way down in there

SO most of my life I have had made the choice to be a happy person, optimistic, hopeful. In many, many situations people will usually make an issue out of it. They want me to not be so happy! Why are you so happy all the time! How can you be so happy all the time!.
Well, all of those people have finally won!
I cannot seem to find my happiness. I uaually can talk myself out of the selftalk. I can get past it, I can see it for what it is, an old way of living that just does not fit me anymore. But, recently I have not been able to do that. It is different than depression. I feel urgent! I feel like I HAVE to change my circumstances, my career, my life. And yet, the truth is, for right now, I am stuck here. I feel stuck because i AM stuck. It's almost as if I have 20lb weights on each foot literally preventing me from moving. Some of this is the dual life I am living. I spend all day at a job that is pointless, worthless, and just boring. My mantra every morning is, You are getting paid for this... you have to go. I want to be saying I am getting paid for this? I cant wait to get back there! There is quite a difference between the two perspectives. Is it a perspective though, or is it reality? or is it just a worn out version of the same story I have been living my whole life? I feel a rumbling, way down in there, a nudge, but it has force. It's an adamant nudge. This nudge is what is driving me crazy! I thought, once i knew what I wanted to do with my life, I would be happy, but here I am, knowing what I want to do and yet I am unable to do it right now. I want to skip all the time between now and graduation and just get on with it! All of this time spent on homework is necessary so i can do well in my classes and get this HR degree. My biggest fear, is that I will get the degree, and then I will have a masters in HR and still be doing this pointless job! That would be awful. So I wait, I am living in parallel universes. One is like a large ship or a barge, moving slowly in the same direction, nothing changing, nothing progressing but getting tot eh destination eventually, the other is a high speed whirlwind, moving from subject to subject, massive amounts of learning, information flying at me from all angles and with grabbing on to the handle of the ride with white knuckles hoping I make it to the end.