There is a part of me that never feels whole. Even when I am totally happy, have everything I could ever imagine in a spouse, a child and friends, I still feel the space.
What is that? Where does it come from? REcently, I have discovered that there might be an underlying vibe of lack in my life. No matter what I have I still see the lack, or if I don't see it, people around me remind me of it. One small comment can send me spinning into a place of self judgement and emptiness. How can I get the people around me to change with me? To focus on the fullness of life, instead of the lack. In a way I think it contributes to my feelings of fraud and also leaves me with a feeling of not being authentic. I have tried very very hard to be an authentic person, saying what is truly going on, being honest and owning it. I don't feel like a fraud anymore, I feel like I live a life that I am fully representative of. I don't feel like I have 2 separate ways of living. I used to feel that way, but that was old stuff and I am not there anymore. But, I can't get out from under the judgement of others or their ability to pull me back into the space of lack rather than abundance. Will there ever be a time when I say, Look, look at all this amazing stuff we have in our lives, and the response will be Yeah! I see it, instead of yeah but.
As my life progresses emotionally, professionally I am stagnant. I am suffocating,the job is boring and the lifestyle is mundane. Get up , go to work, listen to other people complain, try to be positive, listen to other people try to slice me down to their level of discontent, try to be positive, leave work, come home, love on my son, say hello to my wife, wish her well in her studies, go to bed.
Today, not a good day. Just feeling a bit crappy, lonely, empty and defeated.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
San Francisco, Pink and the beauty of love
So, last week I flew off to San Francisco, to see Micki and Annie and to go see PINK in concert.
Pink is one of my favorite artists, some might say I am obsessed, but I love her. I love her music, her lyrics, her physical expression of it all and I love how she is never willing to settle for less than what she wants. Admittedly, it would be VERY difficult to live with someone like that, but as an inspirational female, it works. I was so excited to be in san fran with my darling friends, meeting their nanny, lovin all over their son and dog and cats. I loved exploring San Fran, and San Jose, and all the touristy things. I also enjoyed just taking walks near the bay. There is no doubt that living there is very desirable. It is just a beautiful place to be. Sun, water, mountains, and most importantly, the promise of gay marriage and equal adoption rights (already legal there). I was thinking on my flight home, Hmmm I could live there. It would be nice. Of course, that takes into consideration that we would be mega rich, because it is so FREAKIN expensive! I mean, its just ridiculous! I have no idea how someone who works at Borders, can make it. They must have 5 roommates!
I spent a few days alone, just me and the city, and I have to say, I was lonely. It is always such an incredible thing to me, how you can be in a city with millions, and yet still feel very alone. I was missing my wife a lot. This trip was one that she should have been on. She is nuts about music and culture and new places and she LOVES SanFran. But she stayed home with our son, so I could jet off and live spontaneously. That to me is what love is. It is stepping aside for the one you love so they can manifest their dreams. However small or large the dream might be. Taking the second chair, or just allowing them to step first is the gift of love. In my lifetime, there have been so many situations where I had to race to the door so I could open it first before the person who "loved" me got there.
I think that Stephanie is the first person who loves me for all of me, all of my beautiful offerings, but also all of my faults. ALL of them. That is miraculous. She is someone I will never stop loving.
It was so amazing seeing Micki and Annie, I love them so much and I really missed them. As soon as I got there, it was like they just picked me up in Ferndale and we were going to Pontiac for a bar night. So normal, so confortable, so natural and so damn beautiful. I want those times to last longer than a few days. It is hard for me to be back in Michigan and have them out there. I was feelin pretty down yesterday and I think part of the reason was that I had to say goodbye again.
Overall, the past few days were something out of my 20 something years. Leave work, fly across the country to see a concert, hang out with friends, fly back, come to work. Am I having a midlife crisis???
Pink is one of my favorite artists, some might say I am obsessed, but I love her. I love her music, her lyrics, her physical expression of it all and I love how she is never willing to settle for less than what she wants. Admittedly, it would be VERY difficult to live with someone like that, but as an inspirational female, it works. I was so excited to be in san fran with my darling friends, meeting their nanny, lovin all over their son and dog and cats. I loved exploring San Fran, and San Jose, and all the touristy things. I also enjoyed just taking walks near the bay. There is no doubt that living there is very desirable. It is just a beautiful place to be. Sun, water, mountains, and most importantly, the promise of gay marriage and equal adoption rights (already legal there). I was thinking on my flight home, Hmmm I could live there. It would be nice. Of course, that takes into consideration that we would be mega rich, because it is so FREAKIN expensive! I mean, its just ridiculous! I have no idea how someone who works at Borders, can make it. They must have 5 roommates!
