy his dogs.

foo-di-bull

So I have been sick with the flu since monday night, I have not gone to work, taken a shower or eaten much of anything. I did go to the doctor and found out that I have lost 4 pounds! But that's not the real story here. I woke up this morning, my son was in the other room, he saw me sit up in bed and said mommy, you feel better? I said no, not yet, but I will soon, he said, oh you will feel better soon mommy and began patting my back and hugging me. I felt a wave of love wash over me as I felt his little hands trying to comfort the ickys away. It was amazing. This little guy is just over two but he has such a compassionate heart. He is so loving and kind. In difficult times, his kindness and compassion prevails. Maybe I am the only one, but I am amazed by this. I just didn't realize that a child that small would be able to compute all of the emotional intelligence it takes to have compassion for someone. Maybe it doesn't take that much. True, I am not "just someone" but I dont see this behavior in my nephew's kids, or friends kids. Anyhow, so I carry him downstairs, we go in the kitchen, he looks at me and says, "mommy. can I fix your hair?" I say sure, knowing that my hair do right now looks Like a homeless person. Smashed down on one side, nicely greasy on the other. He twiddles his fingers in my hair, puffs it up here and presses it down there and then he says, " There... You wook fooo-di-bull(beautiful). I didn't even know he knew that word! I immediately melt into a puddle on the floor. He has no idea at that moment that he could have had anything he wanted! He just smiled and I said, well thank you sweetie, You are so special, I love you. He said, i love you too mommy, can we go downstairs and watch a show?

Recently

My sons vocabulary has exploded.
There are some funny things that he is saying, some darling things and some heart melting things.
das my paybwit (thats my favorite) This would be applied to anything that he really really wants, mostly food.
When he eats chinese food, he will say that before every bite. EVERY bite. So after about 10 bites, it is just so funny that I begin to laugh, and try not to show it. Last night I was laughing and I think he noticed, and then he stopped eating and refused to continue. I felt like a crappy mom at that point. I was just finding his consistent pattern of saying it was his favorite before every bite a little more entertaining than I should have I suppose.
Then I got to thinking, its actually so authentic to say what he says. He just says exactly what it is that he is feeling, no editing. It's kinda nice to see that freedom of speech. In adddition to thats my favorite, he is saying things like, mommy i love you, and then hugs me. Sometimes he will just come up to both of us and want a group hug. Last night he wanted us to both hold him and hug him and then we were both kissing his cheeks, he was between us, and he had a huge smile on his face. It was so beautiful, We were the perfect family. I did not want that moment to end. I just wanted to freeze it in time and be there, forever. I know that someday he will be indifferent to me, someday he will be angry with me, someday he will be too busy to come over. But for right now, he is here with us, wanting every moment to be filled with us. So for now, we are making that happen. He is the center of our universe, as he grows he will, most likely not want to be there, and we will want to keep him there. Also, he is saying something else that just cme out of nowhere. One night a few nigths ago he woke at about 3am, he wanted me to take him downstairs on the rocking chair and I just didnt want to get out of bed, I had a nice warm imprint of my body on the mattress and just did not want to leave it. So I told him I was not going downstairs, that it was nighttime and that he should go back to sleep. He pitched quite a fit, but I did not give in. Well in the middle of his protest, he says, mommy I want to go downstairs and watch go diego go, thats a good idea! So when he says that, I was soo surprised I started lauging, but didnt want to show it, so I bit my lip, and was shuddering with laughter in the bed. it was VERY funny and cute. He is very creative in the way that he conveys what he wants to have happen. If the whining, crying and complaining does not work, he switches to reasoning. It is quite miraculous, and it gives me hope that someday the whining and the crying will not be the first choice. I hope.

Red Kid

So we went to this toddler group in our local area and it was a lot of fun. There was one incident that I need to record because I was really impressed.
My son and a few other kids were playing when one of the kids decided to hit my son and knock him down over in response to my son trying to get the stuffed turtle from the other kid's clutches. So the little boy hit him and then pushed him down. I learned all fo this later, after my son collapsed into a pile on the floor while doing his rendition of scarlet o'hara when Ret is leaving Tara. He's a bit dramatic at times....
Anyhow, I run over pick him up and say, what happened? he starts babbling through the tears and pink drool ( yes his lip was cut). The braeal jfoenms jhfhlw hit me and ueshed me. Eventually when he settled down he says, "The Red Kid hit me and pushed me down". I look over and see the red kid's mommy, who I know very well, scolding him, " Go give him the turtle and say you are sorry or you will have a time out" What would you like to do?
I realize that my son, didnt knowthis little boy's name so the only thing he could figure to do is describe him, as The red kid ( he was wearing a red shirt).
I was very impressed by this. Wow, I was thinking, Thisis amazing he knew he needed to tellme who did it, he knew he didnt know this little boys name, but he figured out that he could describe what he was wearing and that would reveal who it was.
Wow!

Hole Punch

The other day, my son woke up and notice a single hole puncher on the dining room table.
Immediately he scurried over to the table, climbed up on the chair at record speed and said, what is that?
I told, oh, this is a cool device that can punch holes in paper. So he began to try to squeeze the handle together in hopes of seeing how it punches holes.
His little hands were a bit weak at forsst, but after 2 trys he was able to squeeze it all the way down.
Then I showed him how it worked, we slide the paper here and then squeeze.
When I punched the hole in the paper and showed him what happened, he looked at me like I had just discovered the photosynthesis equation for how to grow money on trees! It was just sooooo totally amazed. I could see his mind working! Like, Whoa, how the heck did that happen, and why didnt they tell me this before!?
Then I showed him where the left over holes go, he opened the chamber and all the little white dots fell into a clump on the table.
He look at the pile, grabs it and throws it in the air, and shouts, its SNOWING!
I just loooked at him like, how did you know that?

Why I adore my 2 year old child.

Sometimes I find myself in awe of the miraculous things he is doing.
I feel like I am part of this huge secret society that only parents and close family members are a part of.
We all know all the amazing things our child does, and we all know how miraculous, but unless you birng it up to someone who knows, nobody talks about it.
There are so many times when I jus think, wow! There are just no words to accurately express what just happened.