Pain and death

Today is a sad day. My brother in laws sister Irene passed away yesterday from a rare form of Leukemia. She had a persistent cough that lasted two years. During that time she went to the doctor dozens of times, they kept saying she had a cold, a sinus infection, post nasal drip,etc... after 2 yrs they finally did a series of blood tests and found that she had leukemia and was acute stage meaning that 30% of her blood was already infected. She went through the chemo and radiation and went into remission, for 4 months, then she got a cold, couging. achy and fatigued. Well it wasnt a cold it was the end. She went into hospice care this thursday and died yesterday.
I found out from my sister, her shaky, broken voice ont he other side of the phone, trying to choke out...I R EE N N EE .....I s D E A D. The rush of emotion that came after that statement was one I have never experienced with Cindy. She is not emotional, she is not open like that. I think when my dad died, whatever part of her that had the ability to be open was permanently closed. I heard the sorrow in her voice, the pain that went beyond anything I had ever experienced and for a moment I felt connected to her in a way that I have never felt connected to her. Hearing her sobbing felt so desperate to me. Like I was absolutely helpless to assist in relieving her pain and completely unable to answer her questions. What are the answers to the Why's when someone dies. I suppose there aren't any. Since Irene was in hospice, her pain was managed until her body could not keep up with the slow decline that the medications were presenting and she finally succumbed to the peaceful rest that was awaiting her.
I told my sister, I don't want mom to die like that. I don't want her to gurgle and moan her way into obliviion. I want her to die when she is still my mom, not just some old person who is waiting to die. At times like these, there are so many things that run in and out of my mind. I want to cry every last tear out of my body, I want run, I want to shout and kick and vomit and collapse. When someone I know dies, it opens up the tunnel where all the dark pain is from the loss of my dad and I just want to run deep into the tunnel where I cannot see light from either end, and stay there in the horror. I want to try to feel the deepest pain, thinking in some way that if I do, I will honor my father and his memory. the risk is, can I find my way out of the tunnel? Will i ever be free from it?

life

So today is November 3rd. My son is getting bigger and i noticed yesterday that he really looks like a (bigger) little boy. His facial structure is changing, his nose is getting a bit longer and his cheekbones are starting to show more as his face thins out. Miraculous, I can see the 9 yr old in him. All of a sudden, I am missing the baby days. They were so hard, so much to do, constantly, changing diapers, washing bottles, pumping breast milk, no sleeping, not eating, baby vomit, baby spit everywhere.... and yet, I miss my baby. Lol. I guess there is no better way to put it other than, it feels so permanent when he starts to grow up. it feels like there will be a moment in time when none of this is even a memory. We will be on to bigger stuff. His first ER visit, his first, love, his first broken heart. The innocence of his early childhood will be replaced by the harshness of life. In place of my cuddly 3 yr old will be my independent and opinionated 9 yr old and mommy will no longer be the first choice for comfort, conversation or collaboration. It will be his friends. I know this is what supposed to happen, I know that. But. I didn't expect it to happen so fast, with such fury and such vigor. The other day I noticed something about his conversation skills. I said, I love you and he said, I love you too mommy. Up until this point, when I would say I love you, he would just smile and kiss me or something. But yesterday, he responded with "I love you too" That was incredible. it stopped me, my eyes welled up and i thought, wow! I was immediately reminded of when he first started saying I love you. Wuv ooo
and then he would take his hand and kiss it and gesture in my direction. Now its a reciprocal conversation. This child is a gift, from another place. I feel so lucky to have been chosen to care for him on this earth. To the Gods and Goddesses who made a portal in the universe for him to enter through, Thank You!