the beginning the middle and the cake of life

stretching his wings

2010-09-09T09:56:00.002-04:00

My son started his first day of preschool with no parents around. It was a very good transition.
He said" bye momma, see ya later" and off he went holding one of his new friends' hands(Cass).
Cass is a little boy lux's age with the same build and height. Cass' mom is megan and she is very nice, although I didnt get much time to talk to her at the open house yesterday, I am sure we will begin to talk as our kids gravitate toward one another. Lux seemed relaxed and at ease yesterday when we arrived at the school, I think all the time we spent focusing on preparing him for school has paid off. His frequent school visits during the summer and his teacher coming to the house made a definite impact on his comfort level. I feel like we did something really nice for him. At this age, surprises that effect a child't emotional foundation are not welcomed surprises. They are met with resistance and tightly gripped hands.
The children at Detroit waldorf school are very sweet kids, they were helping the younger kids get on and off the swings, sharing their toys and holding hands as they moved around the playground.
I am excited about this year, and I am anticipating many many insights and changes.

bake slaes, fundraisers and after school specials

2010-08-27T11:02:00.002-04:00

So, lux is off to preschool, in 2 weeks he will be going to school 3 days a week. It will be an adjustment but at the same time, we are all looking forward to him. I want to see what he will learn when he is in an educators care. What revelations will he have? How will his view of the world change? Will he have tons of friends or just a chosen few? He is 3 1/2 years old, he will be 4 in october and he is beyond ready! This kid can read count to 30 and name all of his shapes and colors including octagons and pentagons and colors like ecru and yellow ochre.

When your child begins to scratch the surface of independence this way, there is a feeling of concern and excitement all at the same time. I feel like I want to implode and explode at the same time. So that leaves me with what i have right here in my presence. I am savoring the moments i have with him in every way. more to come as we being volunteering for the bake sales, the fundraisers and going to the after school assemblies...

My Grandpa at 92

2010-04-04T21:25:00.003-04:00

Affecionately referred to as Dido, meaning Grandpa in Czech. He was 50 when I was born, from the time I was old enough to remember my grandpa has been there in my life. Either in the middle of it, on the side, or lingering in the background. At times, I valued everything he said, other times I repelled from all of his "advice" and now as he ages, I find myself peaking with interest as he tells his stories. This man, was a seat filler for my father. When my dad died, he was there, he made his home available to us and we moved in. Not unselfishly, this was a move to better control my mom's outcome and to keep track of her affairs. But to a 1 1/2 year old who spent the next year in his daily presence, I was safe. My grandpa has always tried to provide safety and security to me, with Huge consequences, if his way was not the way I chose to get to the finish line. But this is not really about the "real grandpa" today, this is about "my grandpa" and it comes from a child's perspective, because as a child he was my everything.
My grandpa was a stern, strong, tall man when he was young. No nonsense. He taught me to be strong, opinionated and have a fighting will. He told me to never give up and to always speak my mind. He had no tolerance for wimps. it was not long after I was 3 that i remember beginning to fear him a bit, at times, I would stand at his feet and look aaaalll the waaaay up to his chin! I could not see past his chin, but I knew he was looking out around to make sure nobody was trying to harm me. When I stood behind him, peering out, I knew if I squeezed his leg, he would protect me. He would hold my hand to cross the street, he would offer his coat to me when I was cold and he always made sure my grandma was preparing us something to eat, so as not to be hungry. When I would take a bath, I could call for him, he would wash my back. I could always rely on him to lift me up to the tallest part of the cherry tree so I could reach that.... one.... cherry... i saw from the ground. He did this, and so much more for me. Today, I was watching my son, holding his grandpa's hand, walking from the restaurant, and I remembered how special I used to feel when I was holding MY grandpa's hand. I felt totally safe, totally loved and soo cool because he picked me to hold HIS hand. There have been times in my life as I have grown when my grandpa was a very deep source of pain for me. Some of the memories come with a price. His gentleness waned as I became an adult. His overbearing expectations, were too much to handle at times. But, today, I went to see him and i was so lost. My grandpa is a 92 yr old man. He is frail and bony, his face is skeletal and his eyes are hollow. He wants to be able to die. He just wants God to finally say, it's enough,we're ready for you now. But still he is given more time....He said to me today, I NEVER in my life, thought I would live this long. I knew, this was not a statement of pride, but one of despair, of utter desperation. I held my grandpa's hand today, and suddenly I was the hand providing stability, strength and comfort. his brown spotted paper thin hands, have seen so much pain and very hard work in his life. They have carved wood patterns for many of the first buick's at fisher body. My grandpa's favorite car was his lime green cadillac with the white leather interior. My had style. Now he sits in his flannel shirt, pants that are falling from his hips and has to drink coffee from a straw. This pillar in my life is crumbling. This man who was my father, and my grandfather, is now waiting for his last breath to finally come. It is heartbreaking and so completely wrong to watch him like this. His empty stare gazing out a widow, as if he is searching for his real life. Just gazing, looking, searching for a sign that this is NOT really the life he is living right now. The painful realization is to much for him to bear. Each time I see him now, he cries. he cries about still being alive, or about when he was an orphaned boy who mother chose to leave him she could come to America " she said she didn't me anymore". He cries about the church he used to belong to that told him after 67 years, "John, No we really don't want to hear your opinion anymore". He cries about the friends who have passed, and how he and my grandma are the only ones left. In the midst of all of this, he lives in his house with strangers, 24-7 caregivers, who feed him, bathe him and help him walk to the bathroom. He sleeps in a special recliner now, because he cant straighten his back anymore. He has not been able to sleep next to my grandma in 2 years. She sleeps on the couch next to his chair so that the familiar sound of his breathing can lull her to sleep. All the while longing to hold him next to her so he can reassure her of her own safety. This is no way to live. This is not a happy ending to a life honored by 6 children, 17 grandchildren, 10 great grandchildren and 3 great great grandchildren. This is not the way he wanted to go. All of this is bubbling up inside of me, waves of melancholy and frustration rumble over me like a bicycle over a cobblestone road, jarring my perspective and perplexing my mind. Right now, at this moment, I want my grandpa back. The guy who had fight in his soul. I want to see the man who taught me all of those things, and I want to relive those experiences. I want my Grandpa.

way down in there

2010-03-12T12:13:00.002-05:00

SO most of my life I have had made the choice to be a happy person, optimistic, hopeful. In many, many situations people will usually make an issue out of it. They want me to not be so happy! Why are you so happy all the time! How can you be so happy all the time!.
Well, all of those people have finally won!
I cannot seem to find my happiness. I uaually can talk myself out of the selftalk. I can get past it, I can see it for what it is, an old way of living that just does not fit me anymore. But, recently I have not been able to do that. It is different than depression. I feel urgent! I feel like I HAVE to change my circumstances, my career, my life. And yet, the truth is, for right now, I am stuck here. I feel stuck because i AM stuck. It's almost as if I have 20lb weights on each foot literally preventing me from moving. Some of this is the dual life I am living. I spend all day at a job that is pointless, worthless, and just boring. My mantra every morning is, You are getting paid for this... you have to go. I want to be saying I am getting paid for this? I cant wait to get back there! There is quite a difference between the two perspectives. Is it a perspective though, or is it reality? or is it just a worn out version of the same story I have been living my whole life? I feel a rumbling, way down in there, a nudge, but it has force. It's an adamant nudge. This nudge is what is driving me crazy! I thought, once i knew what I wanted to do with my life, I would be happy, but here I am, knowing what I want to do and yet I am unable to do it right now. I want to skip all the time between now and graduation and just get on with it! All of this time spent on homework is necessary so i can do well in my classes and get this HR degree. My biggest fear, is that I will get the degree, and then I will have a masters in HR and still be doing this pointless job! That would be awful. So I wait, I am living in parallel universes. One is like a large ship or a barge, moving slowly in the same direction, nothing changing, nothing progressing but getting tot eh destination eventually, the other is a high speed whirlwind, moving from subject to subject, massive amounts of learning, information flying at me from all angles and with grabbing on to the handle of the ride with white knuckles hoping I make it to the end.

my 3 yr old

2010-02-24T12:54:00.002-05:00

OK my son is potty trained! It took him about 6 weeks but we are on the way to big boy ville.
He wears regular underpants, he go on the potty chair, he goes on the big toilet, he goes in department store bathrooms. This weekend we went to see my sister and we had to stop at meijer to get a few things, we were standing in the aisle way and he exclaims, I have to pee! Then I turn to look at him and his pants are already half way down. This prompted a conversation about when he has to pee, he needs to tell us and then we will go to the potty. there are not automatic potty's that pop up when he suddenlyhas to go, although that WOULD be a good idea!

We were in the car, he had to pee, and there was no potty anywhere. So, we taught him about the special magic that boys possess, how they can pee in a cup just by lowering their pants. He was lit up! he thought this must be one of the coolest things ever!!! he was very pleased.

Last night he says, I have to doop. runs to the potty chair, drops his pants and then looks at the floor, two little terds fall from his butt onto the floor. he then walks to me with his pants around his ankles and says, uh, mommy, I uh, hmm i dont know what happened. So cute.

Someday I will tell this story at his high school graduation. Thanks for the material... :)

Long time gone

2010-02-24T12:36:00.002-05:00

I know I have been missing for awhile. I think my life is just spinning aorund and little things fling off of me every now and then. Today I am in a space that i don't like. I feel pointless.
Over the last few months, a lot has happened. Christmas came and went, it was lonely but ok. The new year brought graduate school, I am now attending online and trying to manage the everyday stresses of work, school and family. I had to quite selling Scentsy, it was taking too much of my focus. I had to quit teaching yoga, too much time spent trying to be available to people who are inconsistent and don't show up for class. My marriage has been going through a tough transition. My friends are all over the globe and I am still at this dead end job. Everyday when I wake up, I dread my work day. I never used to feel that way, but after i was told that there would be contractors hired and I was not one of them, everything changed. I want to leave, but there is no place to go here, in metro detroit. I want to go to california, move my family and begin a life out there that at least will create a feeling of congruency on the depeest level. We would be legally married and steph could adopt little boy. But, my wife is not ready to leave. Most days it doesn't bother me, but days like today, when I am sleep deprived, bummed out and just fed up. I wish we were packing our last boxes and having a moving sale! I want to feel differently, I want to see the sunshine everyday. This is the worst time to be in MI. It is so damn gray here. I have my daylight lamp, I use it every day, some days are harder than others. I have been watching the olympics lately. I am so inspired and envious of the athletes. First because they make me think about all the things I can do with my life. Then I think about all the things I have not done yet. That sucks. I am usually acutely aware of everything I have not done anyways, so when I watch the olympic athletes, I am just reminded of all the things I chose instead of other things in my life.

I am going through some medical stuff, and it really is hard. I have this excessive bleeding that happens during my cycle and it is really affecting my quality of life. When I am bleeding I feel like I am being drained of all I have. I have some options for fixing the issue but none of them are good options. 1. I can get a D & C and go on hormones. I dont want to do that because hormones make me a nutty crazy mess. Thats the BEST version of what could happen. 2. I could get an ablation, this is a procedure where they either freeze or Burn the interior lining of the uterus to a point of infertility. The infertility part does not worry me but I just cant get past the burning/ freezing thing. 3. Hysterectomy, worse side effects such as, dry skin/scalp. hair loss, depression, emotional instability, loss of libido, the list goes on and on. So, for now, the main thing I am going to try is exercise, and progesterone cream, you rub it on you belly everyday ad it is supposed to help control the bleeding.

I dont know if its because I am coming up on 42, or if it is just another chapter of my very turbulent emotional life, but i feel like I really just dont want to have to make any decisions. I want the universe to just tell me- Do this, Do that, Call this person, accept this job, leave this place, etc. Is there an angel like that out there???

Pain and death

2009-11-18T09:35:00.003-05:00

Today is a sad day. My brother in laws sister Irene passed away yesterday from a rare form of Leukemia. She had a persistent cough that lasted two years. During that time she went to the doctor dozens of times, they kept saying she had a cold, a sinus infection, post nasal drip,etc... after 2 yrs they finally did a series of blood tests and found that she had leukemia and was acute stage meaning that 30% of her blood was already infected. She went through the chemo and radiation and went into remission, for 4 months, then she got a cold, couging. achy and fatigued. Well it wasnt a cold it was the end. She went into hospice care this thursday and died yesterday.
I found out from my sister, her shaky, broken voice ont he other side of the phone, trying to choke out...I R EE N N EE .....I s D E A D. The rush of emotion that came after that statement was one I have never experienced with Cindy. She is not emotional, she is not open like that. I think when my dad died, whatever part of her that had the ability to be open was permanently closed. I heard the sorrow in her voice, the pain that went beyond anything I had ever experienced and for a moment I felt connected to her in a way that I have never felt connected to her. Hearing her sobbing felt so desperate to me. Like I was absolutely helpless to assist in relieving her pain and completely unable to answer her questions. What are the answers to the Why's when someone dies. I suppose there aren't any. Since Irene was in hospice, her pain was managed until her body could not keep up with the slow decline that the medications were presenting and she finally succumbed to the peaceful rest that was awaiting her.
I told my sister, I don't want mom to die like that. I don't want her to gurgle and moan her way into obliviion. I want her to die when she is still my mom, not just some old person who is waiting to die. At times like these, there are so many things that run in and out of my mind. I want to cry every last tear out of my body, I want run, I want to shout and kick and vomit and collapse. When someone I know dies, it opens up the tunnel where all the dark pain is from the loss of my dad and I just want to run deep into the tunnel where I cannot see light from either end, and stay there in the horror. I want to try to feel the deepest pain, thinking in some way that if I do, I will honor my father and his memory. the risk is, can I find my way out of the tunnel? Will i ever be free from it?

life

2009-11-03T09:37:00.001-05:00

So today is November 3rd. My son is getting bigger and i noticed yesterday that he really looks like a (bigger) little boy. His facial structure is changing, his nose is getting a bit longer and his cheekbones are starting to show more as his face thins out. Miraculous, I can see the 9 yr old in him. All of a sudden, I am missing the baby days. They were so hard, so much to do, constantly, changing diapers, washing bottles, pumping breast milk, no sleeping, not eating, baby vomit, baby spit everywhere.... and yet, I miss my baby. Lol. I guess there is no better way to put it other than, it feels so permanent when he starts to grow up. it feels like there will be a moment in time when none of this is even a memory. We will be on to bigger stuff. His first ER visit, his first, love, his first broken heart. The innocence of his early childhood will be replaced by the harshness of life. In place of my cuddly 3 yr old will be my independent and opinionated 9 yr old and mommy will no longer be the first choice for comfort, conversation or collaboration. It will be his friends. I know this is what supposed to happen, I know that. But. I didn't expect it to happen so fast, with such fury and such vigor. The other day I noticed something about his conversation skills. I said, I love you and he said, I love you too mommy. Up until this point, when I would say I love you, he would just smile and kiss me or something. But yesterday, he responded with "I love you too" That was incredible. it stopped me, my eyes welled up and i thought, wow! I was immediately reminded of when he first started saying I love you. Wuv ooo
and then he would take his hand and kiss it and gesture in my direction. Now its a reciprocal conversation. This child is a gift, from another place. I feel so lucky to have been chosen to care for him on this earth. To the Gods and Goddesses who made a portal in the universe for him to enter through, Thank You!

words

2009-10-05T10:13:00.002-04:00

So, my son is talking alot more and we can understand most of what he says now, but there is still a list of things he says that I find adorable. Here it is:

machine- asime
instructions-gindrucshuns
winimade-lemonade

phrases:
No problem mommy, no problem
So what, Im still a rock star ( PINK)
but kids need to make noise when people are sleeping
but kids need to tease dogs
Just one, just one more tic tac, then one more
I love my family
This is the family call (eek eek eek- screaching sound)
I love the fall, the leaves fall down and then you can throw them up in the air
No i didnt doop, i didnt
its almost my birthday, i cant wait for the kids to come over
mommy I want to learn about Space- i want to make a rocketship
lets bake brownies
I wnt Piiiiiza and cake

my 3 yr old

2009-10-05T09:20:00.002-04:00

Well my little boy is going to be three this wednesday. IT's unbeliveable that he has onl y been in my life for 3 years. He has brought me so much joy and challenged me to be a better person already and we still have a lifetime together. Sometimes, when I look at him I am simply overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for him. When he sleeps, the way he rests his head on his hands that are clasped together under his cheek. So angelic. It is no surprise to me that he came to be in my life and in my wife's life. We have already grown so much as a family with him in it. I dream of the days when he will be able to tell me something I didnt already know. Something unique to his perspective about life. I am curious about how he will see the world and what his opinion will be of things. I tell him everyday how much I love him. He tells me too. We have a delightful, loving and very sweet tender relationship..I think about myself at 80 years old, him at 40, holding hands, walking together in the woods, talking about life. Him talking about new discoveries, me talking about past experiences and the lessons I learned along the way. There will come a day when my son will find himself a companion and I will become the steady, foundation for him to jump from. It will be a difficult day for me, but I anticipate it with excitement and joy. This boy, this beautiful boy, what a gift.

