Sunday, May 31, 2009
Family Sucks
So my grandparents had their 70th wedding anniversary today. 70 years! we wanted to go to the party and celebrate. We got there, it was at their church, and the experience was awful. All of my uncles, aunts and cousins that live locally, were there. Many of them have met steph several times before. Except for my one cousin and her husband, who have kids and we get along very well with, nobody said hi to her or eve acknowledged her existence, except for staring at her and whispering. It sucked. Being at a church, which is totally judgmental of us and our lifestyle, then my uncles and their kids acting like idiots. What a bunch of bullsit. We have been together for 15years! Thats longer than most of my uncles have been married in all of their marriages.. They have been divorced, numerous times, they have been married to drug addicts and abusers and alcoholics and trophy wives, And yet, they are judging us ! the whole thing was just ridiculous and I felt realy angry, steph feels totally hurt and my son is oblivious, but will feel the sting, some day and will be asking us why? What is wrong with people!? I am 41 years old, I am a prductive and loving member of society,and stil there are people who think they can judge me and tell me what they think about how I am living. Or not even tell me what they think, but just be totaly fucking rude to my wife. I dont know what to do. I want to call everyone of them on their shit! i want to punch them in the face and just lose my mind! I feel so angry and betrayed and just so damn sick of this. Whats gonna happen at my grandparents' funerals. Steph loves them and will be sad when they die, she will be grieving. She does not deserve to be treated that way and I need to do something. But what?
Monday, May 18, 2009
lack of sleep does things to a person
So my little boy was up way to late.
I went to a scentsy meeting and didnt get home til 9pm. Steph is not the night mommy and it is hard for her to get him to bed. So I got the put him to bed. Well he only had a 45 minute nap today, so I am thinking, hmm shouldnt be too bad, thats usually a 4 second humming routine and hes out. No nap means excellent bed time.
Well, no, he had gotten to the, unreasonable, insane stage. I tried to get him to brush his teeth after he agreed that he would do it after he had "just one more snack" and he had already brushed them a few minutes ago. He hasnt been eating alot because he was sick,so we thought he was hungry. Didnt want him to go to be hungry like some poor child with no food. So we let him have a snack. Then I said, ok, we agreed that you would bruch your teeth, he zips his lips and says no I dont want to! I dont want to brush my teeth. Immediately at this point I realize, uh-oh hes beyond tired, this isnt gonna be pretty. 10 minutes of thrashing in y arms, kicking, screaming, and crying, turning blue and holding his breath, we finally et his teeth brushed. Then he is pissed, I mean PISSED. He realizes that I am holding him, and begins to cuddle in to me and then thinks, this B*tch just forced me to bruch my teeth ! and starts screaming and kicking me with all his might. I learned how to raise his legs up away from me so he can still kick but not kick me, ah ha! You didnt get me. Then he decides that he is NOT putting his head down on my shoulder, so he is exhausted, dozing off and his lower lip is poking out in a pout his head is bobbling like a dashboard statue and when I gently ease his head onto my shoulder, he immediately stiffens his body, starts crying and saying NO I dont want to put my head down, dont do that! So i just keep rocking him i my arms, and eventually he softens and places his head down on my shoulder. Ahhhhhh delightful peaceful sleep has arrived and removed the demons of sleep deprivation from my sons body. It is soo hard to hold it together sometimes, but it is also very funny to see him so determined. I kept saying, I know you are angry, and you can be angry but you cannot hit or kick mommy. I will still love you when you are angry at me, because there will be times when you think I dont love you because you got mad at me, but I will love, I love you now and I will always love, I especially love you when you feel safe enough with me to express yourself.
I ended up feeling really happy for him that he go to go through the entire experience without me redirecting him to a result that I wanted.
Poor little boy, what a sweet tired little boy.
I went to a scentsy meeting and didnt get home til 9pm. Steph is not the night mommy and it is hard for her to get him to bed. So I got the put him to bed. Well he only had a 45 minute nap today, so I am thinking, hmm shouldnt be too bad, thats usually a 4 second humming routine and hes out. No nap means excellent bed time.
