Today is a sad day. My brother in laws sister Irene passed away yesterday from a rare form of Leukemia. She had a persistent cough that lasted two years. During that time she went to the doctor dozens of times, they kept saying she had a cold, a sinus infection, post nasal drip,etc... after 2 yrs they finally did a series of blood tests and found that she had leukemia and was acute stage meaning that 30% of her blood was already infected. She went through the chemo and radiation and went into remission, for 4 months, then she got a cold, couging. achy and fatigued. Well it wasnt a cold it was the end. She went into hospice care this thursday and died yesterday.
I found out from my sister, her shaky, broken voice ont he other side of the phone, trying to choke out...I R EE N N EE .....I s D E A D. The rush of emotion that came after that statement was one I have never experienced with Cindy. She is not emotional, she is not open like that. I think when my dad died, whatever part of her that had the ability to be open was permanently closed. I heard the sorrow in her voice, the pain that went beyond anything I had ever experienced and for a moment I felt connected to her in a way that I have never felt connected to her. Hearing her sobbing felt so desperate to me. Like I was absolutely helpless to assist in relieving her pain and completely unable to answer her questions. What are the answers to the Why's when someone dies. I suppose there aren't any. Since Irene was in hospice, her pain was managed until her body could not keep up with the slow decline that the medications were presenting and she finally succumbed to the peaceful rest that was awaiting her.
I told my sister, I don't want mom to die like that. I don't want her to gurgle and moan her way into obliviion. I want her to die when she is still my mom, not just some old person who is waiting to die. At times like these, there are so many things that run in and out of my mind. I want to cry every last tear out of my body, I want run, I want to shout and kick and vomit and collapse. When someone I know dies, it opens up the tunnel where all the dark pain is from the loss of my dad and I just want to run deep into the tunnel where I cannot see light from either end, and stay there in the horror. I want to try to feel the deepest pain, thinking in some way that if I do, I will honor my father and his memory. the risk is, can I find my way out of the tunnel? Will i ever be free from it?
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i am terribly sorry for your sisters loss (vince included). It's never easy when you lose someone. You and I are a lot a like when it comes to loss. Although I didn't lose my father, I lost my uncle who was my surrogate when I was 13. He was the man who was going to walk me down the aisle. he was the man who inspired me to be Michelle Taylor on the radio and pursue my dream to move to San Francisco. It's never easy losing the ones we love the most, but I find comfort in memoralizing his life...and thanking him for the beatuful gift he gave me.
Your father gave you a beautiful gift, too...think about it...you have something in you that you wouldn't have without him...honor that ...and cherish it...
I love you! You are my chosen sister ...
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