Awareness

There are a few things I know about myself and one of them is that I am a deeply feeling and loving person. It does not suprise me that my son is also very deeply feeling and loving but sometimes, it is shocking to me, the way he relates to me. The other day I was crying, about our friends leaving, and I was feeling really lonely and well, just really sad. He saw me crying and asked, "mommy, why are you crying?" Steph said, she is sad because Micki and Annie have moved away, and he looked at me and said, "Awww, dont worry mommy they will come back. You will be ok." Then he got a tissue and wiped my tears and my nose and said, "There you go" "it's ok". I know he is mimicking what we do for him, but in some way, it just felt so much more connected and aware than just mimicking. There have been times when he has imitated my behaviors and they are equally as surprising, but in a different way. I knew he was a special gift to us even before he was born, and as he grows I can just see his contributions to our lives and the lives of others. Wherever he goes, people say, he is so handsome, he is so special, he has such an advanced vocabulary for his age. I am getting more used to people approaching us, but at times, it is still startling that people are drawn to him. Sometimes, from across a crowded farmers market, people will just cross the sea of people to get to us, just to say hello to him. Some days I have anxiety about him disappearing or being kidnapped and I think about how firghtened he would be. I would like to allow him the opportunity to interact with people without feeling afraid that someone might take him. I am justnot that trusing of the world and all of it's what-ifs.

Empty

I have suddenly realized that our world has gotten very small. Our friends have moved away. One to Nepal,well, eventually to Santa Fe, and the others to San Francisco. It is a lonely place here in Royal Oak now. Many of the people we have been friends with over the years, have drifted, due to differences in philosophy. I understand, that happens. But, one thing i was not ready for is the sudden realization that it is really hard to make new friends in the same community you have been in for so long. I finally understand why my mom has so few friends. Once you have kids, you dont have a lot in common with a lot of people anymore. Plus you want to protect your kids from people you dont know and you dont have time to just sit and talk and get to know new people. I was thinking yesterday about what a luxury it was to be able to sit for hours and talk with new people. Discovering them, hearing about their lives, their families, they challenges. You cant really do that with a toddler, there is not an infinite amount of time to linger over wine and listen. I am finding this very challenging. I am not sure what kind of network we will build now that the friends we have in close proximity are gone. The short notice get togethers are no longer an option. We have friends in AnnArbor, but thats 45 minutes away. Theres not spontaneous ice cream runs there. I am feeling a nervousness I have not felt since high school. I used to get this way the night before the first day of school. The worry, the excitement and the nervousness of making new friends, seeing old friends and trying to put it all together. It feels awful. I like feeling like an adult, not a child. I like having a grown up life. I am not betting on any of them coming back. I know they will settle in nicely in their new homes and find a path that works for them. I know they will eventually think to themselves, This is home....It pains me to realize that I am at this place in my life. I feel really blindsided by it all. I never expected this at this stage of my life and here I am.

sayings

My son is saying some funny stuff these days, here are a few of them for the record books!

-who is stephanie-She is my daddy, she fixes things.

-How will baba walk without her cane? She can use a rake

-Why is water wet?

-I want my nuther mommy

-I want my nuther mommy with the bunch of moles!

-Don't worry mommy, it will be ok, I am here with you.

-What would you do if you got mommy's mole off of her face? I would play with it. LOL

-Excuse me mommy, i need to tell baba something.

- I needed you

- Come on Steph, lets go downstairs

-If I dont listen to you mommy I have to sit on the simmer down step.

-(mommy says) i dont have a penis honey, I have a vagina, ( little boy says) OOOOHHH yeah you do mommy, oh yeah you do!