Well, no, he had gotten to the, unreasonable, insane stage. I tried to get him to brush his teeth after he agreed that he would do it after he had "just one more snack" and he had already brushed them a few minutes ago. He hasnt been eating alot because he was sick,so we thought he was hungry. Didnt want him to go to be hungry like some poor child with no food. So we let him have a snack. Then I said, ok, we agreed that you would bruch your teeth, he zips his lips and says no I dont want to! I dont want to brush my teeth. Immediately at this point I realize, uh-oh hes beyond tired, this isnt gonna be pretty. 10 minutes of thrashing in y arms, kicking, screaming, and crying, turning blue and holding his breath, we finally et his teeth brushed. Then he is pissed, I mean PISSED. He realizes that I am holding him, and begins to cuddle in to me and then thinks, this B*tch just forced me to bruch my teeth ! and starts screaming and kicking me with all his might. I learned how to raise his legs up away from me so he can still kick but not kick me, ah ha! You didnt get me. Then he decides that he is NOT putting his head down on my shoulder, so he is exhausted, dozing off and his lower lip is poking out in a pout his head is bobbling like a dashboard statue and when I gently ease his head onto my shoulder, he immediately stiffens his body, starts crying and saying NO I dont want to put my head down, dont do that! So i just keep rocking him i my arms, and eventually he softens and places his head down on my shoulder. Ahhhhhh delightful peaceful sleep has arrived and removed the demons of sleep deprivation from my sons body. It is soo hard to hold it together sometimes, but it is also very funny to see him so determined. I kept saying, I know you are angry, and you can be angry but you cannot hit or kick mommy. I will still love you when you are angry at me, because there will be times when you think I dont love you because you got mad at me, but I will love, I love you now and I will always love, I especially love you when you feel safe enough with me to express yourself.
I ended up feeling really happy for him that he go to go through the entire experience without me redirecting him to a result that I wanted.
Poor little boy, what a sweet tired little boy.
ups n downs
This weekend was a plethora of ups and downs
Up- Went to an early b-day party for my dear friend Annie. Had great conversation, fabulous food and a blast at the karaoke bar. Royal Kubo is SMOKE FREE!!
Down- baby and wife were sick, wife stayed home. I am not that used to being single.
Up- weather was gorgeous on saturday and had a lot of things planned
Down- baby was very feverish, stuck to me like a infant monkey and i got nothing done, besides nurturing.
Up- Baby looked into my wife eyes as she was holding him just after he vomitted all over the chair, the floor, the carpet and he said "I love you daddy" puffed a little puff of puke breath in her face and then drifted off to sleep. But we both cried and thought it was the most beautiful thing we had ever experienced!
Down- Baby vomitted all over the chair, carpet, floor
Up- Reconnected with my wife in a way I have not been able to in many years.
Down- got little sleep and woke up tired.
The ups and downs of life are so important to the overall makeup of what you see as important. My son is growing incredible fast. We linger on the thoughts of what he was like when he was "little" like he 18, but he's only 2 1/2.
Life is capturing him and carrying him away already. Amnazing to watch but also very lonely and empty feeling as he begins to turn away and explore outwardly.
Up- Went to an early b-day party for my dear friend Annie. Had great conversation, fabulous food and a blast at the karaoke bar. Royal Kubo is SMOKE FREE!!
Down- baby and wife were sick, wife stayed home. I am not that used to being single.
Up- weather was gorgeous on saturday and had a lot of things planned
Down- baby was very feverish, stuck to me like a infant monkey and i got nothing done, besides nurturing.
Up- Baby looked into my wife eyes as she was holding him just after he vomitted all over the chair, the floor, the carpet and he said "I love you daddy" puffed a little puff of puke breath in her face and then drifted off to sleep. But we both cried and thought it was the most beautiful thing we had ever experienced!
Down- Baby vomitted all over the chair, carpet, floor
Up- Reconnected with my wife in a way I have not been able to in many years.
Down- got little sleep and woke up tired.
The ups and downs of life are so important to the overall makeup of what you see as important. My son is growing incredible fast. We linger on the thoughts of what he was like when he was "little" like he 18, but he's only 2 1/2.
Life is capturing him and carrying him away already. Amnazing to watch but also very lonely and empty feeling as he begins to turn away and explore outwardly.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Mothers day
Happy Mothers Day
This year I am vividly aware of what it is to be a mother. I was in a daze the first year, the second year is much more intense. It is a magical experience, but there are bumps. There are sleepless nights and there are frustrations. When you give up your Individualness ( I know its not a word!) to be a mother, you are not really ready for it Even when you think you are ready for it, you are not. it's like a newly bottled wine, it needs time to age and to ferment and grow in order to really be the motherhood you were ready for. Overall, I have enjoyed these past two and a half years of mothering my son. I have so many tiny little things that are written on post its in my mind. So many "firsts" and so many more to come. I realized this year, that my mom was an excellent mother and still is. She was always, and I mean always, compassionate, loving and patient with me My whole life! I am in awe of the patience she had and has. She is remarkable When I was a young child, I would foolishly worry that my mom was sad, or that she was sick or worried. Then as I grew into a teenager I thought my mom was dumb, dressed like a dork and didnt have any idea what the world was about! Then in my 20's and 30's she was frustrating at times, but mostly, the best friend I have every known. I can relyon on her for anything! We never get into fights, we never have any estrangement between us and she is always the one I can call when there is nobody else. She will show up. She always shows up. I have realized that 99% of everything I know about being a mom, came from her and it was not in a book,or a video or a story. It was on a cellular level, from experiencing her total devotion and love I have learned how to love.