I spent a few days alone, just me and the city, and I have to say, I was lonely. It is always such an incredible thing to me, how you can be in a city with millions, and yet still feel very alone. I was missing my wife a lot. This trip was one that she should have been on. She is nuts about music and culture and new places and she LOVES SanFran. But she stayed home with our son, so I could jet off and live spontaneously. That to me is what love is. It is stepping aside for the one you love so they can manifest their dreams. However small or large the dream might be. Taking the second chair, or just allowing them to step first is the gift of love. In my lifetime, there have been so many situations where I had to race to the door so I could open it first before the person who "loved" me got there.
I think that Stephanie is the first person who loves me for all of me, all of my beautiful offerings, but also all of my faults. ALL of them. That is miraculous. She is someone I will never stop loving.
It was so amazing seeing Micki and Annie, I love them so much and I really missed them. As soon as I got there, it was like they just picked me up in Ferndale and we were going to Pontiac for a bar night. So normal, so confortable, so natural and so damn beautiful. I want those times to last longer than a few days. It is hard for me to be back in Michigan and have them out there. I was feelin pretty down yesterday and I think part of the reason was that I had to say goodbye again.
Overall, the past few days were something out of my 20 something years. Leave work, fly across the country to see a concert, hang out with friends, fly back, come to work. Am I having a midlife crisis???
Sunday, September 6, 2009
grandma love
My son loves my mom. he calls her gugga. Gugga is one of the coolest people in his world. She tops me and steph for fun, she tops us for patience. She still cant top us for boo boos but that might be coming soon.
Gugga spent the night last night. WE spent the whole day together and then she went home for a few hours and then came back. When she was leaving o go home, he kept saying, Dont go Gug. Please dont go, just read me one more book, one more book, pleeeeeeease! Mom ended up staying an hour longer than she was expecting because she just couldn't say goodbye. Even though she was coming right back.
SO mom spent the night last night, we (steph and I) went to the Joan Jett concert at the Arts beats and eats festival and mom stayed here to watch my son. He conked out at 9pm, but when he woke up this morning at 645am, he immediately called to me, Mommy... Where is Gugga. When I told him she was downstairs, he said, lets go see.... He was SO excited to find her awake and waiting for him. Hi Gugga, did you have good dreams or bad dreams last night? Gugga did you sleep on the couch? How was your sleep? Lets go up in my room and play, lets read, I want to eat pancakes... he is just SOO happy to have her here with him when he wakes up. I can remember feeling that attached and conneced to my grandpa at times, he was my buddy.
My mom is a blessing, we already know that but she is a blessing to his life. She teaches him compassion, love, acceptance, patience, and kindness. She remembers to tell him how much she loves him. She will drive all the way back to our house if she leaves before he remembers to give her a hug. I think the love he has for her is a special love, one that is unmatched by anyone. I love to see someone else love my mom as much as I do.
I wonder what his future with my mom will be like. Will he call her when he has a life dilemma? Will he call her when someone breaks his heart? How will they walk through the years?
It will be interesting to witness. I feel so fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to see this from this perspective.
Gugga spent the night last night. WE spent the whole day together and then she went home for a few hours and then came back. When she was leaving o go home, he kept saying, Dont go Gug. Please dont go, just read me one more book, one more book, pleeeeeeease! Mom ended up staying an hour longer than she was expecting because she just couldn't say goodbye. Even though she was coming right back.
SO mom spent the night last night, we (steph and I) went to the Joan Jett concert at the Arts beats and eats festival and mom stayed here to watch my son. He conked out at 9pm, but when he woke up this morning at 645am, he immediately called to me, Mommy... Where is Gugga. When I told him she was downstairs, he said, lets go see.... He was SO excited to find her awake and waiting for him. Hi Gugga, did you have good dreams or bad dreams last night? Gugga did you sleep on the couch? How was your sleep? Lets go up in my room and play, lets read, I want to eat pancakes... he is just SOO happy to have her here with him when he wakes up. I can remember feeling that attached and conneced to my grandpa at times, he was my buddy.
My mom is a blessing, we already know that but she is a blessing to his life. She teaches him compassion, love, acceptance, patience, and kindness. She remembers to tell him how much she loves him. She will drive all the way back to our house if she leaves before he remembers to give her a hug. I think the love he has for her is a special love, one that is unmatched by anyone. I love to see someone else love my mom as much as I do.
I wonder what his future with my mom will be like. Will he call her when he has a life dilemma? Will he call her when someone breaks his heart? How will they walk through the years?
It will be interesting to witness. I feel so fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to see this from this perspective.
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