The hole

2009-09-24T09:37:00.004-04:00

There is a part of me that never feels whole. Even when I am totally happy, have everything I could ever imagine in a spouse, a child and friends, I still feel the space.
What is that? Where does it come from? REcently, I have discovered that there might be an underlying vibe of lack in my life. No matter what I have I still see the lack, or if I don't see it, people around me remind me of it. One small comment can send me spinning into a place of self judgement and emptiness. How can I get the people around me to change with me? To focus on the fullness of life, instead of the lack. In a way I think it contributes to my feelings of fraud and also leaves me with a feeling of not being authentic. I have tried very very hard to be an authentic person, saying what is truly going on, being honest and owning it. I don't feel like a fraud anymore, I feel like I live a life that I am fully representative of. I don't feel like I have 2 separate ways of living. I used to feel that way, but that was old stuff and I am not there anymore. But, I can't get out from under the judgement of others or their ability to pull me back into the space of lack rather than abundance. Will there ever be a time when I say, Look, look at all this amazing stuff we have in our lives, and the response will be Yeah! I see it, instead of yeah but.
As my life progresses emotionally, professionally I am stagnant. I am suffocating,the job is boring and the lifestyle is mundane. Get up , go to work, listen to other people complain, try to be positive, listen to other people try to slice me down to their level of discontent, try to be positive, leave work, come home, love on my son, say hello to my wife, wish her well in her studies, go to bed.
Today, not a good day. Just feeling a bit crappy, lonely, empty and defeated.

San Francisco, Pink and the beauty of love

2009-09-21T08:57:00.002-04:00

So, last week I flew off to San Francisco, to see Micki and Annie and to go see PINK in concert.
Pink is one of my favorite artists, some might say I am obsessed, but I love her. I love her music, her lyrics, her physical expression of it all and I love how she is never willing to settle for less than what she wants. Admittedly, it would be VERY difficult to live with someone like that, but as an inspirational female, it works. I was so excited to be in san fran with my darling friends, meeting their nanny, lovin all over their son and dog and cats. I loved exploring San Fran, and San Jose, and all the touristy things. I also enjoyed just taking walks near the bay. There is no doubt that living there is very desirable. It is just a beautiful place to be. Sun, water, mountains, and most importantly, the promise of gay marriage and equal adoption rights (already legal there). I was thinking on my flight home, Hmmm I could live there. It would be nice. Of course, that takes into consideration that we would be mega rich, because it is so FREAKIN expensive! I mean, its just ridiculous! I have no idea how someone who works at Borders, can make it. They must have 5 roommates!

I spent a few days alone, just me and the city, and I have to say, I was lonely. It is always such an incredible thing to me, how you can be in a city with millions, and yet still feel very alone. I was missing my wife a lot. This trip was one that she should have been on. She is nuts about music and culture and new places and she LOVES SanFran. But she stayed home with our son, so I could jet off and live spontaneously. That to me is what love is. It is stepping aside for the one you love so they can manifest their dreams. However small or large the dream might be. Taking the second chair, or just allowing them to step first is the gift of love. In my lifetime, there have been so many situations where I had to race to the door so I could open it first before the person who "loved" me got there.
I think that Stephanie is the first person who loves me for all of me, all of my beautiful offerings, but also all of my faults. ALL of them. That is miraculous. She is someone I will never stop loving.
It was so amazing seeing Micki and Annie, I love them so much and I really missed them. As soon as I got there, it was like they just picked me up in Ferndale and we were going to Pontiac for a bar night. So normal, so confortable, so natural and so damn beautiful. I want those times to last longer than a few days. It is hard for me to be back in Michigan and have them out there. I was feelin pretty down yesterday and I think part of the reason was that I had to say goodbye again.

Overall, the past few days were something out of my 20 something years. Leave work, fly across the country to see a concert, hang out with friends, fly back, come to work. Am I having a midlife crisis???

grandma love

2009-09-06T07:51:00.003-04:00

My son loves my mom. he calls her gugga. Gugga is one of the coolest people in his world. She tops me and steph for fun, she tops us for patience. She still cant top us for boo boos but that might be coming soon.
Gugga spent the night last night. WE spent the whole day together and then she went home for a few hours and then came back. When she was leaving o go home, he kept saying, Dont go Gug. Please dont go, just read me one more book, one more book, pleeeeeeease! Mom ended up staying an hour longer than she was expecting because she just couldn't say goodbye. Even though she was coming right back.
SO mom spent the night last night, we (steph and I) went to the Joan Jett concert at the Arts beats and eats festival and mom stayed here to watch my son. He conked out at 9pm, but when he woke up this morning at 645am, he immediately called to me, Mommy... Where is Gugga. When I told him she was downstairs, he said, lets go see.... He was SO excited to find her awake and waiting for him. Hi Gugga, did you have good dreams or bad dreams last night? Gugga did you sleep on the couch? How was your sleep? Lets go up in my room and play, lets read, I want to eat pancakes... he is just SOO happy to have her here with him when he wakes up. I can remember feeling that attached and conneced to my grandpa at times, he was my buddy.
My mom is a blessing, we already know that but she is a blessing to his life. She teaches him compassion, love, acceptance, patience, and kindness. She remembers to tell him how much she loves him. She will drive all the way back to our house if she leaves before he remembers to give her a hug. I think the love he has for her is a special love, one that is unmatched by anyone. I love to see someone else love my mom as much as I do.
I wonder what his future with my mom will be like. Will he call her when he has a life dilemma? Will he call her when someone breaks his heart? How will they walk through the years?
It will be interesting to witness. I feel so fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to see this from this perspective.

the joys of boys

2009-08-25T11:12:00.002-04:00

Ok, so this is totally out of left field.
Yesterday my wife is changing my sons diaper, and he says, let me see my doop momma.
So she says, ok, he looks in his diaper and says, "it's Ginormous!" She responds, yes, it is.
Then he says It's a ginormous monster! to which she replies... Lol!!!!
later in the evening she is re-telling the story to me, and then he says, Mommy I think I dooped, can I see it this one is Ginormous too~! I bet it is, I bet it is...
I am cracking up and I say, uh, ok..?
so we change his diaper, it's not ginormous, and he says, I think the next one will be ginormous mommy.

What a riot!
This was not shared by anyone with Boys excpet fo rmy aunt pat, who had a stoyr about her son seeing his doop in the bath tub floating around and said, look mommy, boat!

Boys will be boys.

making new friends

2009-08-24T14:37:00.001-04:00

We met some really nice people at our newly initiated parenting/tot group.
Lux liked all the kids, we were driving from the meeting spot to the lunch spot and we had a chance to talk in private. We said, so what did you think of the kids? he said, well they are a bit bossy, they are not like Javier. Then he said, yeah but they are gonna move away soon.

Awww so sad.
We were skyping with Javier the other day and he and my son were both putting their hands ont he screen to touch each other's faces. It was really hard to watch.

lately

2009-08-24T14:28:00.001-04:00

So, recently my son has been blowing me away with his incredible skills.
For instance, the other day he said, "mommy, if we cant find all the pieces to the puzzle, we can just improvise!" Uh, what?
I just can't believe what come out of his mouth.
Also, yesterday, we were talking about the weather, I said, well summer is moving into fall, that's why it's a bit more chilly than usual. he said" Mommy, I love the fall, the leaves come down fromt he trees, and then you can pick them up and throw them in the air, and then you rake them up into the bags!" so I'm looking at him dumbfounded and realize that it's been a year since we did that! Then I say, "That's right baby, that's exactly what we do in the fall. Then he says, I know, mommy, I know.

The other night, I was laying in bed withhim, he was cuddling before falling asleep, he grabs my face to get as close as he could to his face and says, buddies, mommy, we're buddies. I said, Aww sweetheart, I love you, he says I love you too mommy, we're buddies, I loveyou mommy, then he starts kissing me on the face, he kisses my forehead, my lips, my cheeks, my earlobes, and my chin. then lays back on his back and sweetly drifts off to sleep.

You can't make this stuff up!
I was just covered in love at that moment. Amazing!

the result

2009-08-24T14:25:00.003-04:00

Well the traveling went really well, he did fine he didnt start missing me until day 4 whcih is pretty darn good. 2 days after I got back, he had a meltdown, serious separation anxiety and that is to be expected. All in all the entire trip was fantastic. I got re-energized about Scentsy! and I am totally committed to making this business work!
I am focused on recruiting and building my team.

Scentsy is going to take us into next year with a lot of success, and a lot of happiness.

traveling

2009-08-05T22:15:00.002-04:00

Well, in about a week I will be heading off to Salt lake city for 5 days to go to the Scentsy Convention.
I cant wait to see what Scentsy has for us and how this will help me build my business.
I am a bit worried about how my wife and son will do while I am gone, but I am sure they will have a great time.
I think it will be good for both of them to have several days without me around, so they can re ly on each other and grow together. Maybe they will be closer when I get back.

I am also starting a parenting group for my area. I am trying to find like minded people who are interested in making new friends and als having our kids connect. I hope some people start joining.

Maybe i am the only one who wants friends?

Awareness

2009-07-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

There are a few things I know about myself and one of them is that I am a deeply feeling and loving person. It does not suprise me that my son is also very deeply feeling and loving but sometimes, it is shocking to me, the way he relates to me. The other day I was crying, about our friends leaving, and I was feeling really lonely and well, just really sad. He saw me crying and asked, "mommy, why are you crying?" Steph said, she is sad because Micki and Annie have moved away, and he looked at me and said, "Awww, dont worry mommy they will come back. You will be ok." Then he got a tissue and wiped my tears and my nose and said, "There you go" "it's ok". I know he is mimicking what we do for him, but in some way, it just felt so much more connected and aware than just mimicking. There have been times when he has imitated my behaviors and they are equally as surprising, but in a different way. I knew he was a special gift to us even before he was born, and as he grows I can just see his contributions to our lives and the lives of others. Wherever he goes, people say, he is so handsome, he is so special, he has such an advanced vocabulary for his age. I am getting more used to people approaching us, but at times, it is still startling that people are drawn to him. Sometimes, from across a crowded farmers market, people will just cross the sea of people to get to us, just to say hello to him. Some days I have anxiety about him disappearing or being kidnapped and I think about how firghtened he would be. I would like to allow him the opportunity to interact with people without feeling afraid that someone might take him. I am justnot that trusing of the world and all of it's what-ifs.

Empty

2009-07-21T09:01:00.002-04:00

I have suddenly realized that our world has gotten very small. Our friends have moved away. One to Nepal,well, eventually to Santa Fe, and the others to San Francisco. It is a lonely place here in Royal Oak now. Many of the people we have been friends with over the years, have drifted, due to differences in philosophy. I understand, that happens. But, one thing i was not ready for is the sudden realization that it is really hard to make new friends in the same community you have been in for so long. I finally understand why my mom has so few friends. Once you have kids, you dont have a lot in common with a lot of people anymore. Plus you want to protect your kids from people you dont know and you dont have time to just sit and talk and get to know new people. I was thinking yesterday about what a luxury it was to be able to sit for hours and talk with new people. Discovering them, hearing about their lives, their families, they challenges. You cant really do that with a toddler, there is not an infinite amount of time to linger over wine and listen. I am finding this very challenging. I am not sure what kind of network we will build now that the friends we have in close proximity are gone. The short notice get togethers are no longer an option. We have friends in AnnArbor, but thats 45 minutes away. Theres not spontaneous ice cream runs there. I am feeling a nervousness I have not felt since high school. I used to get this way the night before the first day of school. The worry, the excitement and the nervousness of making new friends, seeing old friends and trying to put it all together. It feels awful. I like feeling like an adult, not a child. I like having a grown up life. I am not betting on any of them coming back. I know they will settle in nicely in their new homes and find a path that works for them. I know they will eventually think to themselves, This is home....It pains me to realize that I am at this place in my life. I feel really blindsided by it all. I never expected this at this stage of my life and here I am.

sayings

2009-07-06T07:57:00.002-04:00

My son is saying some funny stuff these days, here are a few of them for the record books!

-who is stephanie-She is my daddy, she fixes things.

-How will baba walk without her cane? She can use a rake

-Why is water wet?

-I want my nuther mommy

-I want my nuther mommy with the bunch of moles!

-Don't worry mommy, it will be ok, I am here with you.

-What would you do if you got mommy's mole off of her face? I would play with it. LOL

-Excuse me mommy, i need to tell baba something.

- I needed you

- Come on Steph, lets go downstairs

-If I dont listen to you mommy I have to sit on the simmer down step.

-(mommy says) i dont have a penis honey, I have a vagina, ( little boy says) OOOOHHH yeah you do mommy, oh yeah you do!

being 2

2009-06-12T23:02:00.002-04:00

Well, its kinda hard being 2, there are meltdowns, totaly joy, total anger, total hapiness and total exhaustion. I hope he appreciates being able to feel the full extent of every emotion when he is 13 and doesn't want to cry anymore about a girl or boy who broke his heart with a mean comment or a snide look. It's so amazing to me how mnay people stifle their kids, just because its inconvenient for them to hear the whole thing. My son has been having some MAJOR meltdowns, when he has them. They are getting more intense and more strategic, but not in a manipulative way. he is just trying to work an angle because he wants what he wants. Anyways, it is really hard to see him angry, and feel so out of control, but I am not sure what to do I have tried to offer him ways to cope, but they all fail. I think we need to start yoga. I amy try to get him intoa yoga routine soon, it's actually about time for that. So, maybe when he is 3 he will have better coping skills and life won't seem so damn unfair. It's gonna be a sad day when he realizes that he is not the only thing that matters to the entire world. He will always be one of the only things that matters to us, but its a harsh reality, the world just doesn't really care all that much.
Bitches!

Family Sucks

2009-05-31T14:48:00.004-04:00

So my grandparents had their 70th wedding anniversary today. 70 years! we wanted to go to the party and celebrate. We got there, it was at their church, and the experience was awful. All of my uncles, aunts and cousins that live locally, were there. Many of them have met steph several times before. Except for my one cousin and her husband, who have kids and we get along very well with, nobody said hi to her or eve acknowledged her existence, except for staring at her and whispering. It sucked. Being at a church, which is totally judgmental of us and our lifestyle, then my uncles and their kids acting like idiots. What a bunch of bullsit. We have been together for 15years! Thats longer than most of my uncles have been married in all of their marriages.. They have been divorced, numerous times, they have been married to drug addicts and abusers and alcoholics and trophy wives, And yet, they are judging us ! the whole thing was just ridiculous and I felt realy angry, steph feels totally hurt and my son is oblivious, but will feel the sting, some day and will be asking us why? What is wrong with people!? I am 41 years old, I am a prductive and loving member of society,and stil there are people who think they can judge me and tell me what they think about how I am living. Or not even tell me what they think, but just be totaly fucking rude to my wife. I dont know what to do. I want to call everyone of them on their shit! i want to punch them in the face and just lose my mind! I feel so angry and betrayed and just so damn sick of this. Whats gonna happen at my grandparents' funerals. Steph loves them and will be sad when they die, she will be grieving. She does not deserve to be treated that way and I need to do something. But what?

lack of sleep does things to a person

2009-05-18T22:38:00.003-04:00

So my little boy was up way to late.
I went to a scentsy meeting and didnt get home til 9pm. Steph is not the night mommy and it is hard for her to get him to bed. So I got the put him to bed. Well he only had a 45 minute nap today, so I am thinking, hmm shouldnt be too bad, thats usually a 4 second humming routine and hes out. No nap means excellent bed time.
Well, no, he had gotten to the, unreasonable, insane stage. I tried to get him to brush his teeth after he agreed that he would do it after he had "just one more snack" and he had already brushed them a few minutes ago. He hasnt been eating alot because he was sick,so we thought he was hungry. Didnt want him to go to be hungry like some poor child with no food. So we let him have a snack. Then I said, ok, we agreed that you would bruch your teeth, he zips his lips and says no I dont want to! I dont want to brush my teeth. Immediately at this point I realize, uh-oh hes beyond tired, this isnt gonna be pretty. 10 minutes of thrashing in y arms, kicking, screaming, and crying, turning blue and holding his breath, we finally et his teeth brushed. Then he is pissed, I mean PISSED. He realizes that I am holding him, and begins to cuddle in to me and then thinks, this B*tch just forced me to bruch my teeth ! and starts screaming and kicking me with all his might. I learned how to raise his legs up away from me so he can still kick but not kick me, ah ha! You didnt get me. Then he decides that he is NOT putting his head down on my shoulder, so he is exhausted, dozing off and his lower lip is poking out in a pout his head is bobbling like a dashboard statue and when I gently ease his head onto my shoulder, he immediately stiffens his body, starts crying and saying NO I dont want to put my head down, dont do that! So i just keep rocking him i my arms, and eventually he softens and places his head down on my shoulder. Ahhhhhh delightful peaceful sleep has arrived and removed the demons of sleep deprivation from my sons body. It is soo hard to hold it together sometimes, but it is also very funny to see him so determined. I kept saying, I know you are angry, and you can be angry but you cannot hit or kick mommy. I will still love you when you are angry at me, because there will be times when you think I dont love you because you got mad at me, but I will love, I love you now and I will always love, I especially love you when you feel safe enough with me to express yourself.
I ended up feeling really happy for him that he go to go through the entire experience without me redirecting him to a result that I wanted.

