Long time gone

I know I have been missing for awhile. I think my life is just spinning aorund and little things fling off of me every now and then. Today I am in a space that i don't like. I feel pointless.
Over the last few months, a lot has happened. Christmas came and went, it was lonely but ok. The new year brought graduate school, I am now attending online and trying to manage the everyday stresses of work, school and family. I had to quite selling Scentsy, it was taking too much of my focus. I had to quit teaching yoga, too much time spent trying to be available to people who are inconsistent and don't show up for class. My marriage has been going through a tough transition. My friends are all over the globe and I am still at this dead end job. Everyday when I wake up, I dread my work day. I never used to feel that way, but after i was told that there would be contractors hired and I was not one of them, everything changed. I want to leave, but there is no place to go here, in metro detroit. I want to go to california, move my family and begin a life out there that at least will create a feeling of congruency on the depeest level. We would be legally married and steph could adopt little boy. But, my wife is not ready to leave. Most days it doesn't bother me, but days like today, when I am sleep deprived, bummed out and just fed up. I wish we were packing our last boxes and having a moving sale! I want to feel differently, I want to see the sunshine everyday. This is the worst time to be in MI. It is so damn gray here. I have my daylight lamp, I use it every day, some days are harder than others. I have been watching the olympics lately. I am so inspired and envious of the athletes. First because they make me think about all the things I can do with my life. Then I think about all the things I have not done yet. That sucks. I am usually acutely aware of everything I have not done anyways, so when I watch the olympic athletes, I am just reminded of all the things I chose instead of other things in my life.

I am going through some medical stuff, and it really is hard. I have this excessive bleeding that happens during my cycle and it is really affecting my quality of life. When I am bleeding I feel like I am being drained of all I have. I have some options for fixing the issue but none of them are good options. 1. I can get a D & C and go on hormones. I dont want to do that because hormones make me a nutty crazy mess. Thats the BEST version of what could happen. 2. I could get an ablation, this is a procedure where they either freeze or Burn the interior lining of the uterus to a point of infertility. The infertility part does not worry me but I just cant get past the burning/ freezing thing. 3. Hysterectomy, worse side effects such as, dry skin/scalp. hair loss, depression, emotional instability, loss of libido, the list goes on and on. So, for now, the main thing I am going to try is exercise, and progesterone cream, you rub it on you belly everyday ad it is supposed to help control the bleeding.

I dont know if its because I am coming up on 42, or if it is just another chapter of my very turbulent emotional life, but i feel like I really just dont want to have to make any decisions. I want the universe to just tell me- Do this, Do that, Call this person, accept this job, leave this place, etc. Is there an angel like that out there???