My mom is the most precious gift I have ever received, She would say that about me too. I think that is why it works so well, because of the love and respect we have for each other and the gratitude that we have for each other.
The second most precious gift is between my wife and my son, but for different reasons. They are both amazing gifts to me. I know some day she will be gone. I already feel so alone, just thinking about what my life will be like without her. She was the first face I saw when I came into this world and I imagine I will be the last face she sees before she goes. In some odd way, I feel like a part of me will cease to exist when my mom is gone.
This year I am vividly aware of what it is to be a mother. I was in a daze the first year, the second year is much more intense. It is a magical experience, but there are bumps. There are sleepless nights and there are frustrations. When you give up your Individualness ( I know its not a word!) to be a mother, you are not really ready for it Even when you think you are ready for it, you are not. it's like a newly bottled wine, it needs time to age and to ferment and grow in order to really be the motherhood you were ready for. Overall, I have enjoyed these past two and a half years of mothering my son. I have so many tiny little things that are written on post its in my mind. So many "firsts" and so many more to come. I realized this year, that my mom was an excellent mother and still is. She was always, and I mean always, compassionate, loving and patient with me My whole life! I am in awe of the patience she had and has. She is remarkable When I was a young child, I would foolishly worry that my mom was sad, or that she was sick or worried. Then as I grew into a teenager I thought my mom was dumb, dressed like a dork and didnt have any idea what the world was about! Then in my 20's and 30's she was frustrating at times, but mostly, the best friend I have every known. I can relyon on her for anything! We never get into fights, we never have any estrangement between us and she is always the one I can call when there is nobody else. She will show up. She always shows up. I have realized that 99% of everything I know about being a mom, came from her and it was not in a book,or a video or a story. It was on a cellular level, from experiencing her total devotion and love I have learned how to love.
My mom is the most precious gift I have ever received, She would say that about me too. I think that is why it works so well, because of the love and respect we have for each other and the gratitude that we have for each other.
The second most precious gift is between my wife and my son, but for different reasons. They are both amazing gifts to me. I know some day she will be gone. I already feel so alone, just thinking about what my life will be like without her. She was the first face I saw when I came into this world and I imagine I will be the last face she sees before she goes. In some odd way, I feel like a part of me will cease to exist when my mom is gone.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
sister love
Yesterday my son spent the day with his sister from canada E. E. and her mommy came to our house for the day and they had such a sweet time. My son is always reluctant when he sees new people, and since he has not seen them since October, that qualifies as new people. So I was totally expecting to have to ease him into his time with them. Well, I think he knows on some biological level that they share something special. He was not shy at all, he immediately came right over to her and started playing. this is very unusual for him. He usually checks things out for at least 5 minutes before diving in. Then he was hugging her and holding her and hey were giggling into each others eyes. We went for a walk, they held hands, ran together, jumped together, hoped together, laughed together and just had a grand old time! It was truly tear jerking to watch, they were soooo adorable. They ate together, argued about the flavor of E's drink, He said it was Strawberry, she said it was blackberry, It was blackberry but it was the color of strawberry, so technically they were both right! She bossed him around, he obeyed, most of the time and when he didn't she cried. Typical sibling stuff but with the added softness and sticky sweetness of not being live in siblings, so there was very little fighting. They chatted about toddler things, they ate strawberry ice cream together, they talked about their lives. I have this toy, I don't have that toy. They said thank you and you're welcome, they exchanged presents, and had a blast playing together. Together, they actually played together. When it was time for them to go my son said, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go, I will miss you. All 3 mommies had teary eyes. it was very touching. I have discovered that my son, really does understand who E is even though he does not live with her. He knows she is someone special. He knows she has a special place in his life. We joke that when they are a bit older, they will be calling and texting and chatting up the phone bill.
When he was still in the belly, we used to hope for a day when he could know his donor, his half siblings and maybe just know who they were and if we were lucky, he would get to meet his donor. I never imagined that we would have this delightful relationship with his sister and her mommy, who we will need to call something more endearing, like auntie or tia or cha chi. something more meaningful than just E's mommy. She is very dear to us, we are all on the same page and we want our kids to have a relationship. its magical to watch and to be a part of.
My son dreamt of the evening, at one point, he was talking in his sleep and said, thank you, thank you thank you. Awwww so precious.
When he was still in the belly, we used to hope for a day when he could know his donor, his half siblings and maybe just know who they were and if we were lucky, he would get to meet his donor. I never imagined that we would have this delightful relationship with his sister and her mommy, who we will need to call something more endearing, like auntie or tia or cha chi. something more meaningful than just E's mommy. She is very dear to us, we are all on the same page and we want our kids to have a relationship. its magical to watch and to be a part of.
My son dreamt of the evening, at one point, he was talking in his sleep and said, thank you, thank you thank you. Awwww so precious.
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