Poor little boy, what a sweet tired little boy.

ups n downs

2009-05-18T12:28:00.002-04:00

This weekend was a plethora of ups and downs
Up- Went to an early b-day party for my dear friend Annie. Had great conversation, fabulous food and a blast at the karaoke bar. Royal Kubo is SMOKE FREE!!
Down- baby and wife were sick, wife stayed home. I am not that used to being single.
Up- weather was gorgeous on saturday and had a lot of things planned
Down- baby was very feverish, stuck to me like a infant monkey and i got nothing done, besides nurturing.
Up- Baby looked into my wife eyes as she was holding him just after he vomitted all over the chair, the floor, the carpet and he said "I love you daddy" puffed a little puff of puke breath in her face and then drifted off to sleep. But we both cried and thought it was the most beautiful thing we had ever experienced!
Down- Baby vomitted all over the chair, carpet, floor
Up- Reconnected with my wife in a way I have not been able to in many years.
Down- got little sleep and woke up tired.
The ups and downs of life are so important to the overall makeup of what you see as important. My son is growing incredible fast. We linger on the thoughts of what he was like when he was "little" like he 18, but he's only 2 1/2.
Life is capturing him and carrying him away already. Amnazing to watch but also very lonely and empty feeling as he begins to turn away and explore outwardly.

Mothers day

2009-05-12T23:22:00.003-04:00

Happy Mothers Day
This year I am vividly aware of what it is to be a mother. I was in a daze the first year, the second year is much more intense. It is a magical experience, but there are bumps. There are sleepless nights and there are frustrations. When you give up your Individualness ( I know its not a word!) to be a mother, you are not really ready for it Even when you think you are ready for it, you are not. it's like a newly bottled wine, it needs time to age and to ferment and grow in order to really be the motherhood you were ready for. Overall, I have enjoyed these past two and a half years of mothering my son. I have so many tiny little things that are written on post its in my mind. So many "firsts" and so many more to come. I realized this year, that my mom was an excellent mother and still is. She was always, and I mean always, compassionate, loving and patient with me My whole life! I am in awe of the patience she had and has. She is remarkable When I was a young child, I would foolishly worry that my mom was sad, or that she was sick or worried. Then as I grew into a teenager I thought my mom was dumb, dressed like a dork and didnt have any idea what the world was about! Then in my 20's and 30's she was frustrating at times, but mostly, the best friend I have every known. I can relyon on her for anything! We never get into fights, we never have any estrangement between us and she is always the one I can call when there is nobody else. She will show up. She always shows up. I have realized that 99% of everything I know about being a mom, came from her and it was not in a book,or a video or a story. It was on a cellular level, from experiencing her total devotion and love I have learned how to love.

My mom is the most precious gift I have ever received, She would say that about me too. I think that is why it works so well, because of the love and respect we have for each other and the gratitude that we have for each other.

The second most precious gift is between my wife and my son, but for different reasons. They are both amazing gifts to me. I know some day she will be gone. I already feel so alone, just thinking about what my life will be like without her. She was the first face I saw when I came into this world and I imagine I will be the last face she sees before she goes. In some odd way, I feel like a part of me will cease to exist when my mom is gone.

sister love

2009-05-03T06:55:00.003-04:00

Yesterday my son spent the day with his sister from canada E. E. and her mommy came to our house for the day and they had such a sweet time. My son is always reluctant when he sees new people, and since he has not seen them since October, that qualifies as new people. So I was totally expecting to have to ease him into his time with them. Well, I think he knows on some biological level that they share something special. He was not shy at all, he immediately came right over to her and started playing. this is very unusual for him. He usually checks things out for at least 5 minutes before diving in. Then he was hugging her and holding her and hey were giggling into each others eyes. We went for a walk, they held hands, ran together, jumped together, hoped together, laughed together and just had a grand old time! It was truly tear jerking to watch, they were soooo adorable. They ate together, argued about the flavor of E's drink, He said it was Strawberry, she said it was blackberry, It was blackberry but it was the color of strawberry, so technically they were both right! She bossed him around, he obeyed, most of the time and when he didn't she cried. Typical sibling stuff but with the added softness and sticky sweetness of not being live in siblings, so there was very little fighting. They chatted about toddler things, they ate strawberry ice cream together, they talked about their lives. I have this toy, I don't have that toy. They said thank you and you're welcome, they exchanged presents, and had a blast playing together. Together, they actually played together. When it was time for them to go my son said, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go, I will miss you. All 3 mommies had teary eyes. it was very touching. I have discovered that my son, really does understand who E is even though he does not live with her. He knows she is someone special. He knows she has a special place in his life. We joke that when they are a bit older, they will be calling and texting and chatting up the phone bill.

When he was still in the belly, we used to hope for a day when he could know his donor, his half siblings and maybe just know who they were and if we were lucky, he would get to meet his donor. I never imagined that we would have this delightful relationship with his sister and her mommy, who we will need to call something more endearing, like auntie or tia or cha chi. something more meaningful than just E's mommy. She is very dear to us, we are all on the same page and we want our kids to have a relationship. its magical to watch and to be a part of.

My son dreamt of the evening, at one point, he was talking in his sleep and said, thank you, thank you thank you. Awwww so precious.

LOVE this kid!

2009-04-21T12:48:00.001-04:00

So last night we had a breakthrough.
My son says to me, Mommy come here
Come into my "table office"

So I climb under the dining room table and he proceeds to tell me that this is his office, this is where he goes to work and then he gets the money and he can get paper, crayons, bananas and strawberries.
I looked at him in disbelief, and I was thinking in my head, WOW this IS working.
It does pay to explain rather than force!
So, we caht for a minute and then he says, da dee come into my office too.
So she climbs under the table too, so here we are the three of us, crammed under the dining room table just as happy as
can be watching our son "tend" (pretend) he is a working part of the family.

So he finally decides that we can leave his office and he goesover to his play kitchen and starts cooking dinner and tells us that he got home from work and is now cooking dinner.
So he brings all the food over one item at a time and says, here , its pizza its your favorite! ( which is what we tell him)
Then he says, heres some toast with peanut butter and jelly, and I say, I dont like peanut butter, andhe says well you like it sometimes, you like it. ( thats what we say to him)
My wife looks at me and says, he has progressed to a different stage of play.
I say yep, and just like that, he has moved on to the next stage of play.
AMAZING!

Last night I told him a story about a little boy who had magical powers who could see love in peoples hearts, and who could tell when his mommy misse dhim just byb looking at him. Then I told him that the little boy would give his mommy a toy to take with her to work so she wouldnt be lonely while she was away from him.

This morning he was crying and carrying on about me leaving No mommy, dont go, I dont want you to go, please dont go,. I want you to stay here, I dont want to see gigi's and so on. Then all of a sudden his face changes and he says, ok Mommy I WILL let you goto work. I will go get you a toy so you can keep it with you at work. So goes downstairs and grabs me a wind up caterpillar and says, here mommy hers a "padapula" put it in your pocket. I didnt have pockets becuz I was still in my jammies and he notices right away and says, OH you donthave pockets! and gets this look of distress. I said No worries, I have pockets on the clothes I am wearing to work.
he smiles and says OK I want to make my shake now! and runs in the kitchen to "help" steph make his breakfast protein shake.

I stand there in amazement as i get to walk up the stairs without sneaking or hearing him scream!
Today is a Gift of a day

Life Part 2

2009-04-09T09:32:00.001-04:00

Mom hurt her knee and cannot stand on her leg.
She is goign to have to have knee replacement surgery, its been a long time coming and she no longer has the luxury of just being able to push it off and pop pills to get through the day. She is at the end point. This sucks for her, for us and for our son. We will need to get a new baby care person, or adjust our schedules in order to accommodate the fact that she can't watch him anymore. This is not awful, but withthe separation anxiety thing going on, its just bad timing. In addition to that, she will be in a lot of pain and having to go through lots of physical therapy after the surgery and who will take care of her after the surgery? I have a very volatile situation at work and can't really just take time off this time, to take care of her, it's not a good idea. So now what? Well, for now, we are just waiting to see what the ortho surgeon will say, when she gets in to see them. And then we will go from there.
Remember when I said I'd rather havea bunch of little things go wrong, instead of a big thing? Hmmmm , i might be changing my mind about that!

Life part 1

2009-04-09T09:27:00.003-04:00

So much going on.
After the brain tumor scare, things were settling down, but now we are dealing with separation anxiety. This is just awful.
Our son does not want either of us to leave, EVER. for Any reason. Every morning when I leave for work, I leave in my wake, a little guy with snots running down his nose,a red face, screaming and crying MOMMY DONT LEAVE ME!! What the Heck? Who ever said motherhood was rewarding? Well I think I did at one point, but I think it was when he was first born and just took those little baby breaths and made those squeaky baby noises to let me know he was here and he was depending on me, it was so cute. So I thought, now I just wish he would be able to understand that I will be back. he doesn't, there is no reasoning with him and there is no way to soothe him. I have tried many many things, and just end up having to leave. With the crying toddler in the background. I feel like I am in a movie, me walking down the path from the house, with stress and worry in my eyes, but walking briskly, in the background , our home, Front door open and a little boy standing there sobbing, reaching, pressing his face against the glass and total chaos going on around him. What a nightmare!

Prayer works!

2009-03-31T13:45:00.003-04:00

You will all be amazed and delighted to hear that she DOES NOT, I repeat DOES NOT have another tumor. The radiologist did not have her previous films and so he determined that she did have a tumor. We saw the neurosurgeon today totally expecting to hear that we would need to go through the surgery, so he comes in and says, " you films look great!" We are stunned and say, uh, WHAT? Then he shows us the two films side by side, one from 2003 and one from 2 weeks ago. So they both look the same, there is no change. The area that the radiologist was looking at was residual tissue from the previous tumor but since it have not changed in 6 years, he said, not to worry, nothing is wrong! We jumped for joy, kissed, hugged and could not contain our excitement! then we went to eat breakfast! This has been a crazy few days, but it is amazing how many people love us and how many people were praying for us! We had Jesus Buddha and Krishna on our side! Thank you to all of you, we are planning a party, Life is so vivid again. Yesterday everything was muted, and heavy and dragging and today the air is clean, the colors are bright and our future is promising!

Gratitude is the most important thing I can give to all of you! We love you!!!

Tsunami

2009-03-29T21:26:00.002-04:00

There is a time in all of our lives when we realize that no matter how good we have been to others, how loving, how giving, some things are just going to happen and there is no explanation.
My wife has a brain tumor. It IS operable, it is on her pituitary and it is the same one she had 10 years ago.
Life was very different for us then, things seem so much more serious now. Maybe its because we have child, or because we are together 15 years this July, or that we are just so intertwined. I don't know, but, it is not something we re taking lightly. When we went through this the first time, we knew there was a chance that she could get it again. after 10yrs! she has it again, we thought she was clean. This tumor is called a non-producing pituitary adenoma ( look it up if you want more info) basically it just sits there on your pit gland and starts screwing everything up, kinda like the bratty kid at school who would just come over and knock your popsicle house over, just to see it fall. Well this bratty kid is really a pain the ass. We are seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday to discuss options, we already know the drill, but are hoping she can take the non-invasive way this time, due to size and location of the tumor. We'll see.

I think in our lifetime we have been very lucky, we have not had to deal with much, but then I wonder, if we had had to deal with little things, would we ever be hit with BIG things? Maybe we get the BIG things becuz we are strong and can handle it better than others and its just that random. Maybe its just that random. it feels random

Spring Fever

2009-03-17T23:16:00.002-04:00

My son is SOOOOOOOOOO happy that spring is here, he is running around outside, playing with bubbles, going to the park, pushing his truck outside, trying to ride a tricycle. All the while his mommy is thinking, how can I keep this kid safe? Anyone could take him, he is so cute and .....i need to get a DNS kit and his fingerprints, do we have any recent pics, blah blah blah.
I cannot stand being haunted by what ifs, I feel like every time I think that, I am chipping a hole in my resolve to keep him safe and letting a bit of fear acid in. I just need to remember that lots and lots of kids make it all the way through their lives and NEVER get kidnapped. I remember being age 12 and suddenly being afraid of being raped. I have no idea why. And It took me until I was almost 28 to let that fear go.. My boss who is a dear friend to me said, once you are a parent, you are never not a parent anymore. You will always worry, you will always be trying to think a half step ahead of them and you will survive, we all do, its just what its like when you are a parent.

dentist

2009-03-17T23:12:00.001-04:00

So my son has 5 cavities! and we believe it is mostly because of the fact that he slept for 2 years with a trickling of breast milk constantly pressing on his teeth and gums. Also, his diet sucks. and he eats sweets and drinks a lot of Juice. And he would not agree to tooth brushing. Well all of that has changed. We have to get his teeth fixed, he has to have 2 rot canals and 3 fillings and he has to go through IV sedation in a hospital in order to do it. Well, we want him to. We took him to an "urgent" visit on saturday thinking he was having all this work done. But I didnt like the doctor, steph didnt likethe doctor and the doctor would not let us be in the room with him while they were working on him. So, we said, thanks very much, we'll take a referral and left. Then my son ate an entire plate of pancakes and a bowl of fresh strawberries and blueberries since we had to starve him all morning in preparation for the procedure that never happened. We will be seeing the hospital dentist next, we'll see what happens.

2009-03-17T23:10:00.002-04:00

My son is obsessed with my moles, I have one on my face just under my chin, it sticks out a little and yeah, I suppose it can be a bit interesting. But, he has to touch it to fall asleep, in the middle of the night, if he wakes up he will have his eyes closed and be searching with his hand for my mole! Hahahahaha Stephanie and I find this Hilarious! My mom says I can never have it removed because he will miss it. What a riot!

Singing, hugging and playing

2009-03-04T21:37:00.002-05:00

Its been awhile since I have updated here. Well as usual my son is amazing me.
About a week ago, he told me that he loved me and that when I was old he would take care of me.
He placed his tiny little hands on each cheeks and said mommy "feel better mommy, when youa re old, I will take care of you mommy". Sometimes I have this feeling that he is a very old soul who has been here many times.
Also, we were hugging him and he was sitting wiht us on the couch, all of the sudden he says, daddy is my mommy and mommy is my mommy. You are my two mommies!We just looked at each other and looked at him and said, That's right!
I have no idea how he figured out that two mommies had to be plural!

This child is growing so fast, his language and sentence skills are amazing.
he knows his ABC's, sort of.
He can count to 10
and he know 6 colors and 5 shapes.
He also has begun singing, singing, singing which I think it soooo cool because he is feeling so safe and not judged that he will just belt out a song! Like tonight, he was singing, knife, knife, kniiiiiiife! I dont know why he was singing about a knife, but I sang with him. Then he started singing his list of songs. Abc's, itsy bitsy spider, twinkle twinkle, pat a cake, which is not really a song, but its ok. And happy birthday Luna. She was 5 yesterday and we sang to her. I think Luna might be one of his best friends! he is realy loving her these days, she will play with him when he throws a toy and then she will ruuuunnnn and he will chase her.
its nice to see a little boy enjoy his dogs.

foo-di-bull

2009-02-12T12:15:00.003-05:00

So I have been sick with the flu since monday night, I have not gone to work, taken a shower or eaten much of anything. I did go to the doctor and found out that I have lost 4 pounds! But that's not the real story here. I woke up this morning, my son was in the other room, he saw me sit up in bed and said mommy, you feel better? I said no, not yet, but I will soon, he said, oh you will feel better soon mommy and began patting my back and hugging me. I felt a wave of love wash over me as I felt his little hands trying to comfort the ickys away. It was amazing. This little guy is just over two but he has such a compassionate heart. He is so loving and kind. In difficult times, his kindness and compassion prevails. Maybe I am the only one, but I am amazed by this. I just didn't realize that a child that small would be able to compute all of the emotional intelligence it takes to have compassion for someone. Maybe it doesn't take that much. True, I am not "just someone" but I dont see this behavior in my nephew's kids, or friends kids. Anyhow, so I carry him downstairs, we go in the kitchen, he looks at me and says, "mommy. can I fix your hair?" I say sure, knowing that my hair do right now looks Like a homeless person. Smashed down on one side, nicely greasy on the other. He twiddles his fingers in my hair, puffs it up here and presses it down there and then he says, " There... You wook fooo-di-bull(beautiful). I didn't even know he knew that word! I immediately melt into a puddle on the floor. He has no idea at that moment that he could have had anything he wanted! He just smiled and I said, well thank you sweetie, You are so special, I love you. He said, i love you too mommy, can we go downstairs and watch a show?

Recently

2009-02-03T02:22:00.002-05:00

My sons vocabulary has exploded.
There are some funny things that he is saying, some darling things and some heart melting things.
das my paybwit (thats my favorite) This would be applied to anything that he really really wants, mostly food.
When he eats chinese food, he will say that before every bite. EVERY bite. So after about 10 bites, it is just so funny that I begin to laugh, and try not to show it. Last night I was laughing and I think he noticed, and then he stopped eating and refused to continue. I felt like a crappy mom at that point. I was just finding his consistent pattern of saying it was his favorite before every bite a little more entertaining than I should have I suppose.
Then I got to thinking, its actually so authentic to say what he says. He just says exactly what it is that he is feeling, no editing. It's kinda nice to see that freedom of speech. In adddition to thats my favorite, he is saying things like, mommy i love you, and then hugs me. Sometimes he will just come up to both of us and want a group hug. Last night he wanted us to both hold him and hug him and then we were both kissing his cheeks, he was between us, and he had a huge smile on his face. It was so beautiful, We were the perfect family. I did not want that moment to end. I just wanted to freeze it in time and be there, forever. I know that someday he will be indifferent to me, someday he will be angry with me, someday he will be too busy to come over. But for right now, he is here with us, wanting every moment to be filled with us. So for now, we are making that happen. He is the center of our universe, as he grows he will, most likely not want to be there, and we will want to keep him there. Also, he is saying something else that just cme out of nowhere. One night a few nigths ago he woke at about 3am, he wanted me to take him downstairs on the rocking chair and I just didnt want to get out of bed, I had a nice warm imprint of my body on the mattress and just did not want to leave it. So I told him I was not going downstairs, that it was nighttime and that he should go back to sleep. He pitched quite a fit, but I did not give in. Well in the middle of his protest, he says, mommy I want to go downstairs and watch go diego go, thats a good idea! So when he says that, I was soo surprised I started lauging, but didnt want to show it, so I bit my lip, and was shuddering with laughter in the bed. it was VERY funny and cute. He is very creative in the way that he conveys what he wants to have happen. If the whining, crying and complaining does not work, he switches to reasoning. It is quite miraculous, and it gives me hope that someday the whining and the crying will not be the first choice. I hope.

Red Kid

2009-01-12T08:47:00.003-05:00

So we went to this toddler group in our local area and it was a lot of fun. There was one incident that I need to record because I was really impressed.
My son and a few other kids were playing when one of the kids decided to hit my son and knock him down over in response to my son trying to get the stuffed turtle from the other kid's clutches. So the little boy hit him and then pushed him down. I learned all fo this later, after my son collapsed into a pile on the floor while doing his rendition of scarlet o'hara when Ret is leaving Tara. He's a bit dramatic at times....
Anyhow, I run over pick him up and say, what happened? he starts babbling through the tears and pink drool ( yes his lip was cut). The braeal jfoenms jhfhlw hit me and ueshed me. Eventually when he settled down he says, "The Red Kid hit me and pushed me down". I look over and see the red kid's mommy, who I know very well, scolding him, " Go give him the turtle and say you are sorry or you will have a time out" What would you like to do?
I realize that my son, didnt knowthis little boy's name so the only thing he could figure to do is describe him, as The red kid ( he was wearing a red shirt).
I was very impressed by this. Wow, I was thinking, Thisis amazing he knew he needed to tellme who did it, he knew he didnt know this little boys name, but he figured out that he could describe what he was wearing and that would reveal who it was.
Wow!

Hole Punch

2009-01-12T08:47:00.001-05:00

The other day, my son woke up and notice a single hole puncher on the dining room table.
Immediately he scurried over to the table, climbed up on the chair at record speed and said, what is that?
I told, oh, this is a cool device that can punch holes in paper. So he began to try to squeeze the handle together in hopes of seeing how it punches holes.
His little hands were a bit weak at forsst, but after 2 trys he was able to squeeze it all the way down.
Then I showed him how it worked, we slide the paper here and then squeeze.
When I punched the hole in the paper and showed him what happened, he looked at me like I had just discovered the photosynthesis equation for how to grow money on trees! It was just sooooo totally amazed. I could see his mind working! Like, Whoa, how the heck did that happen, and why didnt they tell me this before!?
Then I showed him where the left over holes go, he opened the chamber and all the little white dots fell into a clump on the table.
He look at the pile, grabs it and throws it in the air, and shouts, its SNOWING!
I just loooked at him like, how did you know that?

Why I adore my 2 year old child.

2009-01-12T08:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I find myself in awe of the miraculous things he is doing.
I feel like I am part of this huge secret society that only parents and close family members are a part of.
We all know all the amazing things our child does, and we all know how miraculous, but unless you birng it up to someone who knows, nobody talks about it.
There are so many times when I jus think, wow! There are just no words to accurately express what just happened.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-27T17:07:00.002-05:00

This year was amazing
my son LOVES christmas. it is also my favorite holiday. He was adorable this year, totally into all the packages.
Surprisingly polite for a 2 yr old. He would take the package from under the tree and say, "Mommy is this for me?" If I said no, it's for gammy, he would simply put it back and say, " oh, ok, is there a present for me?" This was just the sweetest most heart melting thing. I mean, come on, at 2? I was ripping through anything in my path, I am sure. I worry about him sometimes, that he will be such a sweet person and get hurt. But, I dont give it to much time, since I think being a nice person always has its rewards in the end.
As for his christmas, we got almost all of his toys at the resale or mom to mom sales in our area. We spent less than 100 dollars for it all and he was so thrilled with everything. Even the stuff that were missing pieces. I want to savor these times to remember, for when he is 13 and is pissed the day after christmas because he only got last years version of the latest ipod or whatever the "thing to have" is at the moment. I want to be able to think back to the christmases when he only cared about having some simple little anything, it was truly the thought that counted. As for his darling sweet heart, he has been doing some really precious things. Like, the other day, my wife said, " i love my family" I said , I do too, i love our little family. Then he talks over his fake chicken nugget with a mouth ful of food and says, " I love you da-dee too, I love you mommy, too" We both welled up and began to sniffle. What a darling child. Also he LOVES christmas cookies, the baking the mixing and of course the eating but especially the decorating. he loves Pwasting and prinkos. The other day he said, mommy i love prinkos, have more. so I poured like three sprinkles into his hand and one of them was the shape of a heart. he eats the others, looks at the heart in his hand and says, mommy I love you, look there is a heart in my hand, i love you too. I smiled and said, I love you too baby. I love you too. Can life get any sweeter?

What has been happening

2008-12-17T15:59:00.002-05:00

Well there has been a lot happening these days.
December has been very busy with life. There are times that I wish I could just stop the clock, sleep for a week and then start it back up and begin again. We had some major milestones with our son. 1. he has 2 cavities! now we have to figure out what to do about them. We don't want him to have to get his teeth drilled, but we really have no choice. So we are searching for a pediatric dentist to do the work. UGH! 2. he spent a nihgt at my in-laws. He went on Saturday night Dec 6th and came home on Dec 7th. WOW, we had the evening to do whatever we wanted. it was really weird. First I was very worried about him, his sleeping, his crying, whether or not he wouldbe scared, how they would handle it and about a million other little things, but I let it all go. I just said to myself, they will call if he needs us and left it at that. We got to see the movie MILK which we will buy as soon as it is avaialable so that our son can see it and realize what an amazing person Harvey Milk was. If you don't know who Harvey Milk was, SEE THE MOVIE, and if you do know how Harvey Milk was, SEE THE MOVIE! It was FANTASTIC! When we went to sleep that night I was thinking it would be great! no baby, but I woke up at 4:30am and stayed awake for an hour, just thinking about him and being grateful for him and what he has brought to our lives. I was able to fall back asleep and when I woke up I was so happy to have been able to sleep in, just a bit. My wife made me frendh toast, we read the paper, we talked, had coffee, did house projects and had a very nice day,but we were both already missing him like crazy by the middle of the day. It was nice to be able to just to hang curtains without having to say, thats not for the mouth, no no baby, mommy is the only one who can use the drill, etc.
We picked him up and we felt whole again.
3. He has moved into statements even more, for example:
Me do it
How open it?
you bring me toy?
i hongry now
no go nigh nigh, play cars
sing rudof da re nos yandier ( sing rudolf the red nose reindeer)
sing rock a baby (rock a bye baby)
i love you mommy
fell better mommy
here ya go mommy
thats orange like gigi's car orange ( thats the same color as my grandpa's car)

language

2008-11-21T09:58:00.003-05:00

what is he saying lately?
Well he is making great sentences. like
Mommy its cold inhere, can I have a blanket please?
No baba, don't go home, stay here.
Mommy wuvooo- This one is my personal favorite of course!
Suzie
Steph
Geegan- which means "again"
Gigi's took it home in their car
chase luna now
I want cake now

2008-11-21T09:57:00.001-05:00

Weaniing Day 1I just could not do it anymore, I hit the breaking point and that was it. My son woke up at 12:30am on Monday night and I just refused and thats when it all began. He thrashed, he screamed, he hit me, he cried.... Oh did he cry, and all the while I was telling him, i understand. I just kept saying you can be angry, I would be angry,but you may not hit mommy. He would try to lay on my shoulder and then get really mad and crya ll over again. He was up for 4 hours the first night, and eventually fell asleep sitting up watching TV. He tried every diversion to get out of the situation, Lets build a snowman, lets got to the store, lets go outside, get Da-Dee up, i want Da-dee, anything. Nothing worked.
When I woke up, I did not feel regret, I felt energized, I did it, I made it through the first night!
Weaning Day 2The second night, my wife and I devised a plan, i went ot bed at 8pn and slept for 3 hours, while she wore him out. Then when it was time for him and her to go tobed, I got up and began the ritual of settling him down. I expected the same thing as the night before and figured I would be up for awhile. Well, to my surprise I offered him the pacifier ( chupo) and He took it! He took the Chupo and he fell asleep in 15 minutes. He woke up twice that night, cried for about 15 minutes and then tookt he chupo and fell asleep. I kept him close in our bed all night long and it was miraculous. I was so excited I could not sleep. I think I was actually more tired on day 2 than I was on Day 1. But in the morning, he had only woken up 2 times and cried for less than a half hour total!.
Weaning Day 3I astucally had Thai food last night for the first time in 2 years, well I have had thai food, but not the one I like. The potato Curry with Tofu from May's Bangkok Express. It was Divine! I ate every bite! All the while thinking, yes! I am done nursing, I can eat curry!
We went to bed at 8pm, my son took the chupo after about 10 minutes of crying, he fell asleep by 8:40pm. I went to bed. He didnt wake up until 1:30am, I thought I would have to get up take him downstairs and walk him around as I havebeen doing the last 2 nights. But, he surprised me, He just crawled over to me, lay on top of my chest and snuggled his little head into the crookof my shoulder and fell back to sleep, it was literally 5 minutes! WOW, I am amazed, he never woke again when I left for work,so I consider that sleeping through the night.
Tomorrow I am having Indian food, another milestone and nursing is done. I have not had Indian food in 2 years either because he was very senstitive to curry and it caused him a lot of discomfort.
Hallelujah! I can have Iced Tea today! The caffeine used to keep him awake.
Today I feel like a warrior walking outof a cloud of dust after a battle. I made it through and he is doing really well!
I love my family again!

funny

2008-11-18T08:42:00.001-05:00

The other day, my son was lookin in the mirror as he was brushing his teeth and he had no shirt on. All of a sudden a light bulb went on over his head. He looked at me and said, baby boobs! Baby Boobs! I said, thats right, those are your boobs. Then he got a huge smieland laughed and said, penis! Penis! penis! I started cracking up! and had to leave the room as my wife calmly acknowledged that he had a penis!

So funny

Weaning!

2008-11-18T08:39:00.000-05:00

There have been moments in my life, when I have known I went in the wrong direction and then realized I was going to have to go back to point A and start again. Breast feeding my son is one of these moments. I feel so conflicted about it all. I know all the stuff about the reasons why it is so great for him. There is no doubt that nursing him this long has enabled him to be a healthy child with a big brain and amazing cognitive and motor skills. No doubt, that's proven. Where I vasilate is, the comfort, the bond that has developed between him and my breasts, i say that intentionally. it's not me, so much as it is my breasts. I know he is bonded to me as his parent and I know he sees me as someone who can satisfy his needs, but I also know that he is bonded to my breasts, like an alcoholic to alcohol. his eyes widen, he giggles a little and then dives in to my chest with such delight, its almost a little creepy. Sometimes, I wish I never started nursing him, then I wish I would have weaned him when I went back to work, then I wish I would have weaned him when he turned 1, etc....I was planning to wean him this weekend,but my wife was sick, so it has been postponed until this weekend, hopefully. I want to remember all of these feelings I am having but am reluctant to write them down, because many of them are not very nice. I think that many women would have just fought through it and just gotten over it long ago. One friend of mine said, "weaning? Well I just told him no,and that was it." I said, well didn't he cry? Wasn't it confusing for him? Aren't you worried about his emotional health? she said " Uh, yeah he cried, so what! I was done and that's it." I have tried to be that closed off, it does not work for me. I see him as such a darling sweet innocent child who is only doing what I have programmed him to do. But, I am tired. I am exhausted, and I am done. So how do I balance the Doneness with the love I have for him. I feel like I am abandoning him, letting him down, being hypocritical. I feel like there is no way for me to wean him without being those things. I just don't see how it works any other way. I can do a lot of things for a few days, so I keep doing it for a few more days, but I want to be finished and I want him to know that although I am finished with nursing, it does not mean we cannot be as close as we have been, just in different ways. I feel so totally alone.

life changing

2008-11-06T08:30:00.002-05:00

The night of the election, after we heard that Barack Obama would be our next president, I went upstairs to get ready for bed. I looked into the bedroom to see my son sleeping, peacefully, with arms sprawled out, chest moving slowly up and down to match his very relaxed breathing pattern, eyes gently closed and his face so softly resting. I thought to myself, you have no idea what has just happened little man. In your lifetime, you will never know that there was a time when black people could not be president just because they were black. Such a monumental thought, such an impact on your life, and yet you sleep. So gently and peacefully allowing this moment to pass with no observation, no celebration, no recognition. Just sleep. I thought about how he will have a better future, just because a democrat will be in office for the next 8 years. I thought about my black friends who have kids, andhow their kids will not be more hopeful about their futures. I did not yet know that California had repealed legal marriage for gays. I was nervous about it, but thought it would remain, by an ever so thin margin. The next day, I woke to hear that Calfornia did in fact vote to repeal marriage rights for gays and I thought to myself. What the hell are people so afraid of? it's amazing how we are demonized in the media and in certain religious groups. The fear that is fed to Americans is just incredible. It's like the most tasty treat you have ever had, you can have as much as you want and you never have to be aware of what it. I wish for the day when I can once again see my son sleeping peacefully as the country finally changes the direction of his life once again. Making acceptance and kindness the priority and placing fear in the dumpster.

funny boy

2008-10-27T22:56:00.004-04:00

yesterday we did the Royal Oak Spooktacular. We have been working up to this for weeks since I bought a lion costume for my son to wear and he immediately despised it. So the next 2 weeks were spent talking about the lion, practicing to be a lion and even playing lion with the lion hand puppet. Well it worked, and the conversations about getting candy. He decided he would wear it yesterday. It was great, we walked to all the stores in town, said tick-teet and tank oooo after each deposit into the bucket. Then we sat down and took a rest on one of the benches and the fun began. Mommy Candy, mommy candy now. So I gave him a choclate covered pretzel to eat and he gobbled it up, mommy more candy, more candy more candy now. To which I replied, you can have more after you take 3 bites of your bagel nd one bite of peanut butter to which he replied, NO, more candy now. I kept saying the sam script, to his escalating requests for candy, and finally I said. If you eat your bagel, you can have one more bite of candy, then the candy is going nigh nigh until tomorrow. he protested and he never got the other candy, because he never ate anything else. Then we went to bed. When we go up to bed, the ritual begins, mommy and baby walk u the stairs, he calls out Da-deeee, come upstairs, go nigh nigh. Then da-dee follows, we all get in bed and he says mommy boobs. This is hilarious! then I let him nurse. Usually he falls asleep in 15 minutes or so. After checking for Da- dee about 3-4 times. tomake sure she has not slinked out of the room when he was busy nursing. So, tonigh, same ritual and all of a sudden, he looks up and says, luna, luna.... Goonie. Me and Steph look at each other and start Cracking up. Goonie is Lunas nickname, today we realized that he knows the dogs "other" names. That was incredible. We just kept laughing and laughing and then he liked that, so he repeated goonie about 20 times, while nursing so it was more like... glomnie. these are the things I really want to remember when he is older. I want to be able to tell him all of these funny stories. he has a funny sense of humor. Today at the dinner table, he farted, then steph said, something stinks, did you doop? He says no, duck. Which steph has taught him to say when he farts, because she says it sounds like a duck in his butt.Aaaanyway, so he says duck, I then say, did you fart, he says yes, i farted! Smiles, and starts pushing really hard and he farts again, I crack up! out loud so loud that he starts laughing really loud and we are both just cracking up and I cant stop laughing at him. This is where it begins..... This is how people get the idea that farting is funny... it's times like these.

profound

2008-10-23T22:35:00.003-04:00

my son is hilarious-he is now repeating every single thing I say and when he is not sure what a word is, he just garbles up the words and I think to myself, hmmmm this is what he is hearing. interesting. He loves to repeat everything we say to each other, my wife and I, so we are bing more careful about our language and our inflection.
He totally knows when we re being snipy and he will show physical signs of it, like swattin the dogs, banging on the table or kicking a toy. sometimes I think to myself, this is so obvious, Why do most parents think their kids are being difficult when they ae just mimicking what they are hearing and seeing, it is all so unfair.

He is putting 3-5 words together at a time and his favorite phrase right now, is Mommy Hup me. Which can mean, mommy help me or mommy pick me up depending on his body language. it is very cute but at the same time, it sounds really pitiful. Mommy help me.... I just say, of course I will help you honey what do you need.

I love this kid. I totally adore his entire little person. Someday, when he is a grown man, I want him to know that all the silly kid things he did were actually some of the richest experiences I had ever had in my lifetime. It's amazing how watching a child first discovering how a flash light works can be so very satisfying and tear jerking at the same time. If I had to use one word to describe this experience I am having with him, it would be Profound!

Growing up

2008-10-22T22:00:00.002-04:00

I am ready to wean my son. I have finally gotten to the point that some days, it pisses me off that I have to still nurse. That's not good. I feel agitated at times by the way he yanks up my shirt and dives into my breast. Well it's just starting to feel a bit weird to me. So, we are going to try to have my wife take him to the grandparents for a weekend and hope that my absence will not be a negative, and that being over there will be a distraction. Truth is, there is no real guideline on when to do it or how to do it. Everything I have read says, you will know when it is time, the child can self- wean but some never do, and you just need to make the decision and be consistent. Well, thanks, that helps! I am constantly struggling with the need for me to have my body back and the need for him to have the comforting cuddling and nursing he has known since he took his first breath. I just don't know when it won't be difficult for him and I know that it is starting to get difficult for me. I want to enjoy my child, I don't want to feel agitated when he goes to bed and wants to paw at me, stroke my belly and nurse until my nipple is halfway down his throat. I am not kidding...... and nobody EVER shared any of this with me. I wonder why? I am not sure if I would have REALLY listened anyway but a little foreshadowing would have been nice. So I am looking for some herbs to dry up the breastmilk and we will begin the process in a couple of weeks.

One of my deepest fears

2008-10-08T21:11:00.003-04:00

Today was hell.
I got to work and was catching up on email when I saw Micki's email asking me if I heard that there was a plane crash in nepal. I did not panic at first, even though I knew that Janice was on a trek at Everest and that she flew into the most precarious airport in the world. I assumed she was already there. She left on Monday. But, there was a minor doubt. So the first thing I did was to look for the name of the orphanage that they volunteered and sent an email to beverly to see if she could help me make sense of the news. I then looked at Janice's Blog and zoomed in on the plane and wrote down the name of the airline and the plane number. This plane is tiny, so the planes have numbers that are in view, they are prop planes. Just 20 people inside. I went to the Nepali times online and saw the story and expected to see some weird airline name and an odd plane number. To my horror. it was her airline and the same plane number that was showing on her blog. I immediately went to another place.
In my mind, i was somewhere,I was not in my body. I was out there, somewhere realizing that this could mean that Janice had died. I was devastated. I was at work and I suddenly began wailing and sobbing and screaming. I was in total shock, I just was in shock. There was no way to stop the crying, it had taken me over and was running my life, I could not be "appropriate" could not quiet my sadness for the sake of others, I was just experiencing raw emotion. My friend Trisha offered to call Steph, to have her come pick me up. When she answered the phone, Trisha said, Steph, can you come get Suzanne, Steph shouted, WHATS WRONG! WHATS WRONG! and then I took the phone, I told her that I believed that Janice was in a plane crash and that nobody survived. She began yelling and crying NO! NO! NO! OH MY GOD!, IS SHE DEAD? IS SHE DEAD, I just kept crying and saying I think so, I think so, I am not sure, I don't know. To told her to call my mom and I would be right home. Trisha drove me home and i have no idea how we even got home, I have no recollection of driving home. When we got home, the house was eerie, the baby had no idea why I was home and he was thrilled, mom was tearful and worried, Steph was stoic. We went upstairs to continue to do research, to see if we could figure anything out. If we could determine that she was not on the plane. I was sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, thinking she was really gone. Then Micki called and said that she saw the flight manifest on the airline web page and Janice and Christy were not on the manifest. At first I didn't believe it, i just wanted to hear her voice or touch her or hug her or hold her hand or something, something. Eventually I did realize that she was alive and she was not on the manifest and I needed to comeback to reality and start healing. I just basically for a few hours and kept re-reading the manifest. She was not on the manifest, she was not on the plane she is alive. At that point i shifted to the people who actually did perish in that plane crash. I could be their family, it could have been me grieving for the rest of the day. And the rest of my adult life. Instead, by some miracle I am allowed to continue on living the same life I had yesterday. I get to decide what things to get angry about, whether or not I want to eat sweets or eat something healthy, I get to see my son smile again. I am incredibly blessed!

The ironic part is that Janice is probably trekking in the mountains,having a blast, not even aware of what hell we went through today. No knowledge of our fears, our gripping at the hope that she was alive and the deep loss we were trying to get our head around.

For many reasons, this is day was just impossible. Losing someone i love without being able to talk to them or tell them I love them before they go is my biggest childhood core trigger. It rules my life. This was devastating, to think that I had lost Janice and had never had a chance in the past few weeks to tell her I loved her or how much I value her in my life.

Today I realized that the depth of love I have for my friends is amazing, it is pure, it is more than just friendship.
There is no word for it, it is far more than just friendship, it is far more than family it is not of this place.
It is from another plane of existence. The friends i have in my life, continually remind me how good, goodness can be. They teach me things, they learn from me, we all love together. We all celebrate together and at times, we all grieve together.

I will be forever grateful for the love ad kindness my friends have blanketed me with in my life. I will be forever in awe of the gifts they have brought to me.

Janice has brought me one of these gifts, without her knowledge, she has made an impact on my emotional healing, at the deepest level. Through this Brush with the Oh my god moment!, I have gained a deeper understanding of how I am built. My emotional pain that has been with me my entire life, had a moment of healing, a brief release of some of that pain.

Tonight I will be able to sleep a bit deeper, a bit longer and a bit more adult. My childhood pain has found a soothing balm for the moment. I will never forget this day.

2

2008-10-02T22:34:00.004-04:00

My son is almost 2
In 5 days he will have lived for 2 entire years. Already I am missing his babyhood. I am rejoicing at his toddlerhood, but missing him as a baby. It is weird how this happens. I want him to progress and grow and learn and talk and live a happy and joyous life. But I also want to hold him and cuddle him and protect him. This is something I had no grasp of before I was a parent. I was always thinking, the purpose of having children is to help them become really good people and then send them out into the world. Well sometimes, I think about how safe he will be when he has sex, or if he will know when to stop drinking, when he has had too much or when someone he rode to a party with has had enough. There are so many things to teach him, to guide him, to show him. And yet, I feel like I have already shown him so much. The first 2 years are pretty much non-verbal. They are gestures and silent acknowledgement. They are mostly, simply love. In its purest form. No back talk, or rejection, just love. Gimme gimme gimme, I need I want I need. that is the sum of the first 2 years of his life. I find myself feeling overjoyed that he is progressing already to be a compassionate. sensitive and loving individual. I think that is just his nature. I believe in my heart that he is already the person I hoped he will be. What does the future hold for this delightful and magical 2 year old?

2008-09-23T09:36:00.001-04:00

All of the 20 something's in our life are in trouble. Drug addictions, Dead beat husbands, Apathy, and mental illness. What can you do when the people you love, the 20 something's have an entire life ahead of them, but they have chosen to stop right here. How can you help them? How can you convey that they could have it so much easier than they have it now, if they just took 2-4 years to invest in their future? I am reminded of the errogance of the main character of "Into the Wild"
He thought he knew where his life was going, he was a free spirit, no obligations, no possessions, no nuthin'. Then his "know it all " way of living betrayed him when he made a huge mistake. He didnt realize that the frozen river would be raging river when he was ready to turn back and go home victorious. It cost him his life.

This is a very sad time for us, we have some major issues with the intelligent young people in our lives and we don't know what to do to help them.. is tough love the answer?
Abandonment? Totally enabling them? Where is the line? I default to- well, how does it affect me? How does it impact my life? they are not ASKING for help. They think they are fine, but they are young and stupid.

I remember being stubborn in my 20's but I would still be able to hear the advice. It might take me awhile to come up with the idea on my own, but eventually I would do what the adults in my life suggested. These young adults do not hear us, they do not want any advice, they just want to have people do everything for them. Like pay all their bills, pay for their food and their lodging and their gasoline, so they can support their drug habits. How do we shake them awake?

Garage Sale

2008-09-22T08:48:00.001-04:00

When you have a garage sale, things really come into perspective. Things you wanted to "enhance" your life in some way, have virtually no value. You may have paid $20 for something and you belabored buying it. Thinking, do I really have a need for this? How will it look over the couch? I wonder if the color is right, etc. They suddenly become a mountain of burden that you just want gone so you dont have to touch it anymore. Well this weekend, we had a garage sale and it was a doozy. We made over $1000 dollars. We split the money with my mother in law since she had just as much stuff as we did. We each made about half when all was said and done. $1000 may not seem like a lot of money, but when you start to think that about 60% of the stuff was under a buck, that's a lot of stuff! It was a series of strangers stopping by, becoming momentary friends when they saw we had something in common. Like, Oh I love cows too, or I really love that blue shelf. Does this thing work? and What is this? trying to figure out if they need it. For a moment we seem so much a like. As they drive away with their newfound treasures, feeling joy that they "just got a bargain", another layer of relief blankets me as I realize I never have to decide what to do with that pillow, again! I find it comical and also very deep that there are so many garage sales and so many people looking for so many different things. Do you have a TV? I am looking for twin bed sheets? Any maternity clothes? A shower chair? A portable potty for adults? A wheelchair? A series of yes and no answers that either connect us or separate us. You can learn a lot about a person just by what they are looking for at a garage sale. Some of them just looking for a person to talk to for awhile. Someone to tell about the last "great bargain" they got. In some cases, a connectedness because they have just as much stuff to sell as we do. There is a kinship that blossoms in that moment, Whew, I am not alone, there are others who have just as much stuff as I do. This weekend was a philosophical exercise in what do I need, what do they need and overall what does the world need to be happy. I found that, as usual, everyone needs the same thing. To be loved and to belong. Simple as that.

Septmber 11th 2008, it has been 7 years, does anyone care?

2008-09-10T13:37:00.001-04:00

I have been reading a lot about 9-11 this week.For some reason, since the anniversary of all of those people dying is tomorrow, I feel compelled to know more about what happened and what is happening. I find it so disturbing that there are still so many unanswered questions. The lists of the deceased is overwhelming and then I think of the children. All the children who are without one of their parents and it immediately brings me to my own experience of loss. I wish I could find a way to help those kids. A way to talk with them, explain to them what is in their future. The emotional impact of what they have experienced will not be fully present for many, many years. Then again, what would it help? Would I have wanted to know what my life would be like when I was 30 or 40 from someone whose father died when they were 2? probably not. It's a personal journey, something so terribly painful and personal. About 9-11, I am so frustrated at how "life goes on". Once the story was not "newsworthy" anymore, it disappeared. It feels like a struggle sometimes to keep the topic alive. When I talk about it at work, people say, "oh yeah, it IS 9-11 tomorrow. What the hell! Thousands of people died and people forget? How can that happen. I think this somehow plays into a fear of mine, but I am not yet sure what the fear is. The fear of being forgotten? I dont think so, it doesn't feel right. i cant place it. Maybe it is a fear of not being acknowledged for the severe and debilitating loss I experienced. I think that might be it. People, society just expects those of us who have experienced this kind of loss to just move on. To get through it and to stop talking about it because it is uncomfortable. I know it is uncomfortable, but what do you do with all this pain? How do I shake it, or make it part of me, or integrate it? At this time, especially, I feel so sad for losing my dad, and I feel so sad for those kids who have lost their parents. The sadness is stinging and dark and lonely and empty and constant.

vacation

2008-09-02T21:46:00.004-04:00

Well we left our neighborhood on Thursday evening, I was thinking it would be easy, since it would be night time and all the books say that when you drive at night, your child will sleep. Uh, No- They have not met my son.
We started out getting food from burger king veggie burgers and apple fries. They are just apples, cut into a fry shape but he thinks they are something really special. Burger King is brilliant, far smarter than Good ole Ron mcdonald. Anyhow, we are driving and things are going fairly well, he is getting tired and we are watching the sun set as we drive. Well, my son is still nursing, so night time mean nursing before bedtime. He held out for about 2 hours, complaining, whining, throwing every toy he had, watched his video 3 times, still no sleep. finally we stopped for gas, I let him nurse and he passed out. Until, I put back into his carseat. WAHHHHH! now he is really crying and complaining and i am trying to decide what to do. Against my better judgment, i took him out of the carseat, and made a mini bed on the seat of the van, laid him on it and let him nurse, in second, he was asleep.
Ahhh blissful quiet and sleep, i had to keep looking back like every 2 second to make sure he was not rolling over, and then out the window to make sure nobody was careening across 4 lanes f traffic to slam into us, but he was asleep. It was all very relaxing, NOT! Once we got to my sisters, I carried him into the bed, plopped him down and he kept sleeping, he was exhausted. The next day we woke up late and took a 3 hour nap, it was wonderful!

This weekend,he was really expanding his vocabulary. here is what he is sayin these days:
nani- mommy
Dadi- momma
gaga-baba
gigi- gammy/gampy
haier-Javier
dudido-jupiter
nuna-luna
didi-aunt cindy
unco dis- uncle vince
turki-turkey
duk-duck
cow
durdl-turtle
owsigh- outside
dadur-water
onkie-monkey
atulfyes-apple fries
more
eat
nighnigh-night night
mine
me
dux-lux
dye dye- bye bye
hi
oops
no
yesh-yes
cayou-caillou
diky mous - mickey mouse
moush-mouse
housh-house
one
dooo- two
teee- three
yawr-four
die-five
teeet-treat
gapes-grapes
dost-toast
gake-cake

I think those are all the words he can say

This weekend, we had coffee cake at my sisters house, he takes a bite and says, mmmmm, didi's gake. then he looks at the glass and says didi's dadur (water). then he points out the window and says didi's dower (flower). He totally knew he was at his aunt cindy's house. I was amazed. In the morning when he woke up, he took a dee breath and whispered in his little toddler voice, didi's housh. He did not know we were up yet, so he kept saying it, and then he looked over at my wife and said, dadi- didi's housh, then she says good morning, to which he replied, norning... and then flashes us a huge bright smile.
I love being his nani.

2008-08-27T15:15:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow we are going to my sisters house in Traverse City for the long weekend. I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. I started thinking about why it feels so different to be away and why it feels so realxnig? And most importantly, why I cannot get to that sense of relaxation right here in the present. It's interesting how we train the mind to let go while we are on vacation. Who started that? I find it funny that I am able to let myself be in the moment when I am on vacation, but it is very challenging to be in the moment when I am at home. Just being in the moment is a challenge at work, and I cant figure out why. My mind wanders, I begin to think about all of the other things I could be doing, would rather be doing, should be doing, etc. But I don't think like that when I am on vacation. There is no talk about, hmmmm I really shouldn't be sitting here reading this book when I could be walking to get ice cream. Or, well I guess I can't hang out on the beach too much longer, I have site seeing to do. I just don't get it.

I am going to try today, living my life as if I am on vacation, that everything I choose to do in a day is enjoyable and I choose to do it. I have choices, I could stay in bed instead of go to work. I could sleep instead of play with my son, I could do yard work instead of make dinner. There are all choice aren't they?
What do you think?

The new family

2008-08-22T19:02:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we go to Canada to meet little boy's big sister. She is 6 months older than him and has the same donor. We are choosing to call his siblings, sister, brother,etc not half sister or half brother. It is an interesting feeling preparing for this. We have been talking to all the other moms, there are 4 others, for over a year. Once lives in California, one lives in North Carolina, two live in Texas soon to be having twin boys, and one lives in canada, used to live in Connecticut. This is kinda cool, it's like he has family all over the country. Well, he does have family all over the country. We are all very similar in our parenting styles and our engagement level with our kids. This is remarkable to me. We are from so many different places and yet we are similar. I suppose it is because we are not all that different from one another. In our world, we create differences where there are none, in many cases.

We are excited about meeting his sister and her mom, we are also a little sad that he is not "just ours" anymore. We are beginning to share him with the rest of his family. We plan to take lots of pictures.

mowing the lawn

2008-08-07T09:30:00.002-04:00

I got home yesterday to a thrilled little boy. I came in through the back door, he heard me and came running into the kitchen and i came walking into the living room around the other way, so we missed each other. I turned around and he came slamming into me with the biggest grin! I picked him up and kissed him about 10 times, he said na-ni, garble-de booly, cars! I think he wanted to tell me something about his cars! So I said, wow, you played with cars today? cool, then he wanted to show me something that my mom brought to him, so he said, ga-ga, ga-ga, and pointed to my mom (he calls her Ga-Ga for baba). She came over to me with this clear plastic bottle that had a lady bug in it. In actually I think it was a japanese beetle because it was orange and lady bugs are red,but I went along with it. Oooohhh lady bug, wow, then he holds the bottle and he pulls it really close to his face and gazes at it for like, 3 minutes, which is a long time for a 2 year old. Then he says ouside, ouside, mom tells me he wants to let it go outside. So we go outside and I open the lid, the lady bug crawls to the top of the container and hangs out there for a second or two, then jumps onto the deck, he is amazed! he looks at me with these brilliant eyes and says, WOW! then the lady bug takes flight and flys away...... Well, he wasnt aware of that, so he then makes a very serious frown face and starts complaining. GARBLETHEUTHUGOSE, SHOEURHGLMASNDOT, Uh-OH! I tell him that the lady bug flew away and thats ok. We go back in the house. A few minutes later he is very concerned about the lady bug again and grabs my hand and walks me to the back door, to let him go see where the lady bug went. So I oblige. We walk outside, this time he walks down the steps of the deck, and makes a beeline for his lawn mower, the smaller version of the grown up lawnmower. He begins pushing the lawnmower and I am amazed how he is mimicking what we do. My father in law cuts the grass on tuesdays when they come to babysit and he must watch him the whole time. He is pushing it forward then doubling back, then pushing it forward, then walking in a pattern and the entire time he is not looking at anything but the grass. He IS cutting the grass. No doubt in his mind. I watched him for 20 minutes, I am not kidding, 20 minutes, pushing the lawnmower. Then I was getting hungry, so I said hey, let's go inside and get some watermelon. He looks at me, considers the offer and decides that he will. So he pushes the lawnmower into "its" spot, wherever that is, than comes up the stairs, looks at me, pushes the doorhandle and says, ne-non. ne-non. I say watermelon? He shakes his head yes and we go inside....... I know these stories are not that remarkable. I know they are just simple toddler stories that are most likely the same for every family who has ever had a toddler, but to me these stories are the cake of life. The rich, sweet, delectable moments of childhood that my son will appreciate when he is wondering what kind of kid he was. These are the stories I will refer back to when I am missing his baby years, and when he is learning to drive, or getting married or leaving for college.

The library

2008-08-05T14:04:00.002-04:00

So, we took little boy to the library yesterday and he had a blast. He was doing all of the puzzles in record time, it is amazing how skilled he is at puzzles. He can assemble them without pictures behind them, he just manipulates the pieces until they fit and he doesn't give up if he doesn't get it right. It's impressive. He found a book he wanted to check out but didn't want to leave the puzzle area. Since we are trying not to bribe him evryday wtih ice cream, I tried another angle. I said, hey lets go give the book to the lady and she can scan it and then we can take it home for awhile. He was agreeable. Carried the book to the elevator, held the book with both hands, it covered his body from chin to knees, it was a larger picture book with lots to look at. he loves this book, so he sat down on the floor of the elevator, read the book until we made it to the first floor, got up, walked out of the elevator and said laaadddyy. i told we had to use our inside voice in the library and he began to whisper, llllaaaddddyyy. then we made our way tot he coutner, he handed the book to the lady with a reluctant smile, like, hey, uh, you are gonna give that back, right? She scanned it, handed it back and he said in a very proud voice Taann oouuu, which means thank you. Then took the book from her, sat down on the floor and continued reading. We finally left the library and he held thebook most of the way home. What precious innocence. I love seeing him be so in love with books. It reminds me why I love to read so much! When you read, you can go anywhere, create anything and enjoy the ride. All in a few hours and then nod off to sleep. It's the BEST.

Slide

2008-07-29T22:13:00.002-04:00

I remembered that my boss gave us a toddler slide when I was pregnant and we sent it up to my inlaws to store until little boy got bigger. Well he's bigger and they brought it to us today. This guy LOVES the slide. Either that or he loved us all staring at him and applauding when he would slide. I'm sure he enjoyed both things thoroughly. It's a cute slide,little tikes, just big enough for a 2 year old. He went up and down the slide about 20 times outside, then we brought into the living room and he went up and down the slide another 20 or more times, first he put two pillows at the bottom of the slide so e would not get an owie. I am amazed by this, I mean ohow many kids know to do that at his age? Anyhow, he then decided that Na-ni (me) and Da-Di ( Steph) had to slide down the slide as well. it's not our size but we pretended. He sent his cars down the slide, his trains, the ball, more cars and then began combining the cars together, so 2 cars could go down together. Then he would point to himself and babble something and then slide down. It was very cute. We videotaped it and he was a ham. Then he decided to bounce on the ball,like a yoga ball in mini size. he is gonna have massive ab muscles, do you know how strong your abs have to be to bounce like that? Anyways, I was thinking about how much fun it must be to slide down the slide, carefree, expecting to arrive somewhere different than the last time, loving the security of the ground beneath. i think I will slide more often, there is a certain feeling of freedom when you let it all go and just sliiiiide.

Sitter shopping

2008-07-28T21:37:00.003-04:00

So we decided that we should try to find a sitter for intermittent needs and for a date night every now and then.
My wife is more freaked out than me, but I have to say that whenever I hear of a kid disappearing,I worry that maybe it's not time for a sitter yet. Anyways, we had our first interview with this really nice woman, she is 39, loves kids, is very calming and the pets loved her. But, and there is a big but. She talked to us for 2 1/2 hours! about other peoples problems. These are not her problems, these are her clients problems,and I find that rude and offensive. My son was surprising comfortable with her, as soon as she came in, he warmed up to her in about 10 minutes which is pretty amazing, considering that he doesn't even do that, that quickly with people he has known his entire life. So, we listened, watched her interact with him, made mental judgments, etc. Then I went to put him to bed, thinking she would stay a few more minutes and then excuse herself. When I came back downstairs she was still here. Sat and listened again so another hour and a half. Ok, here's the thing. I get very little time with my wife. We rarely get early bedtimes. My son decided to go to bed an hour early, and I was very excited. I was actually going to get to talk to my wife about life and still have time to do some things around he house before going to bed. I know, it sounds like I am complaining. Well, I am. Don't you think that someone who has been a babysitter for 17 years would get that when we gethome, we want to be together and making a space for her and an interview was generous of us. An that she should make herself scarce after all of the important stuff was discussed? I mean, it's not like we invitedher over for a visit. This was an interview! Oh I am so pissed. I guess I shoudl be grateful, she talked herself right out of the job. We would have hired her if she hadn't kept blabbing on and on about her other clients kids, divorces, poor daycare situations,their finances, their custody agreements, their autistic children.... Oh I am so not even kidding! She actually told us more than that. Two things bug me. 1. I do not want her talking to anyone about our lives that way and 2. It is totally disrespectful to eat up my time like that. I just lost 2 1/2 hours I can never get back. Damn. What would you have said? anyone?I am wondering if we should let her down easy or just be blatantly honest. Look, we loved you, we think you would be great with our son, but you just talked too much and we want someone who has better boundaries and can pick up on the cues we are giving you, like yawning, getting up from our seats, excusing ourselves to go do other things.... and still you are talking! You need to listen more and talk less. or should we just say, sorry we are not going to hire anyone right now, we changed or minds. and lie.

I don't know, I am not sure, but one thing is for sure, the next interview will be at starbucks, for 1 hour and the baby will not be there.
Sooo disgusted!

jasmine

2008-07-23T08:26:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, we had to eutahnize jasmine, our sweet little tabby cat. She was 16 and had been in our lives for 14 years. Here is her story:

I had just recently separated from my soon to be ex-husband. I could not take our two dogs with me because I moved into an apartment. Just 2 months prior to me moving out, the cat we had for 8 years, started getting sick, he had crystals in his urinary tract. My ex-husband took him to the vet for a check up and called me when he got home to tell me that he had to put Cheebah to sleep, the doctor said he was not able to help him. I knew this was mostly BS and that he was just being mean, since he knew we were separating and I loved that cat, more than him!
So, i was very angry and devastated. The day I moved out, I was a mess, i had to say goodbye to my two dogs and I was not sure when I would get them. I planned to get them within a year, once I got a house. But it would be awhile before i saw them again. Being in an apartment by myself was difficult, I could only hear silence, and the creaking of the stairs outside my door. it was eerily quiet for me and so after 2 weeks I decided I would get a pet. Cats were allowed and I loved cats. So, I went to the humane society in auburn hills, looking for a cat. I had no idea what kind of cat I wanted, I just knew I would connect with someone. Well I walked into the Cat room and there she was, now, there were 20 cages with cats in them, all different ages, sizes and colors but I was drawn to her. She had the most incredibly green eyes I had ever seen. Her eyes seemed as if they were lit from behind and were a deep lime green. Just beautiful. I asked, what about this cat? Is she fixed? how old? Why is she here? I was told, she is fixed, she is 1 1/2 years old, the family surrendered her because their kids were harrassing her and they felt bad for her. her name was Tammy! lol. I was like oh, tammy, well thats doesn't fit her at all.
I asked to hold her, she came home with me that afternoon. I named her Jasmine after princess jasmine from the disney movie Aladdin, that princess has bright green eyes and it just seemed to fit her perfectly. I brought her to my apartment and she immediately jumped up on the couch and started purring, she never hid, she never acted nervous or uneasy. She was "at home". Those of you with cats know that this was very unusual, most cats slink around and investigate for a few hours at least, if not a few days and then hide under something until they know that things are ok. She just knew we were meant to be together. When Stephanie and I began seeing each other, she would walk around the apartment and cry for me, like she was looking for me, Steph would call her and pet her and tell her I was coming home soon. She did that for years. She would sometimes just be in the middle of the living room and if we were in the back part of the house, she would all of a sudden cry out, meow? meow? until I came in the room to tell her I was still here, then she would swipe up against my leg and walk away. She had been through many many pets, fosters and overnight stays. We had Zoey, harley, rocky, rudy, gracie, jupiter, venus, haley, emily and katie, shiloh, moosie, larry and of course the baby.
Everytime she would just look at me with this stare and scrunched up nose as if to say, I rather prefer the three of us, but I will tolerate them because I love you. She was a loving adorable kitty. She would walk up to Jupiter and rub all over her face and legs, asking Jupiter to pet her. Sometimes we would lift Jupiters paw and pet jasmine and jasmine loved that. They had a special bond. Last week. She was looking very sick, she had lost a bunch of weight and I was just wondering what is going on. Over the weekend, she got really bad and thin and stopped eating from what I can tell. By monday night she not walking anymore and was stationery on her cat bed. She had a few accidents upstairs and we think it was because she could not walk down the stairs anymore. By the time I got her to the vet on Tuesday morning, she was barely alive. Her breathing was very shallow, her eyes were stuck open, she was not blinking and her whiskers were not working anymore. They were not moving like antenna at the slightest touch. The doctor said, there is really nothing we can do for her. She is too far gone. We are not sure why. Most likely kidney failure or diabetes. but it is hard to say. So I made the decision to let her go.She weighed 7 lbs. I held her for a long time, and told her how much I loved her, what a great friend she had been, how lucky I was to have her and I thanked her for all of her love. I sang the song to her that we sang to her, "jaaazz man, take my blues away". She went quickly, as soon as they injected her with the pink serum that looks like dishwashing liquid. I had my hand on her heart and I felt it stop. Jasmine was my friend when I had nobody else, she just a loving spirit who was brought to me my someone and who made a huge difference in my life. I always knew when something was wrong. Like one time, we bought the automatic cat litter box, after 2 days she started peeing outside the box, a week later, she pooped right on the couch, there was no mistaking that she was not happy. I was like, hmm she trying to tell us something, I discovered that she was afraid of the automatic box. $150 litter box went into the trash the very next day!
I will miss her, I will miss her love and he striking green eyes. When I brought her home from the vet after she died, my son saw her in the blanket and began to babble in a sympathetic way, he had a sad face and was saying dye,dye Thats how he says goddbye. I think that sums it up. Dye Dye jazzie

BIG BOY BED

2008-07-15T22:32:00.002-04:00

Well this weekend we decided that it was time to get little boy his own bed. it is still in our room and it is right next to our bed and he can get to us with ease. It has made sleeping easier for all of us. Steph is back in our bed, rather than sleeping in another room, which is very comforting and adds to our intimacy. it is amazing how just being able to touch her arm while we sleep gives me a sense of calm and rightness in my heart. I was very happy to have her back, with her arms around me and snoring in my ear.. haha... Seriously though, life is whizzing by. I cant believe that our son is sleeping in a twin sized bed. It was just last week, I swear it was just a week ago when he got his first tooth. Now he is in his own, one of many in his lifetime, bed. It is so bittersweet, seeing him become another step more independent. Still, I feel like I can help him and protect him from the pain and fears that will inevitable creep in to our delightful flower garden like intrusive weeds in the grass. I have the power, and the control to save him from many, many things. And yet, a part of me is overjoyed with his independence. It think being a parent might make you a little schizophrenic, or just a little crazy. I feel like most of the time I want him to grow and progress and discover and become. Then there are a few moments every so often when I think, wait, I wasn't done with that yet. I just wanted one more bite... There was still a crumb or two left on the plate. I am hoping that he can sleep in his big boy bed in our room for awhile. We are comfortable with how things are right now, and I would never begin again and choose not to co-sleep. It is the best thing for him. I know that and I was very happy to make the space for him, so was Steph. We are just feeling that we have the ability to length the distance between us and him, just a smidge.

Anniversary

2008-07-13T21:45:00.003-04:00

Steph and I had our 14 year anniversary on July 10th. Wow, I cannot believe it has already been 14 years, nor can I believe that I am 40. I am so lucky to have her. She is the silver lining. Whenever my life seems to be spinning out of control, I always look to her for guidance, support and love. We met with some much needed help from beyond. We both believe that the angels were at work, we were so dysfunctional and so needy. Well i was more needy than she was, but we were both dysfunctional. Each of us had a lot of baggage and we have a ton of stuff to learn about each other. The first day I ever heard her voice, I knew she was the one. I knew I had found my true love. I feel like she fits me so well that when there is ever a thought of her not being in my life, I ache all over. I have spent the last 14 years breathing her in at night, gazing at her in the morning light, and touching he soft petal skin. There have been times when our fights have put so much distance between us that we both felt like we were on the edge of a cliff with the soil crumbling beneath us. There have been times when we have felt so connected that we felt like we were one person. She knows what I think, what I feel how I see the world, how I fit into the world, and what I like on my garden burgers. She will always know me better than anyone else because I am totally authentic with her. My love for her is intense and powerful. I married her 4 years ago on our 10year anniversary and i felt different as soon as the ceremony was a thought. I remember feeling very nervous and excited and hopeful and it was so funny to me because we were already together for 10 years, but it was different. Having all of our family and friends there, and we were making our commitment in front f all of them Suddenly it felt very serious. Once we drove home from Canada, we were no longer legally married, but in our hearts and in our relationship we are married and will be forever. Stephanie and I have always known we would be together forever, we have never given up on each other and we have never tried to live by anyone else's expectations. We live this life together so well. Some day, long from now, I will think back to the first time I ever heard her voice and I will relive those moments. All of them.

vocabulary

2008-07-13T21:37:00.003-04:00

The language of a 21 month old is very interesting and unusual. It is adamant, determined and also a bit insecure. But he tries. Lately he has made huge strides in language. He says didi for my sister cindy, he says gaga for my mom who is actually called Baba. he says Cow, Cat, Doggy, No, car, donkey, eat, ice cream which actually comes out i....e..... but we all know what he means when he says, its sing songy, there is no mistaking it. He says bye bye, hi, there it is, WOW, Whoa!, outside, ouch and sit down. These are all uttered in syllables, not actually words, but what happens when you are around him a lot is, your brain fills in the gaps and so it actually sounds like real words, but people who do not talk to him very often just look at me with a blank stare and say, uh, what? So I know there are not a lot of words there, but to us, he is talking, a lot! Having language is such an incredible tool. When I watch him learn the words and try to say them, I totally get why I have still not learned Spanish! I have tried, but I only end up with a few words. My brain has gotten to the point where I discriminate the sounds and there is no way to just go back and try talking like my son does. I cannot simply say the syllables with the intention of the word and have someone fill in the blanks for me. But, this is an incredible gift we give our children, the encouragement and patience it takes to try to understand everything he is saying so he can communicate is definitely one of the most loving things I have ever done.

vacation

2008-07-13T21:30:00.002-04:00

We took our first vacation of the summer at the end of June. We went to my sister and brother in law's house in Traverse City. We stayed for 5 days, it was a really nice break. We had my mom and the dogs with us, plus our son and all of his gear. So, when we got there, he spent the first evening being very uneasy around my sister and my brother in law. I think it is amazing how kids are so cautious about people at this age, but are fearless in every other aspect of their lives. I have seen my son climb up on a table that is 3 feet off the ground with glee and sit on top of it with a smirk that says, hey- see I told you I would be fiiiine. But when it comes to new people, forget it! He is a total clingy velcro strip. Well the visit went really well, we went to the beach, he loved the water and the sand and the potato chips. We went to a dairy farm when he saw his first live cow, and he exclaimed! COW!
it was really cool. We als had an afternoon to ourselves as my sister and mom watched for us so we could have grown up time, which was like a drink of ice cold water on a hot summer's day. We really need to make more time for ourselves as grown ups and begin to let others watch him more often.
Overall it was a lovely vacation, a little bit of rain, a little bit of fudge, lots of watermelon and a few priceless pictures on the beach. I find myself appreciating the smallest things these days.

bab evolves

2008-06-27T22:42:00.003-04:00

Today my friend Kelly came over for dinner with her family. She and her wife are expecting their second child. Their first child is 6. Kelly is an amazing mom and her wife Janet is too. Kelly became partnered after she has raised her daughter for 4 years by herself. She is a total delight and I have loved her since she was conceived. She is born the day after and I feel like she was sent here from some place to bring laughter and creativity to the world. Well, She is also an incredible artist. She brought her artwork from art camp and I was very impressed by her color combinations, her composition and her expression of feelings. I am now sitting in a quiet house with a sleeping child, wife, dogs and cats. The only thing that is not sleeping is me. I am not sleeping because I am thinking about how different my life is now and I remember anticipating my son's arrival. I could not wait for him to get here. We would just talk to him all the time about how we wanted him to come and how everyone was so excited to meet him and that we were so happy he was coming. While Kelly was here, the baby was moving all over the place, trying to get comfortable, stretching out one leg, then shoving her rear up in the air and then spinning downward. After they left, I remembered how magical that time was while we were waiting. I miss those times, I miss having him in my belly and feeling his every move. There was so much comfort in knowing that he was in there, safe and fed and warm and needing nothing. I felt so close to him, we were truly one. Once he came out I can remember those first few months, just staring at him, watching him breathe, watching his little lips purse in a suckling motion. I remember his tiny little finger clutching my huge pinkie finger like it was his only grasp on reality. Don't get me wrong, he is still dependent,but not like that. Many days, I am so grateful that he is independent, that he can walk on his own, that he can show me what he wants to eat, that he can play by himself long enough for me to pee. But some days, when the house is quiet, and the lights are dim, I lay and think about what it was like having him inside of me, the telepathic conversations we used to have, his first breath and the first time he ever looked at me and I miss that.

What's right is right

2008-06-24T21:46:00.003-04:00

Racial discrimination in the workplace is something that many of us are bystanders to. I was a witness to some very racially motivated derogatory comments and I felt that I had to do something about it. I reported the guy to HR. He is pretty high up at the company and he has quite bit of clout. He's one step down from a VP. He's been around for 20years+ and you would think he would know better. But I guess there are assholes at every level. Anyways, I reported him, an investigation was opened, many were interviewed and the investigation has not been closed yet. They are still talking to people. The thing is, this guy ignores me now, it makes it very difficult to work because I am being ignored. I do not work directly for him, so its not that big of a deal but i see him everyday. His office is right outside my desk. The biggest issue I have is, he was wrong, not me, but in our society, for some reason, I feel bad, I feel like I should have given him another chance to mess up before I reported him, but I know it was the right thing to do. There should never be a time when racial discrimination is acceptable. I know, it happens, but I cannot stand by and watch it happen and be silent. It feels like I am participating if I do not stop the slurs. I suppose he will try like hell to avoid me and it will just be the way it is, but I really don't like working like that. In times like these, I think about Mr. Schindler, Martin Luther King, Jr, and Bobby Kennedy. It's never popular to do what is right when everyone around you is too concerned with their own safety to stop the behavior. I know I was brought here to make people wake up and be professional. I hope I can spend the rest of my time here having fun and enjoying my job. Soon I will not have to work here anymore when I open the business, I just need to keep remembering that this job is a means to an end. Nothing more.

more kids?

2008-06-19T20:47:00.003-04:00

Kids are incredibly fulfilling and challenging at the same time. I feel so selfish because I just do not want anymore kids. Maybe someday, we will adopt another child, maybe in a couple of years my perspective will change. I mean, there was a time when I wanted no kids. Obviously that has changed and I am thrilled that I did get to the point that I actually yearned for a child. To have my son in my life is a whirlwind of excitement, isolation, happiness, sadness, fulfillment and emptiness all at once. I am feeling so relieved that he is getting so much easier. I have to be honest, I sometimes dream about the day that he will be able to get his own meals, feed himself, go to the potty, read, write and talk all on his own. It's not that I don't enjoy motherhood, I do, I love it. I just want a portion of me to remain. I am more than a mother, I am Suzie and I have an identity that goes far beyond mom. I think this is coming up for me for a few reasons. 1. Many strangers ask me, so when are you having another one? Usually it is right after they tell me how beautiful my son is. When I say, oh no we're done, they look at me like I have just stolen their hope for more beautiful people in the world! And then they usually say, oh to bad, he is so beautiful. 2. My friends Mick and Annie are going to have another child, they want another child as soon as possible. Their son is not yet 2 months old. I remember feeling like I wanted another baby when my son was that age. I respect their decision, but I am just not in that space to have more kids right now. I have actually been less supportive than I should be, I mean I guess I have just been cynical and I should not be, it' s not my life. I love them, they are family to us, and I should celebrate their excitement and anticipation, not discourage them. 3. Many coworkers ask me repeatedly when we are having number 2. To which my response is, Uh, no, no number 2. Then I have to listen to 20 minutes of reasons why I should have another child, mostly it is guilt ridden questioning, such as, Well, what are you gonna do, just raise one child? Won't he be lonely? It's not really fair to only have one child. The child needs a companion. All of these questions I answer with a smile. Yes, just one child, He wont be lonely unless he spends his childhood living alone, Oh yeah you're right, its not fair to give him everything he needs without struggling, maybe having a sibling would be more adversity than he is interested in. I guess I find it very presumptuous for people to offer their opinions about my life. This wouldn't be so bad if I were asking for advice. But I am not. I am very content being the mom of 1 for now and I am happy to keep a tiny little spot open for the possibility of having another child someday. I wonder what my son would say if he could tell me what his life is supposed to be like. I cannot envision splitting myself in 3rds (4ths actually) I am split in 3rds right now. one 3rd for my son, one 3rd for my wife and one 3td for me. Actually its more like one half for my son, one quarter for my wife and one quarter for me, yes that's more realistic. Most days it is challenging to decide if I will get sleep, clean the kitchen, or just lay on the couch for an hour with nobody needing anything from me. If i had to split myself in 4ths I think I would disappear. Maybe this is the real issue, I don't want to get placed so far back in the drawer that I disappear. Right now, I am just feeling like I am able to reacquaint myself with me. I think I would like to see what my life looks like now, before I add another child.

daysh

2008-06-16T21:29:00.002-04:00

There is a new word in my sons vocabulary, it is Daysh.
It means yes, he was saying NO to everything, even the stuff he did want, so I decided that I would offer yes and see if it stuck. When I asked him a question like, do you want juice, he would say NO, then I would say, can you say yes? his reply was Daysh. and then a gentle up and down head shake. So sweet.
I realized today that there are so many words he says that are not words to anyone else except for us.
Here is a sampling of his latest vocal achievements.

NO- obviously NO
Daysh- yes
Da-Di- what he calls stephanie
Aweee- sorry
yow yow- the sound a cat makes
growwwwllll- the sound a lion makes
dagum- he calles me this, this week
geek- not sure what this means but he uses it to communicate something while pointing with distinction
tanooou- thank you
eeeeeee- i want that
EeEeEe- i WANT that
EEEEEE- I want you to do it

thats all I can think of right now
I will teach him to say Peace and namaste next week

Dear Dad

2008-06-16T21:09:00.002-04:00

Dear Dad,
Today is the 39th fathers day I have spent thinking about you. This year, I am deeply empty inside for the loss of you. I feel your presence around me all of the time, I see your smile in mine and in my son's. I can almost see you sometimes. These almosts don't really add up to much. They are ways that I have derived to cope, simply cope with the canyon of loss I feel without you here. In my lifetime I have only had a very small slice of you. Not even one and 1/2 years. I was 15 months old when you died. What could I possibly do with that? When I was growing up, I used to wish for you, I just knew that you were lost somewhere or that you had been injured, got amnesia and forgot that you had us three girls at home waiting for you. The space in my heart is filled with cobwebs of old desires, wishes, dreams, and what ifs that never happened. They are just flapping in the wind of my mind waiting for a large enough gust to blow them away into the atmosphere. What do these weighted thoughts serve? What do they possibly offer me as an adult with a child? I am not sure. I only know that each father's day, I am reminded that I have spent my entire life without one. Not a day that I can remember did I laugh with you, feel your touch, your hug, the roughness of your hand after a days work. I have felt none of these things. The sound of your laugh is only a vague sound that I have fabricated, to soothe my echoing mind, the sound of your laugh so quiet, and so elusive. In the foreground of my mind, I hear the crashing sound of emptiness and pain. How do I measure the vastness of the space between you and me? There have been times that I have felt so close to you that I did not even know the space was there, but they are always so short lived. The day you sent stephanie to me, the day my son took his first breath. So few days. In my heart I know you are always with me, in my mind I analyze why people say that, what do they think it is really soothing by saying that? It is jut not true. I cannot feel you here, You are here in my mind and in my heart and in spirit and yet I feel the loneliness of not having you here. Mostly I feel the loneliness. On this day I also feel so relieved that our relationship has not gotten eaten up by materialism and the acquiring of things. I have never bought you one gift, I have never had to walk the aisles of the local discount store looking for something you "need". I have only ever given you the gift of my undying love, the pent up desire for just one hug. That is what I give to you. In the night, when my son is sleeping and I feel the softness of his breath on the hair of my arm, I wonder, are you here?, have you seen me?, are you proud of me? I will never know, this hole I have dug and fertilized and prepared for your tree of life, will never be planted in the soil. It will be a hole that will eventually erode, slip inward and blend into the earth.

Faith

2008-06-12T21:51:00.002-04:00

Today I am feeling somewhat lost in the universe. There is a part of me that is shriveling and crumbling and I am not sure how to breathe new life into that space. My faith in God is stagnant. I mean, I have faith, I guess it is mor feeling of floating with no grounding force. It is something that my wife and I have struggled with off and on for many years. There is an ebb and flow that moves us close to and then away from spiritual happiness and spiritual growth. A few years ago, we were going to a church that we were really enjoying. I was enjoying it more than my wife was. There was a break from that place and a break from the deep feeling of connectedness that I was beginning to settle into. I have been searching for something that speaks to me. Yoga is a huge help. It has allowed me to find clarity and self acceptance that I never thought I was capable of. But, yoga still leaves me with a space for something, I am not sure what, but something. I read a book by Krishnamurti, and it was about how the seeking is the biggest distraction. The more you seek the more elusive the answer becomes. It is really hard to go through life everyday with a feeling that there is no spiritual safety. In reality, I am not sure if I am looking for a church or just a community of like minded people. We are in a space in our lives again where our friends have thinned out. The constants are still there, but there are no peripherals. That can leave us feeling isolated and alone and disconnected. I wonder why there is a need to have a circle of people around us who are living similarly. I suppose it comes down to belongingness. A way to feel "one" with others. I find myself thinking about finding a new religion. A way to explore the possibilities of what might make sense for me and there is a deep feeling of fear and guilt hat comes to the surface. I believe that I am Christian but I also believe that other religions may make more sense to me than the religion I was raised following. Orthodox. This is something that I try to reconcile and always hit a wall. I believe that I am faithful, I believe in the law of attraction, karma, universal consciousness, universal love and understanding. I believe some things that are jewish, krishna, buddhist, christian. How do you blend all fo those religious theologies into something that makes sense in my everyday life. Practicing a little bit of each, feels too diluted and only practicing christianity feels imbalanced. I want little boy to grow up with a healthy knowledge of many different religions, not just the ones that make sense to me, but the ones that make sense to him. I feel like it is my responsibility t give him the option to choose what he resonates with. But, I don't even know what resonates with me, so I feel ill-equipped to teach him. Prayer feels contrived at times and not praying feels uncomfortable. What is the answer?

Words

2008-06-03T11:41:00.003-04:00

Before I had a child, I used to think it would be so awesome for my pets to be able to tell me what was going on with them. Are you sick? Are you hungry? Do you hurt somewhere? Are you tired? Do you need help? And they would just tell me what was going on. It seemed was so heart wrenching to know there was something wrong with my darling pet, and I could not to anything to soothe them, or help them or make things easier or better for them.

Well, fast forward 20 months. Now I have the same problem with my child. He is not talking yet, so everyday there are a series of rituals we have to go through to determine what his needs are.

This weekend was extremely challenging, he was totally inconsolable for about half of the weekend. I'm not exaggerating! It was hell. He would be playing and happy and then, for no apparent reason, just stand up and start sobbing, I mean soooobbbbbiiiinnnnggg. Just totally losing it, and it wasn't because of any specific issue. Well, that lead me to a series of questioning, Are you hungry? WAHHHHH!!! are you scared?, What baby? Are you thirsty? WWAAAAAHHHHH! Honey, are you sore somewhere? Did you hurt your leg? Is your tummy aching? WWWAAAHHHHHHHH! Ok, just come here and let mommy hold you while you cry, maybe that will make you feel better. this went on for hours. At one point we thought, hmmmm maybe we should go to the ER, it seems like something is really wrong, but we cannot figure out what! Then, it hit me, he's overtired. I remembered reading a chapter in this book about sleep that said that when kids are over tired, they become irrational, just like adults. They begin to respond to things in a way that seems out of character for them. This is usually something you realize after several days of confusing behavior which leaves the mom and the kid feeling frustrated and wiped out. I wish he were at the point in his communication that he can say, Mom, I want to eat, can we get pizza? I want to be able to talk to him and hear his responses and provide him what he is trying to ask for. Right now, it is just a series of signs, questions, facial expressions and hopefully smiles, when i get it right. I feel so motivated to try to give him the best childhood experience I can, I want to look back on this time as a time of great awareness and learning for me. I am starting to believe that he is more mysterious than the pyramids. Just when I feel like i can't take it anymore, I look into his eyes and he gives me this precious smirk, the one I have seen before that says, hey, I love you, thanks and I am so glad you get me. All in one glance. At that moment., time stands still, I look around and wonder, Am i on camera? is this really happening? How can I be so lucky? Being a mother is a blessing, the greatest blessing I have ever known. At times it is overwhelming, but it is amazing how I don't really remember it for very long. It passes, quickly and with no residual damage. In it's place comes a deep feeling of love and appreciation. I feel so totally grateful for the moments we have already spent together, even the non-verbal moments, which I know, someday I will long for. The innocence of his life is so glaringly obvious, I want him to always have that drive to learn and communicate and still be able to sit quietly and listen to his inner voice and communicate from his inner voice. This is the irony isn't it?

The right time

2008-06-03T11:25:00.002-04:00

Some people would thinkthat a pay cut would be a serious hit to the bank account. I do think that it will be hard,but I see it as a motivator. I really want to start this business of mine. I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I want to be able to walk away from this job, knowing that I did everything I could, to make my life better here and had no other choice,but to leave. I think it is interesting that in the midst of trying to start a business, I am getting a paycut. This is all rumored to be at least 5% but could be as high as 10%. One of the reasons, it sucks to be a contractor is for reasons like this. You have no control over your financial health when things like this hit you in between the eyes. Last night I was a little discouraged, thinking about the immediate changes that will have to happen, cancel the cable, no more pedicures, maybe no cell phone, but today I am encouraged. I think it is a great way to see things as they are and be able to say, you know this is ok, for now, but I have bigger plans, and my plans don't depend on this job. My plans are far more about the future than they are about the moment. Although if you live in the moment for the moment, you find that the future really is not all that important. So I am conflicted. Philosophy vs. reality. I gues sboth answers are right at different times.
I want our lives to be happy and safe and financially secure, but I also want to take a risk, jump out of the "right thing to do" and start this business. I believe in it, totally. I want it to succeed and I want to keep moving toward opening day. In time, the gifts of my perserverence will blossom. In a year or two I will look back on this time and think, that was totally the right decision, totally. I know in my heart that this moment is the right moment for this. I believe it will happen. There are a lot of reasons people can come up with the to try to derail me and my desire for this business to open. To them, I just say, well I have been waiting for the "right time" for 20 years, when will it be the right time? When I am ready to make the commitment, that's when the time is right and that time is now.

total quiet....

2008-05-27T13:51:00.003-04:00

This sunday, We shipped little one off to gammy and gampy's for a few hours, so we could sleep.
My wife and I were both very sick this weekend and needed some down time desperately. So I drove him up to Great Lakes Crossing, made the drop, drove back home and went to bed. the first hours was great. I closed my eyes, and immediately feel asleep, the next thing I knew an hour had passed. I was totally awake, I was supposed to be using these 5 hours to sleep,but coudn't so I got up. Went downstairs, made something to eat and sat on the couch. Quiet.........
It was very strange, so quiet with nothing to do. Well, not nothing to do, but nothing in particular that was jumping at me. The first ten minutes were nice, after that I started to think about my little boy, being out there in the world without me. What was he doing, what was he eating, who was he meeting? Just curiosity. Then I began to worry, what would I do if he were kidnapped, if he died, fell from a playscape or was hit by a car, what would I do if I never saw him again, what would I do? I would lose my mind! Why did I let him leave! Then I realized I was being irrational and began to giggle to myself. I realized at that moment that I really never want "my old life" back. My life was now THIS life. The life I have that includes him in every aspect of existence. It seems strange to have a moment when he was not in it. It feels uneasy and disjointed and overall just lonely. I love my time with my wife, when he is asleep or playing with one of the many people who love him in the next room. it is entirely different for him to be gone, out of touch and out of view for a half day. Just totally different.

Sleep

2008-05-16T09:11:00.004-04:00

Most nights days after I get home from work, little boy is running around the house, performing his newest tricks/skills for me to cheer and celebrate. We eat dinner, well some of us do, while others fling most of the contents of his high chair tray on the floor. We play a few games, chase, cars, or stack blocks, and watch one of his favorite shows. He begins to pull at my shirt, meaning he wants to nurse, which I immediately use as an opportunity to take him upstairs so he can go nigh nigh. When he begins to nurse, he is very serious aboutit, focused, intensely engaged. Well, about 3 minutes into it, which is when I think the milk runs out, he begins to fidget. Pulling at my other breast, scratching my, smacking my belly, kicking me, shoving his toes into my thigh, etc. I usually tell him 3 or 4 times, no, go nigh nigh, to which he replies.... hahahahhaha, he gets the sweetest smirk on his face, like this is the funniest thing I have ever heard! and then goes back to nursing. We wrestle for awhile longer and eventually he begins to relax. This is one of the most presious things he does, he surrenders, his breathing changes, he begins to inhale deeply and exhale deeply, his arms gently melts to the bed, his eyelids relax and he switches to intermitent nursing. Suck suck suck, pause.......suck suck suck, pause...... for awhile, maybe 5-8 minutes. Then I am able to sloooowly pull away from him and he adjusts his body ina large gross movement to the right or left. This is about the time I usually say to myself, I have to get up, the kitchen is still a mess, the toys are all over and I really need to do some things. But, unfortunately, because I spend most nights waking every 2-3 hours, by the end of the week, there is no chance of me getting out of that bed. Like last night, I have every intention of getting up, awashing the pots and pans I left in the sink from dinner, and putting the toys away, but I fell asleep. This morning, little boy woke up at 7am, after several night waking, which he never remembers and was soooo happy! He gave a big yawn, and smiled at me, rubbed his bleary eyes, pointed to the radio, to ask me to turn off that music, and raised his arms with an anticipatory look, I picked him up and gave him a big hug. Another night of sleep over, a new day begins...

Doggy

2008-05-15T10:18:00.004-04:00

Little Boy is getting to be a big boy. When I came home from work yesterday, he said Doggy and pointed to Jupiter. Then I said, yes that's right, to which he replied, doggy, with a smile beaming from ear to ear. Then I said, you are so smart, how are you sugar? He looked at me with this very serious face and said, GRRRRRR so i said, are you growling like a lion? He smiles and said, GRRRRRR, then pointed to Luna and said Doggy. I giggled. We went into the living room, where he immdiately climbed up on the chair and hoisted himself on top of the dining room table. I said, uh-oh thats not for babies, we are not climbing on the table, then picked him uip and set him back on the floor. The quickly repeated the last several steps to climb on top of the table again. To which I replied, Uh-oh tahts not for babies, we are not climbing on the table. Put him back on the floor. Then he got really angry, starting screaming and cried. I todl him I was sorry, but he cannot climb on the table. Let's do something else, where is your Elmo? WAHHHH! Ok, where is your book, the one with the mouse on it, WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! ok, let's see.... Do you want some water? some juice? are you hungry? WAAAHHHH!!!!! hmmm, I don't know what the trouble is babe, what??? he points to the table. I say, oh well we can't climb on the table. You can climb onthe chair, but not on the table. This I think is actually kind of silly, because the table is much bigger and safer to climb on than the chair! But, he doesn't know that. So,I let him get on the chair, I hold him around his belly and he tries to push my hands away. so I let go, he climbs on the table. I say, Little boy, I really don't think you should be on the table. He smiles at me, I say, little boy, I have an idea. Let's go in the kitchen and make something to eat. He seems interested and excited, I pick him up, carry him in the kitchen and begin to look in the cupboards for something to make for dinner. I put him down, he points at Jupiter and says doggy....

Mothers Day 1870

2008-05-13T08:47:00.001-04:00

Julia Ward Howe's Proclaimation of 1870
Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearnAll that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,Will be too tender of those of another countryTo allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.
"From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up withOur own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.
"Blood does not wipe out dishonor,Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,But of God
-In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly askThat a general congress of women without limit of nationality,May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Mothers Day

2008-05-13T08:31:00.002-04:00

I have decided that Mothers Day is not really for Mothers. I mean, it is because it is called mothers day and all of the restaurants/flower shops/card shops call it a special day, but in reality, it is just another day. We started out our mother's day making brunch for our mothers and the mothers in our lives. We had my mom, Stephs mom and dad and Micki and Annie(new mothers) over this year. We spent 2 days cleaning the house, getting things in order and buying food to cook. We made waffles, scrambled eggs with cheese and sundried tomotaoes and fresh chives from the garden. We had fruit and juice and brownies for dessert. We all had a nice time and it was lovely to have everyone over.
In reality, I would have also loved to just sit in my dirty house with my wife and child and a few friends and just hang out with no pressure to clean or cook. But we wanted to do it, we love entertaining, especially now that we have a functional kitchen. In my lifetime I have been consistently programmed to believe that Mother's Day is a very important day. If you love your mother, you celebrate this day with her for all of the things she does for you throughout the year. It is very hard to balance all of that when we each have a mother to honor and we are both mothers. Maybe thats why fathers day was invented so that fathers take care of the house and kids on mothers day and mothers take care of the kids on fathers day. That way each of the parents in a traditional heterosexual relationship gets a day off. But what happens when both parents are the same gender? I think there should be a way for each of us to be honored and celebrated on mothers day, each of us get a day to ourselves. Maybe we will start having mothers day weekend, so we can each get a day to ourselves and on Sunday we have the grand finale where we get all the mothers in our lives together and celebrate. That might work. Then I think of the single mothers out there, who gives them a break? How do they do it? Never having anytime to regroup or recharge. I think there should be a special holiday for single mothers, maybe it would be a requirement that all single mothers sleep for 6-8 hours by themselves- no kids in the bed- on single mothers day and someone in the family takes care of the baby/toddler for that time. This would be great, wouldn't it? Well, the main issue with mothers day is that it started during war time, at least that is what my friend Diggs told me, she sent me this speech from a very determined chick who wanted the war to end, I will post it here as another post on my blog.
I think it is a nice gesture to have mothers day, but I really dont think it changes anything. I makes those of us with moms who are great, feel great, that we had such a great mom. It makes those of us with moms who are jerks feel crappy because our moms are jerks. It makes those of us whose moms are gone, sad that they are gone, and it makes those of us who are moms of toddlers realize that its just another day, he still wants grapes and orange juice, he still wants to chase the dogs and at night, he still won't sleep.
Happy mothers day.

Saturdays

2008-05-10T12:46:00.002-04:00

Saturday, the day of errands, and being too busy to stop and enjoy the sunshine.
Today we got up and all 3 went to yoga, it didn't last though , Little boy was not into it at all. Momma had to occupy him while Mommy taught. This was ok, except during the meditation, I could hear him crying and kept getting distracted. Cam home, had a protein shake while little boy played with his cars and the swiffer. Then went for a walk, checked out some garage sales, not that we need anything, just always looking for a bargain! Then little boy fell quickly to sleep upon our return. Momma came home from the gym. I leave for a dental apt, then, go to a graduation party then shop for mothers day brunch at our house. Saturday is over!
Life is...

Yoga and the art of staying inside your own body

2008-05-08T13:46:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I have been really trying to get back to yoga, for me. I already teach on Saturdays for other people and well, I do get something out of it. But,I wanted to get back into my personal practice, the practice that led me to become a yoga teacher in the first place, 4 1/2 years ago. Well I joined Yoga Shelter, and was cautiously optimistic, I had a feeling it would be different than what I was used to, and well yoga is all about letting go of the familiar comfort that we become so accustomed to that it actually limits our growth rather than enables it. Soooooo anyways, The first week was free and I went a few times. Every class was intense and I prespired a lot! I mean, like I ran 3 miles, a lot. I was thinking, hmmmm maybe my saturday classes are not intense enough. I kept trying, I went to a Sunday morning class, it was packed 60+ people in a room with the heat on and that's when it happened. The instructor said "I'm having a retreat, it's a yoga retreat but it's not a freaky yoga retreat, you won't have to roll around in the grass and eat bark! it's gonna be a "cool" retreat, and I don't want to give away the whole movie, so just sign up and see what it's about. Well, for the rest of the class as I moved in and out of postures with little or not direction from the teacher I realized, I am one of those freaky yoga practitioners. That is where yoga originated! that is where the best work happens! in the grass, in silence. Well, I kept going, last week I could not get there at all, I wanted to go to the Sunday class again, but it did not work out. I finally got there yesterday after work. It was a class called Xflowsion. Ok- I don't remember anything called Xflowsion in the yamas or niyamams of yoga? So, the class starts and it is a series of gyrations that are really more like sexually explicit bodily movements to get us "warmed up". Then as we move through the hour, thank God it was only an hour, its gets more like Tae-Bo and kickboxing. About halfway through the class, I realize that I am spending more time focusing on the other students in the class to see if I am doing it "right" than I am on me. This is supposed to be my hour, and I am giving it away to a bunch of strangers. Soooo as everyone is jumping all around and making the floor bounce, I decided to lay down in svasana and rest. This was very unusual to the teacher and I could tell she was feeling a little uncomfortable because she kept saying, it's ok if you want to just rest for a bit, this is your hour, you can do what you need to do for you. The rest of you -Kick it one, two, threee... etc. So, at the end of the class I decided that I would not be going back to Yoga Shelter. It just does not work for me. I prefer a yoga class that is slow and deliberate and respectful to my body as it is today. I wonder how yoga has gotten so off center, how places like this can actually call themselves yoga studios, how people can actually come there and "think" they are doing yoga. I'm not trying to be a purist, but I guess I am a purist when it comes to yoga. I love the yoga experience, the self reflection, the inner work, the body work, the self love, the self forgiveness, the peacefulness, the calm and the rest. The permission we give ourselves to just be in the moment is so infrequent. Life is simply too valuable to me, to let somebody else place their expectations on me. I wonder what the gurus in India would think of Yoga shelter, and I wonder what they would think of me and my yoga experience. Maybe they would see me as something other than a yogi. I hope I can uphold the integrity of yoga as it speaks to me and as I share it with everyone I know. Someday my son will be passing on this legacy. Namaste'

We are a family

2008-05-07T10:24:00.002-04:00

How did this happen? In a matter of just under 2 years, our lives have changed completely.
We are a family. We have this little boy, and he is so incredbily magical. We are in a routine, we know what he likes and does not like. We have a frame of reference that we can refer back to when we are reveiwing his facial expressions, his giggles, his cries. We know that he likes to go outside and he will be very content with a mini vanilla cone from DQ. This is the most amazing thing, how we just fold into the groove of this new life, as if it was always there, waiting for us to slip our foot in.

We went for a walk yesterday with Aunt Micki, Aunt Annie, Javier and Misty. We walked to downtown Ferndale, talked about life, about silly stuff and about serious stuff. We saw people who used to be in our friendship circle and we discovered that Just for Us has a lot of sexual content for a 2 year old! Watching Micki and Annie taking Javier on his first walk reminded me how far Steph and I have come. How many firsts we have already passed and how we have already established a rhythm with our son. Watching Steph hold him and comfort him from a distance is just about the most beautiful vision I have ever seen. It is breathtaking to realize how much she loves him. She puts so much time and effort into loving him and still has a heart that overflows with love for me. How does that happen? Is the love we have in our hearts infinite? Are we capable of loving fully, as many as we choose?

The walk was fun, and I missed our friend Janice, she would have totally got the peanut buster parfait which would have encouraged me to get something bigger than, a plain old vanilla cone with sprinkles. I really wanted the hot fudge sundae with nuts and a cherry but nobody else was getting anything...... SO... What could I do?

For today, I am delighted that I have this family, this rhythm and the opportunity to get a peanut buster parfait, even if I choose the vanilla cone.

So much love...

Time time time

2008-05-06T09:12:00.002-04:00

Time, the most valuable and evasive commodity. When I was young I always thought time was something that took too much. It took too much time to make the cookies, it took too much time to make the paper mache pinata that I would fill with candy. It took too much time to wait in line at Cedar Point, etc. As I grew, time became something that I was in the middle of. The time is right for me to enroll in this program, it's time to go on vacation, it's time for another job. Now, as I am at the halfway point of my life, time becomes something that is continually slipping from my hands through my fingers like sand. Where has the time gone? How did it pass so quickly? When will I ever have time to clean the house, do the laundry, be with my wife? How wasteful I was with time, laying around for hours on a Sunday, arguing a point for hours, sleeping for hours... Those were the days. As I write this, time is passing, and I am too busy to stop for a moment to soak it in. I think today I will take 10 minutes and go outside and sit in silence.
Not sure when it will be, not sure if it will even happen, but its a good goal.

The time I have with Lux, is very much like when I was a child. I find that time stops or stands still when I am with him. We can examine a worm for 30 minutes and it feels like just a moment.
I love to see the world through his eyes. As I realize that my time is rushing by, I also realize that he has an abundance of it, and somehow I feel like the recipient of his time.
What a beautiful gift he has given me.

Time to go...

baby it was a rough one

2008-05-03T20:19:00.001-04:00

Today was a difficult day, little boy was very unhappy. Woke up with a somewhat frustrated perspective. He was very warm, feverish actually, and also fighting a runny nose. I was also fighting a runny/stuffy nose and was feeling really crappy. Steph was generous and watched him all morning so i could sleep. When I stumbled from bed at 11:30am, the living room looked like a toy store threw up. I came to discover that the entire time I was sleeping, little boy was flinging new and old toys about the room, trying very diligently to make Steph insane. The ending was when he pulled a container of crackers out of the pantry, and flipped the lid and flung them all over the kitchen. Then he fought with the dogs over the crackers. The dogs won.

After he woke from his nap, I took him on a walk, we looked a the lilacs, crab apple blossoms and tulips all in full bloom. We walked through the neighborhood, singing and talking about the trees. Well, I was talking, he was listening. Then we went to the grocery store, I brought my reusable bag with me and had it hanging on the back of the stroller, I put everything in it as I was shopping and was wondering if anyone was watching me from a secret grocery cam.
When I got to the checkout, the cashier asks, "paper or plastic" to which I reply, I have my own bag . As I am unloading my bag, I realize that the cashier did not even know I had the bag and I could have left with the $15 worth of groceries and nobody would have been the wiser. Unless they did have a secret grocery cam. But I paid, rebagged my unbagged groceries and we went back home.

I thoroughly enjoy the moments I have with little boy. He is always teaching me things, like even if you think he won't notice, he will notice the cluster of mushrooms growing in the backyard from all the rain and try to eat them. If you are not quick, he'll get one in his mouth and then dry heave from the texture.

He went on his way through the yard, running in his crocs and enjoying the moments that were unfolding in front of him, as he always does. I wonder what day it will be when he doesn't anticipate the moments unfolding in front of him anymore?